This post is going to be very biased. All of the things I'm going to list and talk about are probably honestly just going to be the things I want my husband to do while he's quitting, and not just things I would do.
First Steps:
- Move computer into bedroom. You've probably seen this mentioned a few times before, but here's a little more detail about it. I would move the computer (desktop) and desk into the bedroom. I would choose the bedroom because for the two of us, it's the most communal spot. Neither of us are often found in the living room or dining room, and the computers are currently in out own rooms. It worked out before for camaraderie reasons when we had them in the same room that was not the bed room, but the next point. There's a tendency to hit the web in the wee hours of the night for both of us. Not only is doing this in a solitaire environment a trigger to bad activities and as such should be avoided, but it's also missing the accountability partner factor during those hours. True that if both computers were in a common area it would be very easy to have someone there to discourage bad behaviors, it doesn't account for night time use when the other person is sleeping. At lease if I were to have the computer in the bedroom I wouldn't really feel comfortable doing the things you disapprove of.
- Delete all porn: This ones kind of a no brain-er, but it may prove to be harder than you think. This includes not only the files on the computer that are images or videos, but also the files with links, book marks, torrent things, whatever. Hidden folders and encrypted files are something to look for too. Also, those funny little memes and what not.
- Create a new email account: Why do this? Well, see some of the goals below. Some of the goals include identifying and removing all triggers, and decreasing overall internet use. If I were like you and had a significant number of porn related promotional emails, I would find it very easy to get distracted and then-eventually, possibly even-triggered to re-embrace bad habits. So, rather than wasting a lot of time, effort and energy in trying to clear out subscriptions, great filters, and delete old mail, it would simply be a heck of a lot easier to just create a new email address and be sure that important real live people knew it. I could probably even skip that and simply use our joint email address for a while.
- Forward emails from only the most important addresses/people to the new account. This includes creating a filter to forward mail from family and friends. If they aren't already in your address book, chances are they don't have your email, so that should help make things easier.
- Also, update only the most important accounts to have the new address. The most important accounts would include and billing companies or utilities, banks or investments. Maybe loyalty programs - depending on who their for.
- Share all of the passwords to every email address with you. This has a couple of reasons behind it. First, I would want to show you trust, and hope that this allows you to feel more like you can trust me too. Second, those email addresses should be checked from time to time for important mail. Third, it would be good to have another person weed through the crap, and start creating filters so that the unwanted triggers don't get through.
- Use a dumb phone: So, it's no secret that smart phones are a very easy and convenient way to be connected to the internet. It's that very same connection that also makes it so easy to be tempted to relapse. The way I see it, it's better safe than sorry. Besides, what were the reasons to get a smart phone to begin with? Be able to check email as it comes it, quick access to information, and the ability to waste time in an efficient manner.
- Since I would be pairing down to only one email address, this really shouldn't be a problem if I'm working toward my goals.
- What kind of information would I need quick access to that I can't just use a computer to get. Yeah, so what if it sucks not being able to look up the name of that song that's been stuck in your head for the last 30 minutes? Or directions to that store you wanted to visit. None of these things are things that can't be remedied by either writing it down as a note to myself, or by planning ahead. In fact, a day planner would make an excellent substitution, and would also help to make better use of time (perhaps).
- Waste time efficiently. Seriously? So what if I like to peruse Facebook or Pinterest when I don't feel like doing anything else... That's the sort of thing that is anything but conducive to kicking an internet related addiction.
Goals:
- Decrease overall internet use: With internet related addictions and the hope of quitting them, comes the need to reduce internet use over all. A lot of the time spent wandering around aimless on the internet mostly often leads to switching over to porn. Not only that, but the act of constantly searching and clicking in order to get new content is very similar to the things that made porn so addicting to begin with. Decreasing over all internet use does a few things:
- Removes the temptation from aimlessly click from one random thing over to aimlessly click to porn.
- A little more than half of my time spent on the internet is spent doing things that are in no way shape or form productive.
- Frees up time to do things I've been wanting to do but just haven't have the time.
- Track internet usage when used: I suggest/ it is a goal to track actual usage for a couple of reasons (listed below). I also think that having a printed spread sheet to track with and a timer or interval timer would be useful in meeting this goal. Also, if mobile devices are out of the question, having a camera set up to record while I use the internet might also make tracking actual use easier. Knowing that I should turn on a camera each time I begin the use of the internet is one of those things that could serve as a deterrent. If I know I have an eye watching me, I wouldn't be so easy for me to casually click over for just a minute, or if I consciously decided not to turn on the camera because I knew I had intentions, it could serve as an ethical reminder.
- To see how much time I actually spend on the computer/internet
- Te see how my time is used on it. How much time is spent reading through emails, how much time is spent watching you tube videos, how much time is spent wandering aimlessly, how much time is spend reaching some sort of objective, etc.
- I think it would be very surprising to learn how much of my life I actually spend on this sort of things, and how much of it is actually wasted.
- Identify and remove all triggers:
- I've mentioned a few times how different things can be triggers for bad habits. Some of them are as obvious as a porn related promotional email, and as un-obvious as the headphones used to keep the sound to myself. The hardest part about this goal is critically thinking about my actions and how they make me feel, as well as critically about how I'm feeling and why whenever urges or temptation or even simply just whims strike.
- Have productive activities to to: One of the things that people trying to quit an addiction find the most valuable is having some productive or fun activities to do. A big part of this is because it serves as a distraction from the things that otherwise is usually at the for front of their minds. Another plus if the activity is productive is that I would get a good feeling out of it. If I were to keep it up, the reward circuit for whatever caused that good feeling just might become stronger than the porn one. As an even bigger plus, exercise gives a pretty high level of dopamine so it's an excellent way to feed the reward circuit and it has so many other benefits (better sleep, better memory, lowers stress, reduces anxiety, better heath overall, etc).
- Have a schedule and stick to it: Aside from... basically everything listed above, having a schedule is really good for becoming more productive and effective people in general. Part of he hardest part about doing any of the above is making oneself just do it. It's really easy to say, "I'm just going to spend 15 more minutes doing this, then I'll move on to my jog," and then never getting around to that job.
- When I was going to the gym everyday, I was able to do it because I made a schedule for the first part of my day and stuck to it. I told myself every morning before I went to the gym, "you have to do this. No excuses." And believe it or not, it worked. I stopped going when I stopped telling myself I had to. Every day in a row I told myself I had to, the easier it was the next day to do it again. And when I slipped up and said, "I don't really have to today," was when it became easier and easier everyday to keep saying the same thing.
- Plan things down to the closest 10 minutes, and don't allow for wiggle room, or allow for excuses when it appears deadlines won't be met. Also, make ultimatums to meet when the schedule is broken. How are you going to make up for this slip. This ultimatum tactic isn't meant to be a fall back, but a punishment. (*For my husband: Think about this when the end of the work day comes. You know you are supposed to leave work at a certain time. You always plan to be places 15 minutes before you need to be there. View home (or wherever you plan to go straight after work) as just another appointment that you have to be early for. I think this is where a major part of your problem comes into play. You don't make your home/family time as much of a priority to get to as everything else, it's flexible to you.)
- Include blocks of time for prepping and travel. If I say I want to be at the gym at 3:00, then I need to plan 20 minutes of prepping (getting dressed, packing gym back, making sure I have water and headphones etc) and 10 minutes for travel (driving, parking, and checking in). If I know I'm likely to run into people who want to chit chat when I get their or before I leave, allot time for it.
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