Too good to be true.

Right now things are going so smoothly. I secretly have a fear that things are going so well and that it's too good to be true. Meaning, I fear that if it keeps going this well for months to come, it could mean that either he never really had a porn addiction, or that he's still watching porn behind my back.

I know that finding out he never really had a porn addiction sounds like a really good thing, and people would probably think I'm crazy for thinking of it otherwise. But I can't help for feel like if that is the case, there would be some other, unknown, root cause for our sexual and intimacy problems. It would also mean that all of the excuses I've just recently been able to attribute to porn addiction, could no longer be explained away as easily.

Like for example, his lack of wanting intimate, non-sex related contact isn't just because it's another sign and symptom of porn addiction. Or that when he doesn't feel like having sex with me all that often because he's no longer physically attracted to me isn't just because he was trying to explain away his PIED.

Then, I also fear the possibility that things are/will be seeming to go so well because instead of kicking the addiction and going through the shitty withdrawal stages, he's simply just getting better at hiding it and keeping it under wraps.

I honestly don't know which of these two fears are the worst. With the first, we face either having to explore a whole new world of unknowns or accepting that our marriage just isn't going to work. The latter would suck the most out of these two possibilities because it would mean that there is no possibility for change or improvement. It would mean simply having to accept that... those things were really true all along and I've just wasted eight years of my life denying them.

For the second, I really don't know how I would react to finding out he wasn't even trying anymore and just gave in. Or worse, never even really tried to begin with but rather simply became determined to be better at hiding it. I know that I was so firm on saying that this was it and that I wasn't going to do it any more, but... I don't know. The old fears as to why I never left in the past are starting to come up again I think. I think I am more worried about how I would sustain myself and be on my own while going to school than anything else. I also think that that fear is blinding me, or skewing my thoughts about making a firm act. I want to be confident that I will stand my ground and leave him if he's still "using", so I'm ashamed of the fact that the fear of "how/where will I live" might be making me biased or blind.

Also... we have commitments to hosting foreign exchange students and having my nephews come to visit in the summer. So it's very hard to see me leaving because of those commitments.

Then... there's also, "if it was never porn" or "if it doesn't get better even with porn out of the picture". In either of these situations I don't want to find myself living a half life in a loveless marriage.

"A nice thing with my wife" - That was random.

The other day by husband text me and said, "...if you are not doing ... all day, I would like to catch a movie with you some place nice. If there anything you want to see?" I was so damned excited that I completely forgot that I did indeed have plans that evening even though it wasn't what he'd mentioned in the ... part. When I remembered I let my friend know what was happening and plans changed.

For my birthday, by husband wanted to two things: dinner at my favorite restaurant and a movie at a place with more than 4 screens, aka "some place nice". Unfortunately he didn't think things through all the way because he also made plans to tutor someone the day of, so we only ended up doing dinner.

When he text me though, I was so freaking excited. I honestly felt like he was trying to make up for the day before when he really pissed me off. The day before we both had appointments to give blood at a local blood drive, but because he was running late we just met there. We talked about what we were doing after and were considering dinner and decided that we were going to be going our separate ways. I was going to go to the lodge meeting and he was going to go home and try to sleep. When we were all done and walking to our cars he was distracted by his phone.

Call me crazy, but it's been a thing I've insisted on for almost 10 years now: when ever we part ways we don't ever do so without kissing good bye, even when he's just leaving the room. Well, he didn't. He didn't even say, "bye, I'll see you at home." I was mad, because I had no intention of going home and he wasn't going to see me for the rest of the night. I went home anyways, just to try to get that kiss and he wouldn't even meet me at the bottom of the stairs.

I left the house mad. So when I get this text the next day, I got all excited thinking that it was his was of making up for things. Nope. It was his was of trying to complete his original plans for my birthday. I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't another sweet gesture for being an ass, but I'm not stupid. I'll take what ever sweet things I can where ever I can.

First day and he made me cry

A couple of weeks ago I officially worked my first day as a CNA. I know that it's really nothing special to a lot of people, but to me it was very exciting. Not only was it the first time I really worked in a long time (aside from random tutoring), but it was also using something that I worked very hard to earn and not just some job that any ol' person could just up and apply to and do.

