It was almost wet... Dreams.

I remember my husband mentioning that he almost had a wet dream recently. I also remember him talking about it on more than one occasion though I can't honestly say that I remembered the second time very clearly. For some reason I feel like he talked about it while there were other people around, but I really don't think that was the case. I feel like he talked about it with other people around because I vaguely remember there being another person's reaction to it. It's more likely that either I had a dream about him talking about it with people around, he brought it up during the visit to the psychologist that he went with me to, or that when he was telling me about it the second time around he did so in a manner that was as though he was having a conversation with himself. I don't think that last one was the case though, because I really do remember someone having a somewhat confused reaction that caused him to explain himself further.

Anyways. The point is that he told me that he "almost" had a wet dream recently. I really wish that I didn't go so long between writing down blog post ideas. I should have written this down for my own records if anything. I remember when we first talked about him quitting porn, I had mentioned that I thought it was a good idea for him to keep a journal of the things he experiences along the way. Personally, I wanted him to keep an old fashioned paper and pen(cil) journal because it is something he can take with him wherever he goes and write whenever he finds/makes the time. But I also encouraged him to check out some of the forum sites where people often keep records of their day to day or week to week experiences.

I'm not exactly sure the reason why I decided to make this post. It's late and I've been jumping back and forth between a lot of things. I will probably not even publish this post at the time of writing it. Oh well...

I think the big reason why I've started this post is because I decided to look at a few of the journals of people in our age group. One journal in particular had a post from a guy who started off apologizing for not posting for so long. He cited all of his other FAPing activities as reasons why. (F=fun, A=active, P=productive). Some of the activities include a lot of going to the gym, loosing himself in art, and going out and doing things like concerts.

Being more physically fit and working on music are two of the things my hubby wanted to do more of, but really hasn't. I sort of feel like I'm to blame for this, and there will definitely be another post about that. Another thing that the guy went on to mention in his recap of the time between this and his last post was that he went a period of time in which he was having pretty regular wet dream. That's it! This journal is the reason I decided to make a post. It reminded me about my hubby's story.

On to the important part shall we?
One of the things I recall being a pretty big/common rock in the road to porn addiction recovery was having wet dreams. They are nothing bad, or anything to be ashamed of. It's probably not even accurate to call it a rock. Perhaps a pebble would be a more apt term. Yeah, a pebble. It's in the road, and isn't going to stop your progress, but is something you'll notice as you make the journey.

So why did I decide to make this post? Well... to simply document it really. I want to make note that it's something that happened during week two of his reboot. It's very likely that it's actually been three weeks since he last PMO'd (a new term I just learned. It stands for Porn/Masturbation/Orgasm and basically means when a person ejaculates due to masturbating while watching porn). I suspect three weeks because I have no way of really knowing when he last PMO'd, but I do know when he last saved a porn file to his computer. And let's face it, if he was up for hours looking at porn, then he more than likely masturbated while doing so. It's also likely that it was just at the one week mark if my suspicions about him talking about it to my shrink is correct. I'm going to have to talk to him about it.

So why almost? Well, that's what he told me. He said that he was having a dream that had nothing to do with porn or sex, I think it had to do with computers, and he started to feel... "funny". He said that in his dream he was conscious enough to recognize that something didn't feel right and woke up. He said he recognized the feeling, and then went to pee to rid himself of it.

Now, to further pin point when this could have happened, I know it was after we got the bed, and on a night that I slept in my room and he slept in ours. So... We got the bed on Wednesday of week 1 (Nov 19th), and I slept in my room... I think I didn't sleep in my room until a while after. I think this because I know we slept together the first night we got it, and also the following night. I wasn't going to at first since we both slept so poorly, but he said that he didn't have work the next day so it would be OK. I think the first time since getting the bed that I slept in my own room was Sunday night because he did have to work the next day.

If it is that the almost wet dream occurred on a night that I slept in my own room is correct, and I'm correct in thinking that it didn't happen for the first time until Sunday night, then the possibility of him telling my shrink about it is zero because I hadn't seen him since the day after we got the bed. Man. This not remembering shit sucks. I used to be so good at recalling all of the small details like this so easily and clearly. I can't believe this is happening to me.

