Don Jon - A movie about porn addiction... sort of.

I heard of this movie through the Rebootnation.org forum and decided to watch it. I replied to post with my thoughts, but I wanted to archive it here too.

Reply #1:

I watched it by myself via Netflix. I didn't want to feel like iwas rubbing anything in my husband's face, and I'm glad idid. There was way too much flashes for a reboot er (imo).

I'm glad I watched it because ithink it's interesting the popular media addressed pa, but I think it totally understand played the reality of it all. I would have liked it better if they impressed more pa issues like ed.

Reply #2:

So, when I replied last, I was using my phone, it was late and I just wanted to be sure to put something out there in response. As you can tell, it was pretty brief and poorly written. My opinions still stands in that it's probably not a good idea for early rebooters to watch it as "username" so helpfully advised.

I'm not really sure why I'm replying again. I feel like my last response did not adequately cover my feelings about the movie, yet as I think of what to put, it seems like I'm just trying to repeat the same thing. I suppose this is because I feel a little frustrated.

Because of my own personal experiences, I feel like porn addiction is... Well, I feel like the subject of porn addiction is serious. This movie is meant to be a comedy (romance-comedy-drama). In that, it does a very good job. If I didn't know what porn addiction was a real and serious thing I probably would have liked the movie a lot because of the amazing job the actors did, and the relative smoothness of the plot as it played out. Without a doubt, it was a good movie.

However, because porn addiction and all of the subsequent problems it causes is personal to me, it bothered me that they underplayed the seriousness of the subject. Like I mentioned, I think it would have been better if they included something like Erectile Dysfunction, or showed the long road of lies. I know they touched on the poorer quality of sex, but it was only a little and they made it seemed more like something only an experienced person would notice - and notice right away. They also showed some of the lying that came along, but not the extent to which it would otherwise occur. Yeah Jon lied to his lady friend, but he only had to do it twice. It didn't portray the hurt that a partner feels of being lied to over and over for the years most of us go through.

I know if it had include many of the ways to more accurately depict PA, the movie would have been a different movie all together though, so I'm not ragging on them for what they produced. I still think it was a good movie. I guess I'm just saying I wish there was an equally good movie out there that also included many of the things listed above. Maybe even add in some of the science behind it so that viewers could learn a little about the validity of this addiction by simply watching.

There was also a response from the site owner (I think) that also made a good point. I'll let you read that for yourself here. 

My therapist doesn't seem to think PA is a real thing

I'm pretty sure that a while ago I made a post about my husband coming into one of my therapy appointments with me sometime after he got home from "that fateful trip". It wasn't planned or anything. He just happened to be home so I invited him and he came. We were running late because there was a truck in front of the house so we couldn't leave. (We were having our new bed delivered.)

Anyways, during that appointment we brought up Porn addiction, and the possibility that my husband had it, and that it was the root of so many of our problems. Though he seemed to listen and take it into consideration, it was pretty apparent that during that appointment he wanted to push aside porn addiction as the problem, and talk about this as a whole. Then, in subsequent visits, when ever the subject gets brought up, I can't help but to feel like he doesn't really know anything about it. Not only that, but I feel that it's his lack of knowledge that makes it impossible to talk about the subject with him. Whenever some porn addiction related issue gets brought up, he wants to explore reasons why and shit, and I'm like, "there's nothing to explore here, it's a waste of time. Understand that it's porn addiction so we can move on from the cause to how if affects me."

Instead of being able to talk about my feelings on the subject and how if affects me, I feel like I have to defend my feelings. It's really frustrating and honestly makes me mad. I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that research on the subject is so new, and he's been practicing for so long that he's probably never had cause to encounter it before, but I really don't like being the route of learning for him.

I really just want to say, "Here. Here's a bunch of links to studies and videos, and here are a whole bunch of other people who are suffering too." I want to show him that there is legitimate research, and legitimate psychological affects on people who have this addiction and their partners. I've sent him an email today about something else entirely, but also made a point to include my feelings as an afterword. I also said to expect a 12 page email with more information.

