I think two weeks ago from today is going the be the day that I count as Day 1. I cannot say with out a doubt what day prior to it my husband last looked at porn, but I can say that this is the day that we talked about the problem openly and he agreed to give going without porn a shot. Part of me is reluctant to say "this is Day 1" for the simple fact that on Thursday of last week he went online to all of the accounts (he could think of) that he had on porn sites and began to delete his accounts. I wasn't home, so I honestly have no way of knowing if he said, "well, one last go for old times sake" or not. The feeling of the day, when I finally got home and we talked was such that I could believe him at the time, but after everything... it's kind of hard. So... two Day 1's? I don't know.
So far though, sex has been... well, it started off strong. We've had sex a total of four times, three of those times was in a 7 day span. All in all, it's double our normal rate so it is a pretty big deal to me. It didn't feel forced either. I know I can't measure things by how often we have sex though. Overall intimacy has been much improved. When we are just interacting on a regular basis there's a lot more loving kissing and what not. I've noticed he;s more inclined to put his hands to my body even when sex isn't in the picture. It feels strange because it's so uncommon, so I can't help but to notice when these things happen. However, I'm reluctant to say anything or ask why he's doing these things because I... I'm not really sure what words to use to put down these thoughts, but I'm going to try my best here. I don't want to point out that I notice he's doing this only to make him feel awkward or want to stop.
On another important note: he broke his cell phone, and has been reduced to using his old Nokia Express Music phone. Knowing him, he's not going to dish out the money to buy a new smart phone for a while Though he did spend $75 on a repair kit. His overall use of the internet use has also decreased drastically. I don't know how much of that has to do with spending more time away from home or more time with me though.
Before all of this started, we put a lot of effort into spending as much time apart as possible, so that we could break some of our codependency issues, and be overall more productive. The first week we've spent more time together, but have also been relatively less productive. We have been sleeping in the same bed more often than not though, and it's kind of nice. We got a new bed, so it's going to take some getting used to-the bed and sleeping together that is.
A point of concern on my part was that before the second week (this current week) started, I started to think about how the week would pan out. I had completely forgotten about it being Thanksgiving week, and therefore forgot about not going to class on Thursday as well as him having off of work a few days this week. Normally, I would go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and not get home until pretty late in the evening. This time at school has traditionally allowed him some alone time at home, and has also been a prime time for him to "relax" with his friend, the internet- fairly often including porn. At first I was worried about Tuesday, then I remembered that he had to meet with the local troop at 5 and that he normally takes a nap. Though this hasn't always stopped him in the past, it has been a deterrent. After that day passed I began worrying about Thursday since there was nothing pressing to keep his attention other wise. I was honestly thinking about seeing up a camera in his room to record. It's pretty fucked up that I would think that, but I don't really feel guilty for it. Either way, it didn't matter because he ended up having Wednesday and Thursday off. Bullet dodged.
Though the way the week worked itself out turned out to be in my favor and I seemed to be worried for nothing, it doesn't change that I have the same worries for next week. I know I'm going to have the same concerns until the end of this school term because I already do. As to what I'm going to do about them... well, I guess we will just have to see.
We'll see how things go from here, but it's good to check in and see what changes are being made, and what changes are still needing to be made.
No comments:
Post a Comment