Drafted post, never published. 11/24/14
This is a really good song. It popped into my head after a conversation my husband and I had about porn addiction. Actually, the very first conversation. I was so amped up, because there was so much I felt I needed to say, but it was late and he was tired and on travel. So I talked to myself and recorded it.
Basically though, the reason this popped into my head was because it takes more than words to say I love you. My husband would always try to explain that he showed he loved me by working his ass off and being able to provide. I always felt that this was caused more by his own needs (workaholic) than his desire to show he loved me. I do agree that it takes more than words to show someone you love them, though, and what I need from him is... at it's core: intimacy. Touches, kisses, smiles.
I used to be able to communicate to him that I wanted him to kiss me passionately just by looking at him a certain way. I had noticed a long time ago that he was no longer able to recognize that look in my eyes. Recently though, he was and it almost made me cry. When I mentioned it to him, he said he always could, just never responded.
And that did make me cry. Inside.
I would have been happier thinking that he was gaining something back through the quitting process than to learn that it was never something he lost. Rather, simply choose to ignore it.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Friday, March 20, 2015
Four months in and still feeling....
It's been four months since my husband's reboot on November 20th.
Life as we know it has changed in so many ways. I've changed in so many ways. And yet... Things still feel the same in so many ways.
Some of the life changes:
- Full time school - I will be going to school Monday through Friday and can expect a full days load of class. I will be having to wake up at the same time as my husband and I will be having to wake up my daughter just before we leave as well. I will have school to devote so much of my time and attention to, and will have little left for home and family life.
- A daughter - We have had our daughter for almost two months now, and though it already feels like she's always been here, she's also something to consume my time with. This means very little time for my husband and I-alone. It also means putting another person's needs before my own or even his.
- Active in our lodge - I've been very active in our lodge's activities lately, and that is yet another thing to act as a time taker/distraction. This isn't going to last once school starts. By this time in two weeks I will be so inundated with other things (*cough cough* school *cough*) that this will really have to be put on the back burner.
Changes in myself:
- I'm not depressed. There are moments that I get really sad, and once or twice where I've felt overwhelmingly depressed, but the feelings didn't last long. As a whole, I've felt better than I have in years. Yes, I'm anxious about school and stressed over bills, and those aren't very happy feelings to be having, but over all I'm happy. I'm achieving some very important goals, I'm learning to not take on things that I don't want to take on, and-most importantly-I'm finding fulfillment in myself.
- Finding happiness/fulfillment in myself. This is a really big one. For so long I've been looking to my husband to "make me whole" and fill in all of the empty spaces in my heart. I've learned that I can't do that, because it will never work. I've learned that I need only me and my actions to make me happy, and that everything else is just icing on the cake.
- Meds... oh the meds. I've upped the dose for both metformin and levothyroxine. Now I'm having (more) regular cycles and it's giving me a better hope of having a child of my own. I also feel less tired and lethargic thanks to the upped dose of levo. As for adderall... I'm thinking I might need to ask for the dose to be upped. I'm not sure. For a long while I was feeling like the meds weren't being as effective as they were at first, but now that I'm on more levo, I think things are getting better again. I think the low thyroid hormones was just really dragging me down.
What all of these changes mean?
Well, they mostly mean that I've been too busy to really focus on the porn addiction problem and the progress my husband has made so far. This kind of bothers me because I don't really know where he's at in the quitting process. I don't know how he's feeling or if he's been struggling. This bothers me mostly because sometimes I feel like he's not making any strides at all or is even slipping back sometimes and I want to know what's going on with him-to know if the ways I'm feeling have any real credence.
These changes also mean that I haven't really been that concerned about his progress. Yes, I do want to know because I feel certain ways, but at the same time those feelings are fleeting. I don't ruminate about them, and therefore they don't really bother me that much. It's most likely an out of sight out of mind kind of thing, and I am concerned that at the end of these two years, or even when I get the summers off, I'm going to walk into a shit storm I didn't see coming because I've been too distracted to look. But right now... I'm OK with it. I'm OK with being content with going through the motions, and just asking every once in a while for an update.
So to sum it all up: I'm happy. I have concerns in the back of my mind that pop up from time to time, but they don't linger. I don't know what that will mean for me in the future, but right now I'm good just worrying about me.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Last night was a pretty bad night.
I'm going to preface this post by saying that the only reason I'm recording these thoughts here in this blog is simply because I don't want to forget them. I don't really think these events have anything to do with my husband's porn addiction, but rather his over all mental and emotional health.
