My husband and I made a point to have sex on Sunday, so we could be sure to get one in before he left on Monday. He had a cold sore so there wasn't any room for kissing and what not though, and it made foreplay very difficult. I was also having vaginal issues due to either having just ovulated or getting ready to-I'm not sure which as this rarely happens. Instead of having a really nice build up of foreplay, simply passion filled kisses, or opting to skip it until he got back, we went with the "lathering me down with lube" option. I had tried to go down on him because that always works to get me going, but when I put his erect penis in my mouth is went soft-pretty quickly.
There's a lot about the above paragraph I could analyze, but instead I'm going to get into a few other points. On Saturday (I think it was Saturday night) he told me that he wanted to be sure to give me some sexing on Sunday. I wasn't trying to complain, but I did ask him why that was. He said it was partly because if he didn't I would have to go more than a week without, and partly because he's trying to keep our average sex/week ratio up higher (than what was the norm before the talk).
That first part I could completely understand and-in my head-be OK with. But that second part... It's harder for me to be OK with. I think it's harder because it feels like he's making it a chore. "This is something I have to do." It's kind of like how he used to give me maintenance sex about once a week because I practically, and sometimes actually had to beg for it. The only difference is that he's making the decision to do it before I ask for it, and making the decision to do it more often-probably because he thinks it's about the frequency I would be asking for it.
A note on that very last line: "he thinks it's about the frequency I would be asking for it." This is only true-the frequency of asking being what it is-because I would always ask for it regularly in hopes that the next time I asked would be the time that was successful. If I didn't have to worry that I'd be shot down 10 times before getting some, I wouldn't ask every single day just to maybe get some on the weekend. If I knew the likelihood of having sex when I asked for it was at least a ratio of half the time or so, I would honestly only ask once or twice a week. Or even only when I actually wanted it. This is something that pisses me off about him: he assumes I want to have sex way more often than I really do because I have a history of asking for it so often. He doesn't own up to the fact that I have had to ask for it so often because he would almost always shoot me down.
Anyways... Another thing I want to make note about is that after we got done-it was sort of a strange ending-I asked if he's able to simply make himself come. The strange ending was that I came, but sort of more milder one than normal and he couldn't tell. I had to tell him. Then just a moment after I told him he magically started coming. This is so fucking confusing to me in so many ways. My first thought was that he made himself come.
First off, this last point in combination with the fact that it already started to seem like he was giving me preemptive maintenance sex makes me feel like he only ejaculated because he felt he had to in order to prove some kind of point or to achieve some kind of goal and not because of the pleasure of it all. Secondly, it really makes me second guess all of the other times he's ejaculated without obviously being driven to it by pleasure. Being driven to come or not having control over the urge is something we sort of discussed. He tried to explain that he really doesn't like feeling like he can't control when he comes. I guess I sort of get it, but really I don't. That seems like it would be the best way to come-when it's so good you can't help it. Not liking not being able to control the urge makes me think of something my psychologist said. He said that addiction generally/usually stems from the need for feeling in control.
I don't know. This is so new to me and it took me by surprise. I just don't know what to think or how to feel when I think about his response to be asking if can just make himself come. And worst of all, when he could clearly see that I was bothered by this he was so earnest in trying to set my mind at ease and make me understand-or at least not feel any sort of bad emotion. The expression on his face and the pleading in voice for me to... understand? not be hurt, upset, or angry? He was so sincere; so genuine. I just wish I could really understand the emotions I was, and still am, feeling. I wish I could really understand these emotions so that I could share them with him. Maybe if he understood what bothered or concerned me so much he would be better equip to achieve his goal. Setting my mind at ease, or putting my worries to rest, or whatever it was that was his goal.
I think I felt mostly like this time was maintenance sex. Sex that we only had because he felt the need to fulfill a want that I had even though he didn't really feel like it. This wouldn't be a problem if we didn't have the history that we have. But because of that history, maintenance sex feels more like an act of "fine. I'll do it even though I don't want it. I'm doing it because it's better than the alternative-you being mad or resentful" than an act of "I'm doing this because you want it and because I love you enough to do it even though I don't want it."
I guess getting that last bit out really helps to clarify things for myself a little more. I need to know why he chose to have sex that night. What was the motivation for him? Was it because he was trying to prevent regression in me? Regression back to feeling like a starving child-never knowing when their next meal would come, or how long they'll have to go hungry for afterwards? Was it because he was punishing himself? Did he feel like, "I've caused these problems and now I have to fix them. This is one of the things I have to do in order to fix it"? Did he have sex with me out of fear that if he didn't he could have some sort of relapse with his "reboot"? Or could it have been because he thought it would make me happy?
That last one would almost be acceptable. It's so much closer to "I'm doing this because you want it and because I love you enough to do it even though I don't want it." Again, if we didn't have the history we have it would be completely acceptable... but because of the history... it's hard for me.
What I want is for him to have sex with me because he desires to do so for the sake of doing so, expressing love, or wanting to share a connection so intimate; not because he wants to do so for any of the reasons listed above. And I can't say that I would honestly believe him if he told me he had sex with me out of pure desire. For one, it was planned. It was a goal he's laid out the day before. "I want to be sure to have sex before I go because..." time. And for another, I feel like if I were to ask him out right, "did you have sex with me because you wanted to, or because you felt you needed to or that you should for some reason?" his response would only be "because he wanted to" because he thinks, nay-knows, that's what I want to hear.
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I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it a few times already, both in this post and in previous ones, but he's out of town again this week. Him being out of town kind of makes me feel like there's a halt in progress. It's hard to feel like he could possibly be making any kind of productive leeway in his "reboot" when he's out there; working. But then again, time is one of the biggest keys to success here, and is really the only real measurement of progress for this process. Also, distractions away from old triggers is big help in easing the process. So, in a way, the more time he spends on travel, the better things are. Right?
My mind flashed back to all of the times he used to be on travel with his last job, and the fact that that never stopped him then. I was going to say what's to stop him now, but actually there's a few things. For one thing, he doesn't have a smart phone which was a major source for material. He doesn't have the tablet either. With those two things out of the picture, the only resource for internet browsing he has is his work laptop. I don't really see him risking it.
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What else is new this past week? Well, the week started with "Black Friday" and we spent it continuing our Harry Potter marathon. He actually had to work on Friday, so that took up a big chunk of time. Saturday started off very early since it was another sleepless night. We began the morning with movie number five in the series, and finished it all off. After that he went to tutor someone, and I finally got started on productive things. I ended up not being that productive since he got home much earlier than I had anticipated. We spent the rest of the night cooking and eating and then going to bed early.
Sunday was a lazy day. We cleaned a little and we also cooked ramen. We were going to go for Thai food but everywhere was closed. Since we didn't get a move on until sometime around 1, and driving around from closed place to closed place until finally hitting up the grocery store took quite a while we didn't actually get home until about 3. By then we started cooking and cleaning, then ate. It took a lot longer than normal this time around because we tried a few new things out. Then we went upstairs, he shaved and showered, and then we did it. That was it... The rest of week three he was out of town.
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