More than words

Drafted post, never published. 11/24/14

This is a really good song. It popped into my head after a conversation my husband and I had about porn addiction. Actually, the very first conversation. I was so amped up, because there was so much I felt I needed to say, but it was late and he was tired and on travel. So I talked to myself and recorded it.

Basically though, the reason this popped into my head was because it takes more than words to say I love you. My husband would always try to explain that he showed he loved me by working his ass off and being able to provide. I always felt that this was caused more by his own needs (workaholic) than his desire to show he loved me. I do agree that it takes more than words to show someone you love them, though, and what I need from him is... at it's core: intimacy. Touches, kisses, smiles.

I used to be able to communicate to him that I wanted him to kiss me passionately just by looking at him a certain way. I had noticed a long time ago that he was no longer able to recognize that look in my eyes. Recently though, he was and it almost made me cry. When I mentioned it to him, he said he always could, just never responded.

And that did make me cry. Inside.

I would have been happier thinking that he was gaining something back through the quitting process than to learn that it was never something he lost. Rather, simply choose to ignore it.

Four months in and still feeling....

It's been four months since my husband's reboot on November 20th.

Life as we know it has changed in so many ways. I've changed in so many ways. And yet... Things still feel the same in so many ways.

Some of the life changes:

• Full time school - I will be going to school Monday through Friday and can expect a full days load of class. I will be having to wake up at the same time as my husband and I will be having to wake up my daughter just before we leave as well. I will have school to devote so much of my time and attention to, and will have little left for home and family life.
• A daughter - We have had our daughter for almost two months now, and though it already feels like she's always been here, she's also something to consume my time with. This means very little time for my husband and I-alone. It also means putting another person's needs before my own or even his.
• Active in our lodge - I've been very active in our lodge's activities lately, and that is yet another thing to act as a time taker/distraction. This isn't going to last once school starts. By this time in two weeks I will be so inundated with other things (*cough cough* school *cough*) that this will really have to be put on the back burner. 

Changes in myself:

• I'm not depressed. There are moments that I get really sad, and once or twice where I've felt overwhelmingly depressed, but the feelings didn't last long. As a whole, I've felt better than I have in years. Yes, I'm anxious about school and stressed over bills, and those aren't very happy feelings to be having, but over all I'm happy. I'm achieving some very important goals, I'm learning to not take on things that I don't want to take on, and-most importantly-I'm finding fulfillment in myself.
• Finding happiness/fulfillment in myself. This is a really big one. For so long I've been looking to my husband to "make me whole" and fill in all of the empty spaces in my heart. I've learned that I can't do that, because it will never work. I've learned that I need only me and my actions to make me happy, and that everything else is just icing on the cake. 
• Meds... oh the meds. I've upped the dose for both metformin and levothyroxine. Now I'm having (more) regular cycles and it's giving me a better hope of having a child of my own. I also feel less tired and lethargic thanks to the upped dose of levo. As for adderall... I'm thinking I might need to ask for the dose to be upped. I'm not sure. For a long while I was feeling like the meds weren't being as effective as they were at first, but now that I'm on more levo, I think things are getting better again. I think the low thyroid hormones was just really dragging me down. 

What all of these changes mean?

Well, they mostly mean that I've been too busy to really focus on the porn addiction problem and the progress my husband has made so far. This kind of bothers me because I don't really know where he's at in the quitting process. I don't know how he's feeling or if he's been struggling. This bothers me mostly because sometimes I feel like he's not making any strides at all or is even slipping back sometimes and I want to know what's going on with him-to know if the ways I'm feeling have any real credence. 

These changes also mean that I haven't really been that concerned about his progress. Yes, I do want to know because I feel certain ways, but at the same time those feelings are fleeting. I don't ruminate about them, and therefore they don't really bother me that much. It's most likely an out of sight out of mind kind of thing, and I am concerned that at the end of these two years, or even when I get the summers off, I'm going to walk into a shit storm I didn't see coming because I've been too distracted to look. But right now... I'm OK with it. I'm OK with being content with going through the motions, and just asking every once in a while for an update. 

So to sum it all up: I'm happy. I have concerns in the back of my mind that pop up from time to time, but they don't linger. I don't know what that will mean for me in the future, but right now I'm good just worrying about me.