A little background:
A couple of weeks ago, my husband told me that because of the changes taking place at work, he would very likely be traveling again. He mentioned a few potential weeks that he would likely be going and I kind of freaked a little. I've been super anxious about school starting at the end of the month, and was because of that anxiety I wasn't really prepared for him to be leaving for days at a time. Especially since we now have another person at home who relies on us.
So, when he said that I freaked, and I asked him if he could request off for yesterday. He procrastinated, and then messaged me about it later. I didn't know what he was talking about or why I would have asked him to request off so I told him not to worry about it. Later, when I remembered that I had an intake test I needed to go to yesterday, I called him up while he was at worked and told me I remembered. He took off. He told me that he didn't think it was necessary, and I agreed but I told him I wanted him to anyways because I might need him for support, or in case I didn't get home at a reasonable time.
I suppose the thing that must have stuck out to him the most was that I needed him to be off so that he could be there for me. It turns out that this was sort of true as I was having the worse anxiety attack I've had since planning the wedding. I say sort of though, because I really wasn't prepared to come home. I walked around the campus after the test was all over with for a while. I went to an informational meeting provided by some of the nursing students who are further along in the program as well as took a tour as guided by those students. It helped calm my nerves while I was distracted, but the distractions were only intermittent. My anxiety was so bad that I could feel my heart rate shooting through the roof, and my vision kept getting blurry. I guess with my history of hypo-tension... I don't know. Anyways, I checked my pulse a few times and each time it was well over 95.
After I dropped off the girl I carpooled with, I went back to the school because I saw the traffic was pretty backed up going home. Luckily she told me how to get to and from her place while avoiding the highway. I went back to the school to see if there was anything else I could take care of since I was already there. There was, and I did. I still wasn't ready to go home. This was in part because of the anxiety but most because of the traffic. I decided to go to the uniform store that the school chose to switch to just to waste a little time and see what my future options would be. While I was there I saw a few other stores I felt like stopping in and so did. I also let my husband know that I was "going to wait it out". This is where the problem started...
I left it at that, since when he tried to call me we got disconnected and he never tried to call me back. I went to Marshall's and was able to pick up a few things for a few people who I knew were looking, this included my daughter. When I was all done there, I realized I was just up the road from the better mall, so I decided I would go there and get a few things done that I wouldn't have the opportunity to do anywhere else. I ended up staying there until almost 9 at night. It wasn't because I was taking my time or anything... in fact I only wasted about 2 hours at the mall, and about 45 minutes of it wasn't a waste at all because I was able to take care of something really important.
Anyways, and this is the important stuff, as I was preparing to leave, I decided to call my husband to let him know I would finally be heading home-an hour and a half drive. He was obviously annoyed and upset with me, and it really made me mad.
At first he was just being bitchy about dinner. He wanted to make something, but things were taking forever because of circumstances. He couldn't cook because the dishes were dirty, he had to wait because the meat was frozen... blah blah blah. Even as he was complaining about these things but not saying that any of them were out right my fault, it was still very clear he blamed me for his bad day.
Side note: I have played the game long enough and I'm tired of it. I'm not doing this thing any more... this thing where he shows signs up being upset about something and I try to sooth him and take on the blame for his feelings just to try to make things better. It does me no good to feel like I'm constantly to blame for his issues, and it certainly does him no good to continually misplace his frustrations on me. He's the one in control of his actions, not me.
I stopped and included that side note because it explains pretty well the reasoning behind my actions during the conversation as follows. While we were talking, because it was so clear he was upset and frustrated with me, I told him is good communication style, "Because of the tone in your voice, I feel like you are frustrated with me." I don't recall him having a direct response to that, instead he went on to tell me about how he didn't do the things he planned to do today because he was waiting for me to get home. He also told me that he didn't even realize I was out wondering the streets, but that he thought I had just pulled over and was waiting. I'm not really sure why he made this assumption. I told him I would wait out the traffic, but I never said I had simply pulled over. Then he started talking about how he didn't even know I was in a town that was south of the school, and pointing out that it was the opposite direction from our home.
Here's one thing: he was obviously frustrated because he didn't know what my actions were in more detail. He made assumptions and drew conclusions, which don't even seem reasonable to me. Either way, he was frustrated because my actions did not line up with what he assumed. This goes to that side note. He did not take responsibility for the fact that his emotions we brought on by his own doing. I did nothing that caused the frustration. I did not tell him I was pulling over on the side of the road and parking until traffic began moving, but was actually out shopping. I simply didn't give him more detail.