Why am I so mad right now?

Day 67

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 20 days since my last confession"

Oh what a loaded line this is.

This line comes to mind because when I clicked the link to make a new post and the text box popped up, I worked through variations of different words to start this post in my head and they all seemed to want to say they same thing, "Sorry to my readers and to myself. It's been 20 days since I've made a post." Every single way those thoughts formed themselves into words in my mind all seemed to have the same resonance-and it reminded me of how I used to recite the quoted words above in my mind each time I would go to confession back in my Catholic days. This line is also apt because it was a recurring theme in a movie I recently watched called "Don Jon".

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I want to preface the rest of this post by saying that: even though I haven't posted anything in about 3 weeks, and though there was little between the last post and the one before it, it's not for lack of eventfulness. Things have happened, and I will be spending my entire morning writing about it. I'm just not going to make this post a 20 pager. I'm going to try to break down the events of the last few weeks into separate post so that they are more easily digested. I'm also going to schedule the days and times they will be posted to be more spread out in case any of you are subscribed. I don't want you to be bombarded.

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On to the rest of today's update: I'm going to give a few updates to things I think I've mentioned before as well as simply going to talk about some of the things that have been keeping be busy lately, everything else will likely get it's own post.

School Applications: I've applied to two separate school's Nursing programs. I feel like I've mentioned this before, but I'm going to go into some detail here just in case.

• One school's program that I've applied to is actually the school I've been going to since I started the prerequisites. The campus that houses the program is about an hour's drive and is relatively small and new. They only have one hospital in which they do clinical rotations at regularly, though they do have other places for a week or so here and there. The first term of classes is also only from 8:30-3:30 4 days a week
• The other school is about an hour and a half away, and is one of the oldest programs in the state. The do their clinical at several of the larger hospitals in the Greater Seattle area including many of the places I hope to one day work for. The first term with them will be 7:30-5:00 5 days a week.

Each school has it's pro's and con's including the commute and number of days a week. Go figure the school I'd rather go to (which I perceive as having the better program) has almost 20 more hours of in class time. 

The application process to each of these schools is different, but I have completed both already and now it's the hurry up and wait game. For the first school listed, the waiting consist of merely waiting until the go through and quantify all of the applicants on a 100 point based system (I have 94.4 points) which means I should be getting my response back relatively soon seeing as how the students who are accepted still have to do all of their immunizations and background check. For the other school, you have an earlier dead line and a lot more to do before hand including all of the immunizations and background check, yet it's not until after all of that expensive rigmarole is done, that they invite you to take the make-or-break entrance exam. Like I said, I've already taken it, so for me it, I just have to wait until everyone takes the test, the scores are in, and they quantify students. The waiting process for them will be much longer even though I completed my application well before hand. 

ADD

This is the next subject to update about because it's not getting it's own post, but does play a major roll in my everyday life. In fact, as I was typing out everything about nursing school applications above, I kept getting distracted by trying to learn more information and getting updates. So much so that I completely for got some of the other updates I wanted to talk about until just now. I haven't been very good about taking my meds regularly and it's mostly because I've been waking up too late to take them. I also have been having a hard time falling asleep at a reasonable hour which only adds to the sleeping in late. 

Volunteer Work

A friend from the lodge is going to be in an important officer position starting in April. She asked me to play a pretty big roll during this up coming year, and it's one I've been wanting to play for some time now. I accepted in part because it's hard for me to say no, but also because what she's asking of me is something I would like to do. She asked me to head the membership committee. In theory, it's not that much work, but the hard part is going to be to get things started, so that it can operate with minimal effort on my part. 

