Why we had a mock separation.

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I don't remember if I've ever posted about the "separation" that my husband and I did. It lasted about two months and the reasons why we did it were many. The biggest reason is because I was constantly going back and forth about if I wanted to get a divorce or not. Porn wasn't the biggest issue at the time. At the time an overall lack of sex and intimacy was. I just saw porn as my biggest competition in the battle for intimacy with my own husband. My husband would have rather watched porn and masturbated than have sex with me. To make matters worse, at one point he told me he didn't want to have sex me because he wasn't sexually attracted to me. I felt like I could never compete with the women he watched in porn. And I felt that by him watching it, he only fed the attraction to attributes I didn't have nor would ever posses. Him continuing to do that would never give him a chance to even try to become attracted to me (again, maybe?).

Either way, I was tired of asking him to stop, and yet still finding it on his computer or phone. Even though I wanted it all to stop, I felt like there really wasn't anything more I could do to make it. At that point I really had a "coming to Jesus" moment with myself and decided that I needed to figure out if I was strong enough to stay in spite of the porn, or strong enough to leave because he chose it over me. 

I was scared though. I had tried to leave several times before and it never took. I may or may not have made a post about that too. I don't really remember. It doesn't really matter though. The reasons why I could never bring myself to leave we no longer an obstacle. I started to work on a plan to move out. I didn't want me moving out to be the end of us though. I honestly just wasn't quite ready for that our relationship to be completely over yet. What I did want to get out of moving out was for me to be able to work on my issues, and for him to be able to work on his. 

Some of my issues were that I was entirely too dependent on his presence. The goal for me personally was to become more self sufficient. I noticed that I'd also grown to become majorly dependent on him in order to get anything done. Clean the kitchen? He had to be there or at least him be the one to finish the job I started. Getting school work done? I needed to be able to converse with him about what I was working on before I felt comfortable submitting it. Cleaning the room? I only did it when he needed something out of it.

At the same time, I also really wanted him to work on himself in a lot of ways. While I hoped porn would be one of the things he knocked out, I didn't plan to hold my breath. I was tired of hearing him talk about all of the same problems over and over again. He can never get a good night's sleep, he has a huge list of things he wants to get done but never seems to make the time to do them, he wants to start getting more physically fit but won't drag his ass to the street for a jog. I'm not the one in control of him, but whenever he complains about wanting to meet a goal, I always feel like I should do something to help. In reality, he's the only one who can make himself do things. Speaking of which, I was also tired of him blaming me for him being so messy. 

When we finally did do a separation it ended up being more of a mock one. I ended up moving down stairs to the "den" and he stayed upstairs. We were supposed to treat it like we were room mates. Like I was renting a room from a stranger and that he was renting a room out to a stranger. Things never really went as planned though. We still spent communal time together without all of the "hey roomie," or, "you wanna come over," stuff we (I) originally planned on-though it did happen sometimes. 

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One of the biggest things I learned through our mock separation was that I kept my room pretty damn clean and organized. I realized this when he "spent the weekend at my place," the Monday following I would notice that I left clothes on my floor and trash on my desk along with a few other messy habits. I was so disappointed in myself. 

I also saw that in the almost two months time, he made little head way in the organizing his life department even though he made a lot of big plans. To his credit though, the biggest thing he did to improve this was to buy a shelf right before he went out of town for work. It was that same trip out of town that I had sent the email demanding he pack his things and get out. So, he never really had the chance to put his shelf together and start the clean up process with a place to put things. Against his credit though is that I got that shelf up and that room pretty damn spotless while he was gone in just one night. AND I also got rid of a shit ton of crap he had been meaning to go through and get rid of shit from. 

Anyways. The biggest point was to work on our codependency issues and for us to work on becoming autonomous individuals. We were supposed to work toward being self sufficient on our own and to be able to do things and make decisions without seeking the other out for permission. I personally feel like I made a lot of head way. This may have been because I was preparing myself mentally for such a long time for being on my own that I sort of aspired for it. It might also be because I knew in the back of my mind that there was a very real possibility that we weren't going to get better and we were going to end up having to go our own ways. I can't say so sure though. I can only say what makes the most logical sense at the moment.

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We are currently no longer in separation mode. While he was gone the week that I put the shelf together I went on a crazy shopping spree. I bought a new bed in the Queen Sized proportions, and since then we've pretty much spent every night together. We've also spent pretty much every day together too, and I don't entirely know how I feel about that. I'm not sure if this is happening because of the, "this is your last chance. It's porn or me" thing, or if it's because he thinks we are done with the "working on being self sufficient individuals" thing since we are sleeping together again. It really could be a good amount of both. It's also possible that the Thanksgiving Holiday that just passed has contributed.

I don't really know, all I know is that I still really aspire to work on the things I had started to work on during our separation period. If things don't start to shape back up to being conducive to working on myself (and hopefully himself too), than I just might have to lay down the law and say I'm moving back downstairs for a period.

I don't think this will be a complete surprise either. I've brought up the fact that we've been regressing at least four times since he's been back. Almost 3 weeks now. I don't really know what else to do or say that will really drive my point home though. It seems like every time I start to talk about the subject it gets pushed aside.