We covered that, and got on the second thing: he wasn't able to go to a lodge meeting that he wanted to make it to because he was at home trying to make dinner. I guess this is the second and third thing really. He was also frustrated that it took so long for him to make dinner in the first place. He walked to me about 5pm, and said that he was going to cook something. He didn't get dinner done until after 9pm. I was never asked nor was it expected of me to have dinner plans made or ready for him. Dinner has always just been what ever we figure out each day. So, he didn't get dinner done because dished had to be cleaned before he could start. Then the meat was frozen and it had to thaw, and he also waited until it was closer to the time he assumed I would be getting home. You tracking so far? So he was frustrated with me for several reasons that, again, had nothing to do with any actions that I took.
Once I realized this I was trying to talk to him with good communication. I told him I understand that he's feeling frustrated, and these were the reasons he was feeling frustrated. I told him that his frustrations were founded by things that I had no control over, but I would still like to avoid this sort of thing from happening again. I told him some of the things I could do in order to avoid them which included being more clear about what I'm planning to do and the time frames I plan for those things take place during. I also told him I could be more diligent about updating him with changes as they occur. From that point, I asked him what some of the things were that he could do to avoid the frustrations in the future.
Rather than actually telling me his actions, he started explaining why he was frustrated and what he felt caused it, and... aaah! That did not answer the question presented to him. So... I stopped him, and told him he was going off on a tangent and not answering me. I restated the question, and gave an example. The example I gave was, "perhaps in the future when a situation like this occurs you could not make assumptions, but rather verify information and get facts." He wasn't hearing that though and started telling me what caused his frustration again. Then he said, "I'll just get over it".
Honestly, that really made me cry. I was trying so hard to get through this problem, and make sure we both understood the actual cause, and both made strides to improve in order to prevent it from happening again.
There are many points along the way with this story where I would have normally/ historically acted differently had it happened in the past. But, I've been making great strides, and was staying on that path. At this point in the story, it was beginning to be too difficult. I was crying, it was hard to speak, and I was feeling so many different ways that I couldn't even begin to form an "I feel" statement. Not only did I feel way too many different ways, but I also wasn't really able to even put some of those feelings into words. I simply didn't have words for them. Normally I would have broken down crying and just stopped there. But I didn't, and I pushed on. And he was uncomfortable and just wanted the conversation to end.
He tried to end the conversation there, and I don't really recall what words lead to what words, but I told him not to expect to see me home, because I didn't want to be there and I didn't intend to. I suppose that must have gotten his attention because all of a sudden he wanted to talk again.
Eventually we talked things out, but I still didn't feel very good about the conversation. I feel like we came to a conclusion but it was a reluctant one. One in which he only wanted to appease me in order to insure I would come home. When we ended the conversation, he asked if I was going to come home now, and I told him that I really wasn't sure. I told him I was feeling some very confusing emotions and that I still didn't really want to. I told him that I likely would come home, but not to wait up for me. But I also assured him that if I wasn't to come home, I would at least promise to be safe.
A little background:
A couple of weeks ago, my husband told me that because of the changes taking place at work, he would very likely be traveling again. He mentioned a few potential weeks that he would likely be going and I kind of freaked a little. I've been super anxious about school starting at the end of the month, and was because of that anxiety I wasn't really prepared for him to be leaving for days at a time. Especially since we now have another person at home who relies on us.
So, when he said that I freaked, and I asked him if he could request off for yesterday. He procrastinated, and then messaged me about it later. I didn't know what he was talking about or why I would have asked him to request off so I told him not to worry about it. Later, when I remembered that I had an intake test I needed to go to yesterday, I called him up while he was at worked and told me I remembered. He took off. He told me that he didn't think it was necessary, and I agreed but I told him I wanted him to anyways because I might need him for support, or in case I didn't get home at a reasonable time.
I suppose the thing that must have stuck out to him the most was that I needed him to be off so that he could be there for me. It turns out that this was sort of true as I was having the worse anxiety attack I've had since planning the wedding. I say sort of though, because I really wasn't prepared to come home. I walked around the campus after the test was all over with for a while. I went to an informational meeting provided by some of the nursing students who are further along in the program as well as took a tour as guided by those students. It helped calm my nerves while I was distracted, but the distractions were only intermittent. My anxiety was so bad that I could feel my heart rate shooting through the roof, and my vision kept getting blurry. I guess with my history of hypo-tension... I don't know. Anyways, I checked my pulse a few times and each time it was well over 95.
