The first day, we talking about why I was there and what I could expect out of the client-therapist relationship. After mentioning a little about why I was there (marital issues and subsequent depression, cutting, excessive drinking and harmful acts to myself) he said something along the lines of what equated in my brain as that quote.
I decided to make this post because I have been posting in response to a person in the RebootNation forums (click here to see) and I reflected on the very last line I wrote.
In the end, it all comes down to "what do I need to do for myself, so that I can be whole?".That line made me thing of a song that I really love. I love it so much in fact that it is my wedding song. Amel Larrieux - "Make Me Whole"
I'm not really sure exactly what thoughts are going through my head right now, but I'm sure that as I type out this blog post things will become at least a little more clear. One thing is certain though. I know now that I am the only person who can make myself whole. If I rely on anyone else, then I am doing myself an injustice, and just asking for pain and hardship later on. I can not rely on another person to "make me whole" because I have no control over any other person's actions. If I want to be whole, I have to do it for myself. I can only hope that I find another person who can enhance the wholeness that I've made for myself, and therefore enhance my life.
I guess this song and how enamored I've been with it since first hearing it almost 10 years ago and the strong emotions it's made me feel about my now husband... really are bullshit though. As I type this out, I recall a little more clearly my therapist actually words: "love songs set up false expectations... and make a huge mess out of what people expect to get out of relationships." Again, this is an indirect quote, but I think it really covers the essence of what he said that day and why it stuck out to me.
This song... I felt describe my husband perfectly. He made me whole. He was perfect for me. He provided me with everything I couldn't provide for myself. I should be thankful.... But it's not true.
- No one's perfect, and I knew I was lying to myself about him being perfect for me every time I quoted myself in saying, "any relationship can work, so long as the two people involved both want it to, are able to identify the issues, and work to correct them". This is to say, there's no such thing as soul mates, or matches made in heaven. There's only relationships that seem that way because the people in it are willing to work toward it.
- He didn't make me whole... in fact, in trying to have him fill gaps in myself it actually created bigger holes. Blows to my self esteem, self confidence, and self worth all made me feel like less of a person. It wasn't until I finally stopped believing the things he told me, or letting them bother me in the same self diminishing ways that I was able to feel like a real person again.
- I should have been thankful for so many things... but that didn't mean I should have been so thankful that it meant pushing aside all of the problems, looking past them, or letting them slide. I'm still working to identify which attributes belong to what problems, and figuring out if they are worth the battle, but I'm getting there. *
*Example: My husband is a workaholic. He always remarks that he works so hard to provide for us, and our family, and to him that gives him credence and permission to continue down this path. To me, I feel like saying he works hard to provide for our family is great-indeed something to be thankful about-but working so hard that he neglects his family is going too far. It moves from the realm of wanting to fulfill a goal to needing to fulfill an addiction.
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