Another thing I've been doing is planning the Easter party. We got a small grant of $850 and it has to be used to benefit under privileged children. We knew for a long time that we had the money, that it was going to be used for this holiday, and the demographic it had to be used for, yet no one really did anything to start the process rolling. For a long time I'd noticed that things at the lodge get pulled together at the last minute, and there's always a lot of gripe about how it could have been done better. I'm not the kind of person who is OK with complaining with no plans for action to correct the complaint. In fact, I much rather avoid the complaints all together. So, I took it over. I got a lot of the ground work done, but there's still a lot left to do. Here's hoping all goes well. 

Health and Fitness

I made a few goals at the start of the year. So far, I haven't been very good at keeping them. 

• Classes at the gym three times a week: of the 4 official weeks so far this year, I've only missed one class, and did a 30 minute class for another. 
• 10,000 steps at least 4 days a week: this was meant to be done on the days I didn't go to the gym, but after the first week I felt comfortable with settling for any 4 days. Same for this, I've only missed one day. BUT it wasn't in the same week that I missed the class.
• Salad as a meal 3 days a week: this is by far the hardest one. I said I would do this for only 3 months because I knew I would get worn out on salad, and I was right. It doesn't help that the best value is the big $5 container that last a really long time and usually goes bad by the last salad. There was one week I only had 1 salad the whole week (probably, I didn't seem to track ANYTHING that week), and last week, I only had 2 salads for a meal, but did have two side salads along with a meal. I counted it. 
• Running: The goal was to be able to run the lagoon without stopping. I meant to give it a go a couple of times a week to help build up stamina. I only did that once though. I suppose this isn't a complete fail since I still have 5 days to make it. 

Other:

This is getting long so this is going to be the last update I make. I've been really good about cleaning the house. This is a huge deal to me since for so long it was a sign to myself that I was a bad wife. I also thought it had a lot to do with why my husband didn't seem to love me. It turned out that it had a lot to do with having ADD though. I figured that once I started the meds, I would get better. It wasn't like an on and off switch though. It's been a slow and grueling process, but I happy to say that it's leagues better now, and I hope it keeps improving. 

An almost relapse

My husband told me today that he almost had a relapse. I was in such shock that it was hard for me to follow him when he began to tell me about the rights that went through his head and the feelings that he had because of them.

I don't currently have any thoughts of the matter as I'm still a little shocked, but I can go a little into how he seems to be felling. He seems to be beating himself up quite a lot. I hate setting him like this....

Happy New Year - Week 6

Life for me has been simply and consistent for the last month. Even though this sounds really boring, I can assure you it has not been, and I have been really happy. I know I haven't really posted lately, and I have mixed feeling about that. Part of the reason I haven't posted is because I simply haven't had the time. Another part is because the subject matter of this blog hasn't really been on the forefront of my mind. I think that both of these things are good things.

Weekly update: I had originally intended to post an update every week about what's been happening during the past 7 days. Obviously I skipped last week as it was Christmas and I missed yesterday as it was New Years. I guess that's what I get for picking a Thursday to be the day I make a stand.

So, I'm going to try my best to make this sweet and simple and hopefully to the point. As far as quitting is concerned, for my husband things seem to be going well. I did ask him the other day for a quick update on how things have been for him and he admitted to me that things have been getting a little hard. He was tempted not too long ago and even asked himself "why not?" He told me he didn't though because his answer to himself was "why should I?" I'm really proud of him. I'm not just proud of him for over coming an urge though. I'm most proud of the fact that he was able to tell me about it so freely. He didn't have to force himself or struggle with getting the words out. This makes me thing it's something he's done a fair amount of thinking on, and I feel like mindfulness is going to be a strength to him in the hard times. He didn't choose to tell me about it without prompting, and I'm OK with that. I don't want to feel like a Catholic priest he has to confess his sins and urges to.

During the same conversation he also mentioned that he saw an ad for a T-shirt company and commented on their advertising tactic of using the skinniest girl with the biggest breast and the tightest shirt to catch people's attention. He told me that he caught himself staring just a little to hard at it for a little too long. I can't be completely sure, but it seemed like he had reprimanded himself about and didn't feel too good about himself afterwards. It didn't seem like he beat himself up too much though, and I really hope he didn't. He can be very pessimistic and also a very hard judge of himself. I often feel like those qualities do more harm than good, and really encourage him to see the brighter side of things whenever I can.

