The hardest test you will ever face.

I made a reply to a woman going through a reboot with he husband. She talked about their trials so far and the failures she's endured/discovered. Then she went on to mention that her husband is currently in a period which "he's lost his libido and wants us to take our time", though he does masturbate from time to time without material. She does acknowledge that she isn't quite sure if she's willing to believe that it's another relapse.

There were only a few comments since the site isn't all that active. (Which makes me almost regret reminding my husband that it exist. I don't want him to know all of the things I say because I don't want him to feel gossiped about or judged. That's probably going to be another post). One of the comments was from a woman in a very similar situation, though I feel like her advice is completely insane‒again, probably another post. Another woman who replied was pretty much all about support and encouragement‒kudos to her. The last reply before I got around to it was from a man's perspective and really just about acknowledging her pain. Sometimes that's important‒having feelings acknowledged.

I decided to reply because the story seemed familiar to me. There was stuff included that I didn't experience, but the over all point was there‒her husband was becoming withdrawn and she didn't really know what to think about it. I noticed that none of the people who replied before I did ever mentioned his withdrawal as being a normal part of kicking a porn addiction and frankly I was a little appalled. This forum was supposed to be a place for people to seek answers, reassurances and support. While two of the three replies provided support, none of them sought to provide answers (expect to the lunatic) or any type of reassurance.

In my reply, I made a point to let her know that how he's behaving‒emotionally withdrawn‒is a very common rock in the reboot road. It's a shitty rock, but a common rock nonetheless. In stead of going into a lot of detail, I'm first going to copy and paste the reply I made.

I want to mention something that I didn't see as I scanned through the replies. This isn't to say it wasn't mentioned, but that I didn't see it since I only scanned.

I don't know a whole lot about the process of rebooting from a man's perspective. I only know what I read, and since I'm new to all of this, it's really not as much as I'd like. BUT there is such a thing as flat-lining, and it's entirely possible that your husband isn't up to his old ways, or even finding new ways to get the same old kick. It's possible that this is a very normal and fairly common thing that has happened to many men throughout their journey. You can surely read many post about it.

Flat lining is essentially a period of time during a reboot in which the rebooter experiences an extreme drop in libido. These things can happen for days or weeks, and can happen more than once during a reboot.

Personally, I think this is the hardest thing for a partner to endure as you can never fully know what's going on with your spouse, and there is always room for doubt to creep in. And that doubt may end up being the thing that causes a relapse. I don't honestly know if I've experienced a flat line with my own spouse, as this is the first time we've acknowledged porn addiction, and are aware of all of the rocks along the road to kicking it. I do know that he's tried to stop watching porn for me on several occasions before hand, and the feeling of guilt when I look back at the moments of extreme loss of sexual activity. I remember it being so hard on me, and because I didn't know what he was going through I badgered him so much about it. I feel guilt because I honestly think that he was going through a flat line and instead of being there for him and accepting that he really did not feel like having sex, I made him feel bad which caused him to try to figure out what would get him going again (aka start using porn to make sure his penis was still working and that he could still get turned on).

I'm not saying this to scare you, or to make you feel bad for worrying. I'm only saying this because I think it's important that you know that this is a possibility. If this is what he's experiencing that's frankly it's a good thing. It means that he really is sticking to his reboot. It also means that he needs your love and support more than ever. He needs you to understand that he's trying and it's not easy for him. He's kicking an addiction. Talk with him. Be open, and honest. Be his safe haven. The more you understand about what he's going through, the more you will learn to trust him. The more he knows you understand and trust him, the more he feels supported.

It's very clear that you love your husband, so I have no doubt that you want nothing more than his success, his health, and his happiness. I sincerely hope that this was nothing more than an episode of flat-lining for him and that he was able to pull through with out relapse. Over and over again, what I see as advice from the men going through this experience is a real emphasis on getting educated. Learning about the process of rebooting and the obstacles there will be is probably you guy's best weapon. After all, you never want to take a test without studying first right? Kicking a porn addiction will probably be one of the hardest test you will ever experience.

It was the last thing that I wrote that inspired the title to this post, and I really feel it captures the point I was trying to make beautifully. Sure I may have channeled a little of K Kortez in referencing test, but when it's spot on, it's spot on.

I know that Gabe made some pretty good videos about some of the rockier points of rebooting, but I think that I might just have to make a post about them from a spouse's point of view.