After I dropped off the girl I carpooled with, I went back to the school because I saw the traffic was pretty backed up going home. Luckily she told me how to get to and from her place while avoiding the highway. I went back to the school to see if there was anything else I could take care of since I was already there. There was, and I did. I still wasn't ready to go home. This was in part because of the anxiety but most because of the traffic. I decided to go to the uniform store that the school chose to switch to just to waste a little time and see what my future options would be. While I was there I saw a few other stores I felt like stopping in and so did. I also let my husband know that I was "going to wait it out". This is where the problem started...
I left it at that, since when he tried to call me we got disconnected and he never tried to call me back. I went to Marshall's and was able to pick up a few things for a few people who I knew were looking, this included my daughter. When I was all done there, I realized I was just up the road from the better mall, so I decided I would go there and get a few things done that I wouldn't have the opportunity to do anywhere else. I ended up staying there until almost 9 at night. It wasn't because I was taking my time or anything... in fact I only wasted about 2 hours at the mall, and about 45 minutes of it wasn't a waste at all because I was able to take care of something really important.
Anyways, and this is the important stuff, as I was preparing to leave, I decided to call my husband to let him know I would finally be heading home-an hour and a half drive. He was obviously annoyed and upset with me, and it really made me mad.
At first he was just being bitchy about dinner. He wanted to make something, but things were taking forever because of circumstances. He couldn't cook because the dishes were dirty, he had to wait because the meat was frozen... blah blah blah. Even as he was complaining about these things but not saying that any of them were out right my fault, it was still very clear he blamed me for his bad day.
Side note: I have played the game long enough and I'm tired of it. I'm not doing this thing any more... this thing where he shows signs up being upset about something and I try to sooth him and take on the blame for his feelings just to try to make things better. It does me no good to feel like I'm constantly to blame for his issues, and it certainly does him no good to continually misplace his frustrations on me. He's the one in control of his actions, not me.
I stopped and included that side note because it explains pretty well the reasoning behind my actions during the conversation as follows. While we were talking, because it was so clear he was upset and frustrated with me, I told him is good communication style, "Because of the tone in your voice, I feel like you are frustrated with me." I don't recall him having a direct response to that, instead he went on to tell me about how he didn't do the things he planned to do today because he was waiting for me to get home. He also told me that he didn't even realize I was out wondering the streets, but that he thought I had just pulled over and was waiting. I'm not really sure why he made this assumption. I told him I would wait out the traffic, but I never said I had simply pulled over. Then he started talking about how he didn't even know I was in a town that was south of the school, and pointing out that it was the opposite direction from our home.
Here's one thing: he was obviously frustrated because he didn't know what my actions were in more detail. He made assumptions and drew conclusions, which don't even seem reasonable to me. Either way, he was frustrated because my actions did not line up with what he assumed. This goes to that side note. He did not take responsibility for the fact that his emotions we brought on by his own doing. I did nothing that caused the frustration. I did not tell him I was pulling over on the side of the road and parking until traffic began moving, but was actually out shopping. I simply didn't give him more detail.
We covered that, and got on the second thing: he wasn't able to go to a lodge meeting that he wanted to make it to because he was at home trying to make dinner. I guess this is the second and third thing really. He was also frustrated that it took so long for him to make dinner in the first place. He walked to me about 5pm, and said that he was going to cook something. He didn't get dinner done until after 9pm. I was never asked nor was it expected of me to have dinner plans made or ready for him. Dinner has always just been what ever we figure out each day. So, he didn't get dinner done because dished had to be cleaned before he could start. Then the meat was frozen and it had to thaw, and he also waited until it was closer to the time he assumed I would be getting home. You tracking so far? So he was frustrated with me for several reasons that, again, had nothing to do with any actions that I took.
Once I realized this I was trying to talk to him with good communication. I told him I understand that he's feeling frustrated, and these were the reasons he was feeling frustrated. I told him that his frustrations were founded by things that I had no control over, but I would still like to avoid this sort of thing from happening again. I told him some of the things I could do in order to avoid them which included being more clear about what I'm planning to do and the time frames I plan for those things take place during. I also told him I could be more diligent about updating him with changes as they occur. From that point, I asked him what some of the things were that he could do to avoid the frustrations in the future.
