A couple of weeks ago I officially worked my first day as a CNA. I know that it's really nothing special to a lot of people, but to me it was very exciting. Not only was it the first time I really worked in a long time (aside from random tutoring), but it was also using something that I worked very hard to earn and not just some job that any ol' person could just up and apply to and do.
Not only was it my first day, but I also happened to get paid as well. I was stoked and decided that I wanted to do something to celebrate and use my first check to do so. I decided to drive to my husband's work which is about 45 minutes away, and pick him up and take him with me to go to the big uniform outlet that has a huge selection of scrubs. When I started driving I called him. He didn't pick up and I tried a few more times. Eventually I decided to just call his work and ask them to send me to his desk. Turns out he left his phone in his car.
Anyways, I told him I was on my way and would be there shortly and to be ready to leave because I wanted to celebrate my first day/first check. I got the just after he should have been done for the day. He told me that there was a few things left for him to have to do at work and that I would either have to wait or that he would have to do it when we got home and what ever I wanted to do couldn't take long. I was in a good mood, and had been trying hard lately to be more understanding, so I told him not to worry, just get it done and I would walk around while I waited to get some steps in.
When he finally called me to let me know he was ready to go, I met him and told him to hop in. Instead we decided to leave his car at the half way point so we wouldn't have to go out of our way on the return. During the drive the first thing he did was start to bitch about his bad day and all of the reasons why it was a bad day. At first it didn't bother me because it was a norm. He would get off work, I would ask how his day went, he would bitch for a while and then that would be that. I used to get all flustered and want to do something to make his day better, but after a long hard while, I eventually figured out there was nothing I could do. Even now though, I still listen and sometimes try to give him advice. This went from saying, "you need too..." to "if I were in the position..." or "have you considered...". Huge improvements, but that's besides the point. When he first started in complaining I just sort of went with it. I knew he was having a bad day and wanted to be there to lend an ear. After a while though it really started to kill the mood.
When he finally got done complaining, he whipped out his laptop and work phone (to tether internet) and began doing more work. I want to say in hindsight that maybe he said something about still having stuff to do, but not wanting to be there to do it any more. This really annoyed me because I hadn't yet had the chance to tell him about my day. When we finally got to the uniform store I got out and expected him to as well. He didn't though. I went inside and began trying to make my selection. I tried to make the best out of the situation by telling myself I could pick out the ones I really liked and have his opinion of the final decision when he finally wrapped up and came inside. He never came. As I was checking out, I noticed a 2 pack of shiny CNA pins. Again, I tried to make the best of the situation and tell myself at least he could pin me. I made my purchases and walked out only to see he didn't even notice me. I decided to give him some time to wrap up so I walked around the outlet for a while. When I got bored I decided to watch from a ways away and noticed he was all done, but still sitting in the car. He didn't even message me to let me know.
At this point I was so mad that I stuffed my purchase into my left pocket where I knew he wouldn't see as I drove and got in the car. He asked if I got anything and all I could say was maybe. He tried to ask me more, but I didn't want to speak. I told my therapist this tale, and at first he remarked that it was funny that I knew I wasn't going to say anything yet the response I have him was one that begged for more questions. I told him that what actually happened was that I didn't want to give him the pleasure of knowing I did buy something, but I also didn't want to lie.
I didn't say a word the entire drive back to his car. I just cried silently. For some reason I even tried to hide my tears. When I got home I went straight to bed even though it was only 6 because I didn't want to say anything to him. To be truthful, I don't know what I would have said. I had so many emotions, questions, feelings stirring inside of me that I didn't even know where to start yet at the same time I was resolved not to say anything at all. If he didn't know where he fucked up at I didn't want to know. If he knew where he fucked up, I didn't want to hear any excuses. Even thinking about it now makes me tear up.
I laid in bed trying to sleep for about an hour before I noticed he should have been home already. Part of me was irritated and thinking that he went off on a drive to "clear his head" because he somehow felt affronted by my coldness. He does that a lot. I get mad at him about something and instead of feeling bad or repentant he gets mad like he's the one who was somehow wronged. Then I started to worry that he might have gotten into an accident because he was driving while so worked up.
It turned out that neither was right. He went to the grocery store and bought me flowers and a card. When I saw them I still didn't say anything but because I couldn't. He had only ever bought be flowers 3 times before: twice for my birthday and once for Valentine's day, two times when we were hardly a year dating and once because a coworker saw on my facebook page that it was all I really wanted.
It was so strange how quickly I forgave him, but it was also so strange how clearly he understood why I was so upset. I also remember thinking, "oh, this is what it takes to get a nice gesture from him?"
No comments:
Post a Comment