I'm going to preface this post by saying that the only reason I'm recording these thoughts here in this blog is simply because I don't want to forget them. I don't really think these events have anything to do with my husband's porn addiction, but rather his over all mental and emotional health.
A little background:
A couple of weeks ago, my husband told me that because of the changes taking place at work, he would very likely be traveling again. He mentioned a few potential weeks that he would likely be going and I kind of freaked a little. I've been super anxious about school starting at the end of the month, and was because of that anxiety I wasn't really prepared for him to be leaving for days at a time. Especially since we now have another person at home who relies on us.
So, when he said that I freaked, and I asked him if he could request off for yesterday. He procrastinated, and then messaged me about it later. I didn't know what he was talking about or why I would have asked him to request off so I told him not to worry about it. Later, when I remembered that I had an intake test I needed to go to yesterday, I called him up while he was at worked and told me I remembered. He took off. He told me that he didn't think it was necessary, and I agreed but I told him I wanted him to anyways because I might need him for support, or in case I didn't get home at a reasonable time.
I suppose the thing that must have stuck out to him the most was that I needed him to be off so that he could be there for me. It turns out that this was sort of true as I was having the worse anxiety attack I've had since planning the wedding. I say sort of though, because I really wasn't prepared to come home. I walked around the campus after the test was all over with for a while. I went to an informational meeting provided by some of the nursing students who are further along in the program as well as took a tour as guided by those students. It helped calm my nerves while I was distracted, but the distractions were only intermittent. My anxiety was so bad that I could feel my heart rate shooting through the roof, and my vision kept getting blurry. I guess with my history of hypo-tension... I don't know. Anyways, I checked my pulse a few times and each time it was well over 95.
After I dropped off the girl I carpooled with, I went back to the school because I saw the traffic was pretty backed up going home. Luckily she told me how to get to and from her place while avoiding the highway. I went back to the school to see if there was anything else I could take care of since I was already there. There was, and I did. I still wasn't ready to go home. This was in part because of the anxiety but most because of the traffic. I decided to go to the uniform store that the school chose to switch to just to waste a little time and see what my future options would be. While I was there I saw a few other stores I felt like stopping in and so did. I also let my husband know that I was "going to wait it out". This is where the problem started...
I left it at that, since when he tried to call me we got disconnected and he never tried to call me back. I went to Marshall's and was able to pick up a few things for a few people who I knew were looking, this included my daughter. When I was all done there, I realized I was just up the road from the better mall, so I decided I would go there and get a few things done that I wouldn't have the opportunity to do anywhere else. I ended up staying there until almost 9 at night. It wasn't because I was taking my time or anything... in fact I only wasted about 2 hours at the mall, and about 45 minutes of it wasn't a waste at all because I was able to take care of something really important.
Anyways, and this is the important stuff, as I was preparing to leave, I decided to call my husband to let him know I would finally be heading home-an hour and a half drive. He was obviously annoyed and upset with me, and it really made me mad.
At first he was just being bitchy about dinner. He wanted to make something, but things were taking forever because of circumstances. He couldn't cook because the dishes were dirty, he had to wait because the meat was frozen... blah blah blah. Even as he was complaining about these things but not saying that any of them were out right my fault, it was still very clear he blamed me for his bad day.
Side note: I have played the game long enough and I'm tired of it. I'm not doing this thing any more... this thing where he shows signs up being upset about something and I try to sooth him and take on the blame for his feelings just to try to make things better. It does me no good to feel like I'm constantly to blame for his issues, and it certainly does him no good to continually misplace his frustrations on me. He's the one in control of his actions, not me.
I stopped and included that side note because it explains pretty well the reasoning behind my actions during the conversation as follows. While we were talking, because it was so clear he was upset and frustrated with me, I told him is good communication style, "Because of the tone in your voice, I feel like you are frustrated with me." I don't recall him having a direct response to that, instead he went on to tell me about how he didn't do the things he planned to do today because he was waiting for me to get home. He also told me that he didn't even realize I was out wondering the streets, but that he thought I had just pulled over and was waiting. I'm not really sure why he made this assumption. I told him I would wait out the traffic, but I never said I had simply pulled over. Then he started talking about how he didn't even know I was in a town that was south of the school, and pointing out that it was the opposite direction from our home.
Here's one thing: he was obviously frustrated because he didn't know what my actions were in more detail. He made assumptions and drew conclusions, which don't even seem reasonable to me. Either way, he was frustrated because my actions did not line up with what he assumed. This goes to that side note. He did not take responsibility for the fact that his emotions we brought on by his own doing. I did nothing that caused the frustration. I did not tell him I was pulling over on the side of the road and parking until traffic began moving, but was actually out shopping. I simply didn't give him more detail.
We covered that, and got on the second thing: he wasn't able to go to a lodge meeting that he wanted to make it to because he was at home trying to make dinner. I guess this is the second and third thing really. He was also frustrated that it took so long for him to make dinner in the first place. He walked to me about 5pm, and said that he was going to cook something. He didn't get dinner done until after 9pm. I was never asked nor was it expected of me to have dinner plans made or ready for him. Dinner has always just been what ever we figure out each day. So, he didn't get dinner done because dished had to be cleaned before he could start. Then the meat was frozen and it had to thaw, and he also waited until it was closer to the time he assumed I would be getting home. You tracking so far? So he was frustrated with me for several reasons that, again, had nothing to do with any actions that I took.
Once I realized this I was trying to talk to him with good communication. I told him I understand that he's feeling frustrated, and these were the reasons he was feeling frustrated. I told him that his frustrations were founded by things that I had no control over, but I would still like to avoid this sort of thing from happening again. I told him some of the things I could do in order to avoid them which included being more clear about what I'm planning to do and the time frames I plan for those things take place during. I also told him I could be more diligent about updating him with changes as they occur. From that point, I asked him what some of the things were that he could do to avoid the frustrations in the future.
Rather than actually telling me his actions, he started explaining why he was frustrated and what he felt caused it, and... aaah! That did not answer the question presented to him. So... I stopped him, and told him he was going off on a tangent and not answering me. I restated the question, and gave an example. The example I gave was, "perhaps in the future when a situation like this occurs you could not make assumptions, but rather verify information and get facts." He wasn't hearing that though and started telling me what caused his frustration again. Then he said, "I'll just get over it".
Honestly, that really made me cry. I was trying so hard to get through this problem, and make sure we both understood the actual cause, and both made strides to improve in order to prevent it from happening again.
There are many points along the way with this story where I would have normally/ historically acted differently had it happened in the past. But, I've been making great strides, and was staying on that path. At this point in the story, it was beginning to be too difficult. I was crying, it was hard to speak, and I was feeling so many different ways that I couldn't even begin to form an "I feel" statement. Not only did I feel way too many different ways, but I also wasn't really able to even put some of those feelings into words. I simply didn't have words for them. Normally I would have broken down crying and just stopped there. But I didn't, and I pushed on. And he was uncomfortable and just wanted the conversation to end.
He tried to end the conversation there, and I don't really recall what words lead to what words, but I told him not to expect to see me home, because I didn't want to be there and I didn't intend to. I suppose that must have gotten his attention because all of a sudden he wanted to talk again.
Eventually we talked things out, but I still didn't feel very good about the conversation. I feel like we came to a conclusion but it was a reluctant one. One in which he only wanted to appease me in order to insure I would come home. When we ended the conversation, he asked if I was going to come home now, and I told him that I really wasn't sure. I told him I was feeling some very confusing emotions and that I still didn't really want to. I told him that I likely would come home, but not to wait up for me. But I also assured him that if I wasn't to come home, I would at least promise to be safe.
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