So... In the beginning of this post I concluded that one of three things had to have happened when my husband told me about his almost wet dream the second time. I said that I don't think the last thing I listed could have happened because I remembered someone having a reaction to him telling the story. But I also know that it couldn't have been that he told my shrink about it since the days and actions don't match up. So either he did talk about it with other people present‒unlikely‒, I dreamed it all up‒pretty likely‒, or the thing I ruled out right away was indeed the case, and I was the person who had a funny reaction‒also pretty likely.

I guess it doesn't really matter who was around when he told me or if anyone was though. What really matters is that he told me about it.

Now, what does him telling me about it really mean is the next question? I remember him telling me that he hated wet dreams because it meant waking up to a sticky mess, and then either having to change the sheets or sleep in it. I'm not really sure why I mentioned that except for the fact almost seems kind of... unreal. I don't want to think that he made it up though. What would be the point in that? That we had a conversation about them before hand, and he know's it's one of the S/S of a reboot? That he might have made up the story to lead me to believe he's going along with the reboot without failure so far and that having a wet dream is a sign so that I can believe him. That he actually masturbated that night that I wasn't upstairs for, and he knew he was low on the semen but wanted to have a plausible explanation in case it made me suspicious?

These are the issues of trust that a partner to someone who is rebooting has to face. It's not pleasant. In fact, I kind of feel like shit for letting those thoughts cross my mind. Do I believe he would make this all up and lie to me? No. I don't want to anyways. Do I believe he's capable of doing it? Unfortunately, yes.

So what am I left to do? Well, encourage him to keep a journal for one thing. And hope he would be willing to share it with me. Take the power cord to his computer when I'm not home or awake? While it may be a good solution for the time being, how does this encourage the building of trust? I don't really think it does. I don't really know. It's one of those things that I keep meaning to talk with him about, but don't really know how. I need some forms of reassurance. I can't deny that. But at the same time, I don't need him thinking that I simply just don't trust him. That's not the case. I'm just so worried that the addiction will pull through, and he just won't be able to say, "I'm shouldn't do this" and not.

Reading material

I talked to hubby about... well I asked him if he's been looking into some websites for groups, forums, or anything else that may help him in the way of support for this long road we're going to be on. He's mentioned that he hasn't really made a point to, and‒I can't lie‒I was a little disappointed. However, he did mention that he did take the time to read through some of the websites that I had loaded in his browser the first time he turned on his computer since "the big convo". He said that even though he found them interesting, he didn't really find them useful. He said that most of the things he saw was about people who were currently going through the struggle, and that it kind of all seemed like the same old story over and over again.

This made me thing of a few things, and I thought of them all pretty much concurrently, so even though I might list one thing before another, it doesn't necessarily mean that it was the first thing that popped into my head. These are the things I thought about, and most of which we'd talked about in the same conversation.

One of the things I thought of, and told him, was that right now he's not finding things hard. It hadn't even been two weeks (at the time) and so it all probably kind of seems ridiculous to him. This next part I didn't say even though I was thinking it at the time: I don't think he really believes he has a porn addiction. I think that he was willing to accept porn addiction as a possibility because it seemed like the best reason as to why he continued to watch porn even after I'd repeatedly asked/begged him to stop. I think that our marriage does honestly mean enough to him to try giving it up, and that was the real reason he considered porn addiction as a possibility. It meant that it would give him one more chance to try to make things work with us.

Anyways, I went on to say that over time, when things start to get hard‒if they ever do‒these are probably going to be the things that will help him. By these things, I mean these forums and what not of people struggling and their current stories. I told him the following thoughts: I think that the post about current struggles are prevalent because when people are going through he hardest times, it's helpful for them to know that they are not the only ones going through a hard time. Also, that when someone is going through a challenge like this, they are going to have a lot of new experiences and are not really going to know what those experience mean, if they're normal, or what to expect afterwards.