Rather than actually telling me his actions, he started explaining why he was frustrated and what he felt caused it, and... aaah! That did not answer the question presented to him. So... I stopped him, and told him he was going off on a tangent and not answering me. I restated the question, and gave an example. The example I gave was, "perhaps in the future when a situation like this occurs you could not make assumptions, but rather verify information and get facts." He wasn't hearing that though and started telling me what caused his frustration again. Then he said, "I'll just get over it".
Honestly, that really made me cry. I was trying so hard to get through this problem, and make sure we both understood the actual cause, and both made strides to improve in order to prevent it from happening again.
There are many points along the way with this story where I would have normally/ historically acted differently had it happened in the past. But, I've been making great strides, and was staying on that path. At this point in the story, it was beginning to be too difficult. I was crying, it was hard to speak, and I was feeling so many different ways that I couldn't even begin to form an "I feel" statement. Not only did I feel way too many different ways, but I also wasn't really able to even put some of those feelings into words. I simply didn't have words for them. Normally I would have broken down crying and just stopped there. But I didn't, and I pushed on. And he was uncomfortable and just wanted the conversation to end.
He tried to end the conversation there, and I don't really recall what words lead to what words, but I told him not to expect to see me home, because I didn't want to be there and I didn't intend to. I suppose that must have gotten his attention because all of a sudden he wanted to talk again.
Eventually we talked things out, but I still didn't feel very good about the conversation. I feel like we came to a conclusion but it was a reluctant one. One in which he only wanted to appease me in order to insure I would come home. When we ended the conversation, he asked if I was going to come home now, and I told him that I really wasn't sure. I told him I was feeling some very confusing emotions and that I still didn't really want to. I told him that I likely would come home, but not to wait up for me. But I also assured him that if I wasn't to come home, I would at least promise to be safe.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Life/family changes. We have a daughter!
I started this post over a month ago but never finished it. The block quote below is what I started with.
I can't remember the point of this post exactly. Obviously it was to talk about the changes that have been taking place in my life-including our new daughter, but I feel like it was probably more than that.
Here's what I assume I wanted to stress:
I know it's been a while since I posted last, and that seems to feel like a broken record kind of thing to say. But it's been a while for a good reason. The reason why it's been a while is because life has just been so darn busy. And that also sounds like a broken record thing to say. But this time it's true and for pretty different reasons. This time I have been busy with Elks stuff, school stuff, and also with the fact that we now have a daughter. And it's not one of those, "oh my gosh we could try and get pregnant for so long, and it finally happened" kind of things. Actually it's because we have a foreign exchange student living with us and we are acting as her parents while she is here.
This is something that my husband and I have talked about doing for a long time. But it was just never really the time to do it. We were always busy, we always were concerned that we wouldn't be able to spend enough time with them, or provide them with the things they need. But a little while ago maybe about 4 weeks now this woman that we know stopped us and asked us hey have you guys ever thought about his new strange student. We told her that we talked thought about it but that it just didn't seem like the right time. And then she proceeded to tell us about this student that was here and staying with a family and that was just not having a good time she seemed miserable and you know she just needed to be in a new place. She also told us that there was a couple that really wanted to take her but unfortunately they were old enough to. And well we talked about it and he basically left the decision up to me and the sob story really touched my heart strings and I'm a sucker. So here we are new parents with an 18 year old foreign exchange student who is from Mongolia and just truly a joy to have in our lives.
I can't remember the point of this post exactly. Obviously it was to talk about the changes that have been taking place in my life-including our new daughter, but I feel like it was probably more than that.
Here's what I assume I wanted to stress:
For so long my reaction to random people telling me they loved me really made me feel bad. My reaction was that I would get all awkward and clam up, and feel like they we expecting me to say it back-but I couldn't. I would feel bad about this because I would reflect on how easy it was for me in my past to say this. I felt like I was lacking in something, and I was worried about whatever I was lacking in effecting my capacity to love potential adopted children-a very real possibility in my future.
But having our new daughter here, even in such a short period of time, has really put my mind to rest on the subject. She's only been with us a short while, but I already know that I love her and will miss her when she's gone. I reflected on something that happened while talking to my therapist, and noted how good it felt to be able to give of myself to this person with out having any expectations of receiving anything in return, yet getting something nonetheless. We are hosting her because we choose to, and we provide for her tutelage and advice because we feel compelled to of own our reasoning, and we don't expect gratitude, thanks, or appreciation in return. So when she out right says it, or does small acts to show it the impact it has is astounding.
