Out of town again.

So this is the first time my husband has been out of town since the last time-which is when he got a pretty surprising email from me demanding he pack up and get out. Him being out of town really isn't the big point of this post though; it's what I've done since he's left. I checked his computer. I haven't done this since the last time he was out of town, and not doing so was primarily because I've simply had much more important things to do, and not a whole lot of time to do them. It's not because I haven't wanted to check. Believe me, I have.

Some of the things I've been doing these last couple of weeks are  mostly the same old story, but there has also been a few additions. One addition from the very start was a big fund raiser dinner I was in charge of decorations for-then, of coarse, I also had to attend. Then there was the Thanksgiving Holiday weekend. And the Harry Potter Marathon during said Holiday weekend. It was so all encompassing that we even forgot/ran out of time to go cut down our Christmas tree. Aside from those not-so-everyday occasions there's also the fact that hubby and I have been spending a lot more time together.

I'm not entirely sure why we are spending so much more time together than before that fateful trip out of town. It could be that he's been trying to make things up to me, or it could be that he's trying to make a point to change in general. It could also be because we are sleeping in the same room again, so we are falling back into our old ways.

I'm not entirely sure. However, I do think there is a lot of regressing going on. We, or at very least I, have tried and worked so hard at becoming less dependent on the reassurance of each other's company during our separation period. We weren't doing fabulous by any means, but we were making some major strides. I feel like the progress has completely gone out the window now. Oh well for now I guess. You can't change the past, so the time has already squandered. At least I have been super productive while he's been away (for the 24 hours he's been gone so far). I was really productive the last time he was out of town too.

This is actually quite uncommon for me. He used to go out of town so much, it averaged out to about half the year. While he was gone I pretty much spent my days doing the same shit I did when he was "home". Home is in quotes because in those days just because he was in town and sleeping in our house didn't mean he spent a reasonably about of time at home. His average work week was 60 hours. There's only 168 in a week, and approximately 56 of them was spent asleep, and another 12-15 was spent getting ready for work/commuting. That really only left 40 hours a week. While that might sound like a lot, he was also a student, trying to work on the cars, and addicted to porn.

Anyways, on to going on his computer. I know it was probably kind of shocking so see that I've wanted to up there. Let me clarify though. I've been wanted to double check some of the dates I have stuck in my head for "the last time" stuff. I feel like I remember, but don't feel very confident about it. I wanted to go back and confirm the day. However... When I looked today, it was all gone. Completely. There was absolutely no way for me to confirm the dates I have in my head. This kind of sucks for me since I'm a stickler for details. I was super surprised at first, but then after I got over that mild shock, I was very pleased and very proud of him.

I was pleased because it's something he did without me asking it of him. I've been having a hard time battling it out with my instincts to do, say, or ask him to do certain things in regards to kicking porn addiction and what I feel about even having those instincts. On the one hand, I can't help but want to plan out a 12 step program for him, and be watching over his shoulder to be sure he's following all 12 steps (so to speak). And on the other hand, it's those same types of actions I've been working very hard at lately to squash.

One of the things I've been getting from therapy is that I'm a very controlling person. I'm not sure if that's the exact right words to use... or if I just don't like those words, but the point is the same. And while this isn't something that's news to me , the minute details of how I can be controlling are. Take helping" people for example: I might usually say, "I really want to help you meet your goals," but it's usually followed up with, "I expect these things from you if I do." The things I tend to expect from people are simply that they will do their part in ensuring my help doesn't go to waste. This may be that if they ask for advice on how best to study for a class and I give them times, I would expect they actually use those tips. And that's not how people actually operate. Using that same example, that person may have been asking for advice because they were trying to explore options that might work best for them. Just because I feel like my advice is the definite solution, doesn't mean it's something they feel they are capable of or willing to do. My not-so-current view on helping people isn't really what helping is about. In reality me helping in that sense is just me trying to tell people what to do and have incentive for them to do it. 

So yeah. I didn't want to tell my husband to be sure to delete all of the porn off of his computer, even though that's exactly what I wanted him to do. I didn't want to tell him that because it would have only been for one of two reasons: 1) because I want him to do what I want him to do; or 2) because by me telling him to delete the porn is really me thinking I'm being helpful by providing him with instruction for kicking porn addiction.

For the second point: while it's perfectly reasonably to say, "well yeah, that should be something he should do if he wants to quit porn," everybody's got their own path or process. I'm not my husband and-even though I want to think I know him well enough-I simply don't really know what he needs to do to be successful in this. I think that he's the only one who knows... or is the only one able to figure it out. Everything else-me, friends, psychologist, the internet-are simply tools for him to use while trying to do so. Even a psychologist who specialized in porn addiction would only be able to guide him to resources, tools, or techniques. The ability of those things to work is entirely dependent on: 1, if he chooses to use then, 2, if and how he perceives them to be useful, and 3, if he has the will to keep it up.

All that aside, I was also very proud of him because it's something he did all on his own. I didn't have to cry, beg, plead... I didn't even have to say a single word. He just did it. I wish I knew when if only because-again-I'm a stickler for details and want to catalog every single memory and step on the way to recovery.

The thought that keeps coming to mind when I think about the fact that he did this is when I begged him to delete everything and he straight up told me he didn't want to and didn't feel like he should have to. The only reason he eventually did was because I basically told him it was deleting the porn or my sanity. In a way I hate him for even having to consider one over the other at the time. I felt like it should have been a no-brainer, and I resent the pain I felt over it all. These actions in no way make up for that pain, but it is a major paving stone in the path to healing for me. Him deleting everything without being told or asked to do so really tells me that he's making a choice here.