Not only was it my first day, but I also happened to get paid as well. I was stoked and decided that I wanted to do something to celebrate and use my first check to do so. I decided to drive to my husband's work which is about 45 minutes away, and pick him up and take him with me to go to the big uniform outlet that has a huge selection of scrubs. When I started driving I called him. He didn't pick up and I tried a few more times. Eventually I decided to just call his work and ask them to send me to his desk. Turns out he left his phone in his car.

Anyways, I told him I was on my way and would be there shortly and to be ready to leave because I wanted to celebrate my first day/first check. I got the just after he should have been done for the day. He told me that there was a few things left for him to have to do at work and that I would either have to wait or that he would have to do it when we got home and what ever I wanted to do couldn't take long. I was in a good mood, and had been trying hard lately to be more understanding, so I told him not to worry, just get it done and I would walk around while I waited to get some steps in.

When he finally called me to let me know he was ready to go, I met him and told him to hop in. Instead we decided to leave his car at the half way point so we wouldn't have to go out of our way on the return. During the drive the first thing he did was start to bitch about his bad day and all of the reasons why it was a bad day. At first it didn't bother me because it was a norm. He would get off work, I would ask how his day went, he would bitch for a while and then that would be that. I used to get all flustered and want to do something to make his day better, but after a long hard while, I eventually figured out there was nothing I could do. Even now though, I still listen and sometimes try to give him advice. This went from saying, "you need too..." to "if I were in the position..." or "have you considered...". Huge improvements, but that's besides the point. When he first started in complaining I just sort of went with it. I knew he was having a bad day and wanted to be there to lend an ear. After a while though it really started to kill the mood.

When he finally got done complaining, he whipped out his laptop and work phone (to tether internet) and began doing more work. I want to say in hindsight that maybe he said something about still having stuff to do, but not wanting to be there to do it any more. This really annoyed me because I hadn't yet had the chance to tell him about my day. When we finally got to the uniform store I got out and expected him to as well. He didn't though. I went inside and began trying to make my selection. I tried to make the best out of the situation by telling myself I could pick out the ones I really liked and have his opinion of the final decision when he finally wrapped up and came inside. He never came. As I was checking out, I noticed a 2 pack of shiny CNA pins. Again, I tried to make the best of the situation and tell myself at least he could pin me. I made my purchases and walked out only to see he didn't even notice me. I decided to give him some time to wrap up so I walked around the outlet for a while. When I got bored I decided to watch from a ways away and noticed he was all done, but still sitting in the car. He didn't even message me to let me know.

At this point I was so mad that I stuffed my purchase into my left pocket where I knew he wouldn't see as I drove and got in the car. He asked if I got anything and all I could say was maybe. He tried to ask me more, but I didn't want to speak. I told my therapist this tale, and at first he remarked that it was funny that I knew I wasn't going to say anything yet the response I have him was one that begged for more questions. I told him that what actually happened was that I didn't want to give him the pleasure of knowing I did buy something, but I also didn't want to lie.

I didn't say a word the entire drive back to his car. I just cried silently. For some reason I even tried to hide my tears. When I got home I went straight to bed even though it was only 6 because I didn't want to say anything to him. To be truthful, I don't know what I would have said. I had so many emotions, questions, feelings stirring inside of me that I didn't even know where to start yet at the same time I was resolved not to say anything at all. If he didn't know where he fucked up at I didn't want to know. If he knew where he fucked up, I didn't want to hear any excuses. Even thinking about it now makes me tear up.

I laid in bed trying to sleep for about an hour before I noticed he should have been home already. Part of me was irritated and thinking that he went off on a drive to "clear his head" because he somehow felt affronted by my coldness. He does that a lot. I get mad at him about something and instead of feeling bad or repentant he gets mad like he's the one who was somehow wronged. Then I started to worry that he might have gotten into an accident because he was driving while so worked up.

It turned out that neither was right. He went to the grocery store and bought me flowers and a card. When I saw them I still didn't say anything but because I couldn't. He had only ever bought be flowers 3 times before: twice for my birthday and once for Valentine's day, two times when we were hardly a year dating and once because a coworker saw on my facebook page that it was all I really wanted.

It was so strange how quickly I forgave him, but it was also so strange how clearly he understood why I was so upset. I also remember thinking, "oh, this is what it takes to get a nice gesture from him?"