I do have to admit that I'm a little relieved to hear that he is having some struggles. I know I've mentioned this in the past and it still stands: I worry that if things seem to be going too easily, then it means something I don't want. It could be that he's relapsed and feels too ashamed or worried about the repercussions to tell me, or it could mean that it was never really a porn addiction to begin with and figuring out what our problems were needed a whole new approach. I don't think I could handle the latter option.

The frequency of sex has declined again. It wasn't until just now that I've started to think that negative things could be a contributing factor. I don't "have that gut feeling" or anything, it's just that in reflecting back I have to honestly acknowledge it's a possibility. I feel more inclined to believe the biggest cause is the medication he's been taking for about a month now. It's in the drug class benzodiazepines which also includes Xanax. He was prescribed this for sleep problems because when he was taking Xanax it didn't really seem to help. This stuff is really allowing him to finally get some restful deep sleep-he even snores now that he's sleeping so deeply. The listed side effects does include a decrease in interest in sex, but is one of the less common side effects.

He does experience some of the more common side effects and they are pretty undesirable, but he's set on continuing to take this medicine for the prescribed two months. I fully back him on this decision even if I really hate the side effects. I would rather take the grumpy him caused by the medicine than the dumpy him caused by a lack of sleep if it means this might help him out. The doctor doesn't want him taking this medicine for more than two months though, so I am concerned about what sleep will be like for him after that.

I do have to mention that in addition to the decreased frequency and the decreased desire for sex the last time we had sex he was unable to maintain a full erection. That is also one of the less common side effects, but I think it's also an effect of relapse. He hasn't mentioned that he's relapsed though, and I want to believe that he hasn't. He does get erections in his sleep though-almost every night.

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As for me: I'm right at the deadline for my nursing school applications, then it's time to play the waiting game. All of the things I've needed to do in order to complete my application packets are what's been keeping me the most busy. The things that I need to do don't even take a lot of time. They just take a lot of my thoughts. I've also been keeping busy with my physical fitness. I'm so happy about this. I "ran" my first 5K on New Years Day (yesterday), and I even help stack the cones afterward. We live in a windy place, so those fuckers we heavy! I felt the aches yesterday worse that I do today though. Well, except for when I attempted to go to yoga this morning. I just couldn't keep up because of the muscle soreness. I've never considered myself a runner. The most I've ever ran in the past was to the bathroom if I'd been holding it for too long. BUT after this 5K I feel really inspired to do it a little more often. We have a lagoon at the local park that was part of the route for the 5K, and I've set a goal to be able to run the whole thing without stopping by the end of the month. It's only about a quarter of a mile, and I feel pretty confident I can do it if I just keep trying every other day or so.

Speaking of fitness, here are my goals:

• Go to a class at the gym at least 3 times a week until classes start in April
• Hit 10,000 steps on my fitness tracking bracelet at least 4 times a week-forever!
• Eat a salad for dinner at lease 3 times a week until classes start in April.
• Run the lagoon non stop by the end of the month. 

These all seem pretty reasonable to me. I was making it to classes about twice a week during December so COMMITTING myself to doing that plus one shouldn't be so hard. Also, I used to hit 10k steps everyday over the summer. All I did was walk about 4 laps around my neighborhood if I didn't get anything done at all that day-it only took about an hour. If I do follow through with the lagoon goal, it should take care of a great majority of the steps. The salad goal is the only one I see a potential problem with. I set it to only 3x a week because I know it's pretty easy to get burned out on something if you do it everyday. I figure that the other four days a week should help to satiate my cravings for other things reasonably well. 

Well, that's it for now. Good luck in your own rebooting journey and what ever your resolutions are.