This brought me to compare and contrast different kinds of addictions and the processes through which people go in order to kick them. This is something I had been contemplating a lot, and meaning to write a post about. I still might. Anyways, the major point of comparing different kinds of addiction was mainly to point out the different levels of understanding of those addictions, the different levels of support for people battling with them, and the different levels of social acceptance for the substance being addicted to. There's AA for alcoholics and rehab for druggies, but the only thing people with porn addiction have are these forums and other websites.

We also talked about the fact that he wasn't seeing a lot of, "it's been two years, here's how things are going for me" kind of stories. I told him first off that it's probably do in part to the fact that he didn't do a whole lot of looking. All of the things I'd seen in my first day of surfing the web included many examples of people who had already kicked porn and were singing praise to the changes in their lives.

I remember very clearly when I had him watch those first 5 videos, one of the first things he said was that he thinks some of the people were being a little... Well, I don't really know the best way to explain it, but that it seemed like they were basically blaming all of the bad attributes in their life of their porn addiction and that they acted like it was a magic cure all. I'm not saying that it didn't seem that way to me too, but then again, I also really love psychology and am able to empathize with their feelings and sort of even understand where those feelings come from. Probably another post.

Either way, that's not the point. The point is that I've seen plenty of examples of "my successes/life after kicking porn" stories and I know that he has too because he watched those same 5 videos, Anyways, I didn't mention that, but I did mention that there are some forums sites out there like RebootNation.org that have a forums section specifically dedicated to success stories. He took that into consideration and made it sound like it was something he would look into. I don't think he'll be looking into it anytime soon though. He's got a lot of things on his list of stuff he wants to do, and I want to encourage him to keep busy with those productive things. 

Something I didn't think about until now but wanted to mention is that Porn Addiction is a relatively new thing. Well, not the actually addiction to porn per se, but the movement to make it a known thing, and something people talk about and share (pseudo)openly. 

Another subject that I broached thanks to the part of our conversation about other forms of addiction was something that I saw mention of in one of Gabe's videos. He mentioned that me moved his computer from his room to a public space. I say I broached this subject because even though I brought it up, I don't really feel like it was really discussed. If I'm being honest with myself I might acknowledge that my feelings may stem from the fact that he didn't agree to move his computer (yet). I say yet because this is something that is important to me and that I think will not only help him avoid temptation, but also help me to gain trust. I mean, don't get me wrong we did talk about it, and he did show more consideration to the idea, but no action was made yet. We didn't have our new bed either though, so it wasn't the best time... I don't know I feel like I'm going back and forth again. I'm making excuses for his lack of action, yet I don't like his lack of action. I understand there were reasons at the time that he didn't jump to and move his computer, but at the same time he didn't out right say he was going to either. This is one of those things you are probably going to see another post on.

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I don't really remember the other things we talked about or thoughts that floated trough my head during that conversation, so I'm going to end here. I will say that I've been known to reread my post, and if anything pops up, I will likely make a new post with that information and a link to this post, as well as edit this one to link back to it.


The overall point to this post was that I talked to him about if he had found any new reading material, and he hasn't. He had read some of the things I had open in his browser, but that was the end of that. I want him to find more reading material, because I think it will be helpful for this journey. Also because everything guys reply with in the forums I use encourages him to look more into educating himself on the subject, and I think they are right. What this post has turned into is a recap of how the conversation went and some of the thoughts I was having during the conversation. 

When the cat's away...

In my last post I talked a bit about my concern for my husbands possible relapse while I'm away in class for two days a week. I only have two weeks left in the quarter to worry about this though so that's a plus. The bad thing is, and I could list many, is that I'm worried at all. I don't think it's at all unfounded so don't mistake me. It's just that I hate that this is the case. I want to trust my husband and in many ways I do trust him. However, when someone has an addition... There's just always those nagging thoughts of, "what if", and "right now would be so easy" or "right now would normally be a time..."

I really want to set up some sort of way to monitor his actions online. While I feel guilty about wanting to do this, I also feel like I need the piece of mind. We don't have trust right now, and we need to build it. "Spying" is honestly how I feel I could best build that trust again.

