I decided to make a notebook for my husband full of writing prompts for him to go to from time to time. I decided to make writing prompts because I was getting frustrated with the general lack of communication where the subject of porn addiction and quitting were concerned. I didn't want to push him to talk about things he didn't feel ready to talk about, but I also didn't want him to just be going through the motions without putting some real thought behind his experiences. I figured that through him writing things down, it may help him to better be able to talk about those things. I also knew that if left entirely up to himself nothing would get done: he wouldn't even begin a journal and if he did the subject matter would be in no way shape or form conducive to my needs.
The "being conducive to my needs" part feels a little selfish to say, but I have to keep reminding myself that even though he's going through a hard time in trying to quit an addiction, I've already gone through years of pain caused by this addiction. Not only do I need to begin to heal, but I also need to begin to trust him again. Part of the hardest thing to trust right now is that he's taking this whole matter seriously. I want to trust that he is, but I just can't.
I figured a note book as a good idea for a few reasons.
- First, was that he could have a place to store all of the things he wrote down that didn't have to be out there on the web for all the world to potentially see.
- Second was that I figured a folder would be better than a journal because he could easily add to it places he may have left off without having the foresight to leave extra blank pages.
- I also thought the ability to add to it would be helpful if ever he decided to type something up. He could just print it out and put it where ever he felt it best fit.
- Also, by using a folder it would allow us to categorize things together. This would be a benefit whenever one of us wanted to look back and contrast two different points in time in relation to the same subject.
- General (not a s/s)
- PIED
- Anxiety
- Try to think back to the time before you decided to quit porn as prompted by me asking for a divorce. I remember it was pretty regular for you to complain about anxiety many years ago, but can't be sure if it was a problem this recently. As you think back to this period before this all started, describe on a scale of 1-10 how bad you feel your anxiety was at it's worse and how bad you think it was on average. How often do you recall your anxiety coming on: every day, several times a week, maybe once or twice a week, less than once a week. Where do you think your anxiety stemmed from: mostly work, marital relations, social interactions, everyday life, self expectation, other?
- Sources of anxiety. Each of the things listed below are individual prompts. Each will include the following snippet: If this was source a of anxiety, tell a little about why. For example: (each thing listed below has it's own examples)
- work. Example: Do you worry about the work load you have? Job security? Being stuck at a job you hate?
- marital relations: Example: there were times in which you experienced erectile dysfunction, or numbing. This could have easily been something that didn't concern you much or it could have caused anxiety. If it did, what thoughts passed through your mind about it? Other examples of anxiety from marital relations could be wondering whether or not I would leave perhaps or if I was happy.
- social interactions: examples of anxiety from social interactions could be not feeling comfortable when faced with interacting with people you had no reason to interact with without having a person there to ease you into the situation. Did you ever have a desire to spark up a conversation with someone, but not know how that may have caused a feeling of anxiety? Or perhaps anxiety over bringing up a subject with someone you did know, but not knowing how to.
- everyday life: I can't really give you examples of anxiety during everyday life, but I know you know what this feels like. Have you experienced this lately? Regularly? What are some of the causes/triggers?
- self expectation: I know that you often reflect on where you saw yourself being at this point in life, or goals you wanted to meet but don't seem anywhere near. Does this induce in you a sense of anxiety? Anything else having to do with expectations of yourself-perhaps pertaining to a perceived ability that you should have but don't.
- other: Anxiety from work, marital relations, social interactions, everyday life, and self expectation all have their own prompt. Right now I want you to think about other factors that may make you feel a sense of anxiety. Can you think of any?
- CHECK INS: There are going to be several points in which I will prompt him to check in with himself as far as anxiety are concerned. The goal here would be to evaluate the levels of anxiety he's felt over the last week and discuss the sources. It's not going to be as detailed as any of the above since it's merely a means to compare and contrast two points in time.
- Today I felt anxiety: I'm going to include a couple of pages already in the folder that say, "Today I felt anxiety" and is going to be a place for him to make note of those days where something stands out to him.
- Depression
- (This is going to be very similar to the anxiety one) Try to think back to the time before you decided to quit porn as prompted by me asking for a divorce. I remember it was pretty regular for you to complain about depression many years ago, and even relatively recently. As you think back to the period of time before this all started, describe on a scale of 1-10 how bad you feel your level of depression was at it's worse; how bad you think it was on average. How often do you recall feeling depressed: every day, several times a week, maybe once or twice a week, less than once a week? Where do you think your depression may have stemmed from?
- Sources of depression: (I will eventually go through and see what he wrote for sources and ask him about each in it's own writing prompt) Thinking about *this source* of depression, do you think it has more to do with having a feeling of non-control? Disappointment? Something else
- Overall: Not thinking about personal experiences, where do you think most depression comes from? Try to think about people you know who have experienced depression and what you know about the situation. If you want to ask me about the times I've felt depressed it's OK with me.
- CHECK IN: This is going to be the same as with anxiety. I'm going to ask him to think back from time to time on just the most recent week. I want him to tell me about his overall feelings of depression if they've occurred, the frequency, and the possibly causes.
- Today I felt depressed: (Again, this is going to be just like the anxiety one. I'm going to include some blank pages for him to use if ever there is an overwhelming feeling of depression he wants to write about. )
- Sleep
- Think back to before. How would you rate your quality of sleep? How many hours a night would you say you got? How many times a night would you say you woke up. Do you recall waking up and feeling rested ever? How often? Since then have you been taking your medicine regularly? Do you think it's helped? How has your sleep been recently (all of the same questions as above)?
- Track it (a recurring prompt): If you've picked this one out within the last week or so, just put it back. I want you to think about the last two or three days (if you can't recall this information start tracking it for the next couple of days): What time did you lay down? About how long did it take you to fall asleep? Did you listen to anything? What time did you wake up for good? How rested did you feel? How many times do you remember waking up throughout the night? What are some of the things that woke you up. At any point did you lay in bed awake for more than 15 minutes? Did you think about getting up to do anything? What?
- CHECK IN (recurring prompt): How do you feel your overall quality of sleep has been lately? When was the last time you felt like getting up and wasting time on the computer since you couldn't sleep?
- Productivity
- Intimacy
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