In my last post I talked a bit about my concern for my husbands possible relapse while I'm away in class for two days a week. I only have two weeks left in the quarter to worry about this though so that's a plus. The bad thing is, and I could list many, is that I'm worried at all. I don't think it's at all unfounded so don't mistake me. It's just that I hate that this is the case. I want to trust my husband and in many ways I do trust him. However, when someone has an addition... There's just always those nagging thoughts of, "what if", and "right now would be so easy" or "right now would normally be a time..."
I really want to set up some sort of way to monitor his actions online. While I feel guilty about wanting to do this, I also feel like I need the piece of mind. We don't have trust right now, and we need to build it. "Spying" is honestly how I feel I could best build that trust again.
That makes me think of cheaters, and how they always tell their spouses "trust goes both ways", "how can I trust you if you are always spying on me?". Maybe I'm being jaded right now, but I'm not the one who lost the trust, so I don't think I should have to be the one to work to gain or keep it.
Spying still feels wrong...
But I still have a need to feel confirmation that he's not.
And his word just isn't good enough.
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