Weekly update: I had originally intended to post an update every week about what's been happening during the past 7 days. Obviously I skipped last week as it was Christmas and I missed yesterday as it was New Years. I guess that's what I get for picking a Thursday to be the day I make a stand.
So, I'm going to try my best to make this sweet and simple and hopefully to the point. As far as quitting is concerned, for my husband things seem to be going well. I did ask him the other day for a quick update on how things have been for him and he admitted to me that things have been getting a little hard. He was tempted not too long ago and even asked himself "why not?" He told me he didn't though because his answer to himself was "why should I?" I'm really proud of him. I'm not just proud of him for over coming an urge though. I'm most proud of the fact that he was able to tell me about it so freely. He didn't have to force himself or struggle with getting the words out. This makes me thing it's something he's done a fair amount of thinking on, and I feel like mindfulness is going to be a strength to him in the hard times. He didn't choose to tell me about it without prompting, and I'm OK with that. I don't want to feel like a Catholic priest he has to confess his sins and urges to.
During the same conversation he also mentioned that he saw an ad for a T-shirt company and commented on their advertising tactic of using the skinniest girl with the biggest breast and the tightest shirt to catch people's attention. He told me that he caught himself staring just a little to hard at it for a little too long. I can't be completely sure, but it seemed like he had reprimanded himself about and didn't feel too good about himself afterwards. It didn't seem like he beat himself up too much though, and I really hope he didn't. He can be very pessimistic and also a very hard judge of himself. I often feel like those qualities do more harm than good, and really encourage him to see the brighter side of things whenever I can.
I do have to admit that I'm a little relieved to hear that he is having some struggles. I know I've mentioned this in the past and it still stands: I worry that if things seem to be going too easily, then it means something I don't want. It could be that he's relapsed and feels too ashamed or worried about the repercussions to tell me, or it could mean that it was never really a porn addiction to begin with and figuring out what our problems were needed a whole new approach. I don't think I could handle the latter option.
The frequency of sex has declined again. It wasn't until just now that I've started to think that negative things could be a contributing factor. I don't "have that gut feeling" or anything, it's just that in reflecting back I have to honestly acknowledge it's a possibility. I feel more inclined to believe the biggest cause is the medication he's been taking for about a month now. It's in the drug class benzodiazepines which also includes Xanax. He was prescribed this for sleep problems because when he was taking Xanax it didn't really seem to help. This stuff is really allowing him to finally get some restful deep sleep-he even snores now that he's sleeping so deeply. The listed side effects does include a decrease in interest in sex, but is one of the less common side effects.
He does experience some of the more common side effects and they are pretty undesirable, but he's set on continuing to take this medicine for the prescribed two months. I fully back him on this decision even if I really hate the side effects. I would rather take the grumpy him caused by the medicine than the dumpy him caused by a lack of sleep if it means this might help him out. The doctor doesn't want him taking this medicine for more than two months though, so I am concerned about what sleep will be like for him after that.
I do have to mention that in addition to the decreased frequency and the decreased desire for sex the last time we had sex he was unable to maintain a full erection. That is also one of the less common side effects, but I think it's also an effect of relapse. He hasn't mentioned that he's relapsed though, and I want to believe that he hasn't. He does get erections in his sleep though-almost every night.
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As for me: I'm right at the deadline for my nursing school applications, then it's time to play the waiting game. All of the things I've needed to do in order to complete my application packets are what's been keeping me the most busy. The things that I need to do don't even take a lot of time. They just take a lot of my thoughts. I've also been keeping busy with my physical fitness. I'm so happy about this. I "ran" my first 5K on New Years Day (yesterday), and I even help stack the cones afterward. We live in a windy place, so those fuckers we heavy! I felt the aches yesterday worse that I do today though. Well, except for when I attempted to go to yoga this morning. I just couldn't keep up because of the muscle soreness. I've never considered myself a runner. The most I've ever ran in the past was to the bathroom if I'd been holding it for too long. BUT after this 5K I feel really inspired to do it a little more often. We have a lagoon at the local park that was part of the route for the 5K, and I've set a goal to be able to run the whole thing without stopping by the end of the month. It's only about a quarter of a mile, and I feel pretty confident I can do it if I just keep trying every other day or so.Speaking of fitness, here are my goals:
- Go to a class at the gym at least 3 times a week until classes start in April
- Hit 10,000 steps on my fitness tracking bracelet at least 4 times a week-forever!
- Eat a salad for dinner at lease 3 times a week until classes start in April.
- Run the lagoon non stop by the end of the month.
These all seem pretty reasonable to me. I was making it to classes about twice a week during December so COMMITTING myself to doing that plus one shouldn't be so hard. Also, I used to hit 10k steps everyday over the summer. All I did was walk about 4 laps around my neighborhood if I didn't get anything done at all that day-it only took about an hour. If I do follow through with the lagoon goal, it should take care of a great majority of the steps. The salad goal is the only one I see a potential problem with. I set it to only 3x a week because I know it's pretty easy to get burned out on something if you do it everyday. I figure that the other four days a week should help to satiate my cravings for other things reasonably well.
Well, that's it for now. Good luck in your own rebooting journey and what ever your resolutions are.
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