Too good to be true.

Right now things are going so smoothly. I secretly have a fear that things are going so well and that it's too good to be true. Meaning, I fear that if it keeps going this well for months to come, it could mean that either he never really had a porn addiction, or that he's still watching porn behind my back.

I know that finding out he never really had a porn addiction sounds like a really good thing, and people would probably think I'm crazy for thinking of it otherwise. But I can't help for feel like if that is the case, there would be some other, unknown, root cause for our sexual and intimacy problems. It would also mean that all of the excuses I've just recently been able to attribute to porn addiction, could no longer be explained away as easily.

Like for example, his lack of wanting intimate, non-sex related contact isn't just because it's another sign and symptom of porn addiction. Or that when he doesn't feel like having sex with me all that often because he's no longer physically attracted to me isn't just because he was trying to explain away his PIED.

Then, I also fear the possibility that things are/will be seeming to go so well because instead of kicking the addiction and going through the shitty withdrawal stages, he's simply just getting better at hiding it and keeping it under wraps.

I honestly don't know which of these two fears are the worst. With the first, we face either having to explore a whole new world of unknowns or accepting that our marriage just isn't going to work. The latter would suck the most out of these two possibilities because it would mean that there is no possibility for change or improvement. It would mean simply having to accept that... those things were really true all along and I've just wasted eight years of my life denying them.

For the second, I really don't know how I would react to finding out he wasn't even trying anymore and just gave in. Or worse, never even really tried to begin with but rather simply became determined to be better at hiding it. I know that I was so firm on saying that this was it and that I wasn't going to do it any more, but... I don't know. The old fears as to why I never left in the past are starting to come up again I think. I think I am more worried about how I would sustain myself and be on my own while going to school than anything else. I also think that that fear is blinding me, or skewing my thoughts about making a firm act. I want to be confident that I will stand my ground and leave him if he's still "using", so I'm ashamed of the fact that the fear of "how/where will I live" might be making me biased or blind.

Also... we have commitments to hosting foreign exchange students and having my nephews come to visit in the summer. So it's very hard to see me leaving because of those commitments.

Then... there's also, "if it was never porn" or "if it doesn't get better even with porn out of the picture". In either of these situations I don't want to find myself living a half life in a loveless marriage.