I remember remarking upon the fact that I no longer had the looming fear that I would never be able to love an adopted child as I would my own, and I remember saying that I have this experience to thank for it.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
"Love songs are a bunch of shit"
"Love songs are a bunch of shit," is an indirect quote from my therapist on our first meeting.
The first day, we talking about why I was there and what I could expect out of the client-therapist relationship. After mentioning a little about why I was there (marital issues and subsequent depression, cutting, excessive drinking and harmful acts to myself) he said something along the lines of what equated in my brain as that quote.
I decided to make this post because I have been posting in response to a person in the RebootNation forums (click here to see) and I reflected on the very last line I wrote.
I'm not really sure exactly what thoughts are going through my head right now, but I'm sure that as I type out this blog post things will become at least a little more clear. One thing is certain though. I know now that I am the only person who can make myself whole. If I rely on anyone else, then I am doing myself an injustice, and just asking for pain and hardship later on. I can not rely on another person to "make me whole" because I have no control over any other person's actions. If I want to be whole, I have to do it for myself. I can only hope that I find another person who can enhance the wholeness that I've made for myself, and therefore enhance my life.
I guess this song and how enamored I've been with it since first hearing it almost 10 years ago and the strong emotions it's made me feel about my now husband... really are bullshit though. As I type this out, I recall a little more clearly my therapist actually words: "love songs set up false expectations... and make a huge mess out of what people expect to get out of relationships." Again, this is an indirect quote, but I think it really covers the essence of what he said that day and why it stuck out to me.
This song... I felt describe my husband perfectly. He made me whole. He was perfect for me. He provided me with everything I couldn't provide for myself. I should be thankful.... But it's not true.
The first day, we talking about why I was there and what I could expect out of the client-therapist relationship. After mentioning a little about why I was there (marital issues and subsequent depression, cutting, excessive drinking and harmful acts to myself) he said something along the lines of what equated in my brain as that quote.
I decided to make this post because I have been posting in response to a person in the RebootNation forums (click here to see) and I reflected on the very last line I wrote.
In the end, it all comes down to "what do I need to do for myself, so that I can be whole?".That line made me thing of a song that I really love. I love it so much in fact that it is my wedding song. Amel Larrieux - "Make Me Whole"
I'm not really sure exactly what thoughts are going through my head right now, but I'm sure that as I type out this blog post things will become at least a little more clear. One thing is certain though. I know now that I am the only person who can make myself whole. If I rely on anyone else, then I am doing myself an injustice, and just asking for pain and hardship later on. I can not rely on another person to "make me whole" because I have no control over any other person's actions. If I want to be whole, I have to do it for myself. I can only hope that I find another person who can enhance the wholeness that I've made for myself, and therefore enhance my life.
I guess this song and how enamored I've been with it since first hearing it almost 10 years ago and the strong emotions it's made me feel about my now husband... really are bullshit though. As I type this out, I recall a little more clearly my therapist actually words: "love songs set up false expectations... and make a huge mess out of what people expect to get out of relationships." Again, this is an indirect quote, but I think it really covers the essence of what he said that day and why it stuck out to me.
This song... I felt describe my husband perfectly. He made me whole. He was perfect for me. He provided me with everything I couldn't provide for myself. I should be thankful.... But it's not true.
- No one's perfect, and I knew I was lying to myself about him being perfect for me every time I quoted myself in saying, "any relationship can work, so long as the two people involved both want it to, are able to identify the issues, and work to correct them". This is to say, there's no such thing as soul mates, or matches made in heaven. There's only relationships that seem that way because the people in it are willing to work toward it.
- He didn't make me whole... in fact, in trying to have him fill gaps in myself it actually created bigger holes. Blows to my self esteem, self confidence, and self worth all made me feel like less of a person. It wasn't until I finally stopped believing the things he told me, or letting them bother me in the same self diminishing ways that I was able to feel like a real person again.
- I should have been thankful for so many things... but that didn't mean I should have been so thankful that it meant pushing aside all of the problems, looking past them, or letting them slide. I'm still working to identify which attributes belong to what problems, and figuring out if they are worth the battle, but I'm getting there. *
*Example: My husband is a workaholic. He always remarks that he works so hard to provide for us, and our family, and to him that gives him credence and permission to continue down this path. To me, I feel like saying he works hard to provide for our family is great-indeed something to be thankful about-but working so hard that he neglects his family is going too far. It moves from the realm of wanting to fulfill a goal to needing to fulfill an addiction.
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