That makes me think of cheaters, and how they always tell their spouses "trust goes both ways", "how can I trust you if you are always spying on me?". Maybe I'm being jaded right now, but I'm not the one who lost the trust, so I don't think I should have to be the one to work to gain or keep it.

Spying still feels wrong...

But I still have a need to feel confirmation that he's not.

And his word just isn't good enough.

Two Weeks In

I think two weeks ago from today is going the be the day that I count as Day 1. I cannot say with out a doubt what day prior to it my husband last looked at porn, but I can say that this is the day that we talked about the problem openly and he agreed to give going without porn a shot. Part of me is reluctant to say "this is Day 1" for the simple fact that on Thursday of last week he went online to all of the accounts (he could think of) that he had on porn sites and began to delete his accounts. I wasn't home, so I honestly have no way of knowing if he said, "well, one last go for old times sake" or not. The feeling of the day, when I finally got home and we talked was such that I could believe him at the time, but after everything... it's kind of hard. So... two Day 1's? I don't know.

So far though, sex has been... well, it started off strong. We've had sex a total of four times, three of those times was in a 7 day span. All in all, it's double our normal rate so it is a pretty big deal to me. It didn't feel forced either. I know I can't measure things by how often we have sex though. Overall intimacy has been much improved. When we are just interacting on a regular basis there's a lot more loving kissing and what not. I've noticed he;s more inclined to put his hands to my body even when sex isn't in the picture. It feels strange because it's so uncommon, so I can't help but to notice when these things happen. However, I'm reluctant to say anything or ask why he's doing these things because I... I'm not really sure what words to use to put down these thoughts, but I'm going to try my best here. I don't want to point out that I notice he's doing this only to make him feel awkward or want to stop.

On another important note: he broke his cell phone, and has been reduced to using his old Nokia Express Music phone. Knowing him, he's not going to dish out the money to buy a new smart phone for a while Though he did spend $75 on a repair kit. His overall use of the internet use has also decreased drastically. I don't know how much of that has to do with spending more time away from home or more time with me though.

Before all of this started, we put a lot of effort into spending as much time apart as possible, so that we could break some of our codependency issues, and be overall more productive. The first week we've spent more time together, but have also been relatively less productive. We have been sleeping in the same bed more often than not though, and it's kind of nice. We got a new bed, so it's going to take some getting used to-the bed and sleeping together that is.

A point of concern on my part was that before the second week (this current week) started, I started to think about how the week would pan out. I had completely forgotten about it being Thanksgiving week, and therefore forgot about not going to class on Thursday as well as him having off of work a few days this week. Normally, I would go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and not get home until pretty late in the evening. This time at school has traditionally allowed him some alone time at home, and has also been a prime time for him to "relax" with his friend, the internet- fairly often including porn. At first I was worried about Tuesday, then I remembered that he had to meet with the local troop at 5 and that he normally takes a nap. Though this hasn't always stopped him in the past, it has been a deterrent. After that day passed I began worrying about Thursday since there was nothing pressing to keep his attention other wise. I was honestly thinking about seeing up a camera in his room to record. It's pretty fucked up that I would think that, but I don't really feel guilty for it. Either way, it didn't matter because he ended up having Wednesday and Thursday off. Bullet dodged.

Though the way the week worked itself out turned out to be in my favor and I seemed to be worried for nothing, it doesn't change that I have the same worries for next week. I know I'm going to have the same concerns until the end of this school term because I already do. As to what I'm going to do about them... well, I guess we will just have to see.

We'll see how things go from here, but it's good to check in and see what changes are being made, and what changes are still needing to be made.

A letter to her Father (Catholic)

I recently came across this letter, and while it is one that is from a devout Catholic to her priest, I cannot discount the words she wrote or the feelings they evoked in me. Not only was she so eloquently well written, but every word captures very clearly the emotions she must have been feeling. Even though I'm not a believer in God, nor devout in any religion, I can honestly say I truly feel her pain through her words and can deeply associate with them.

Honestly, this will probably be a blog entry that I have to come back to. I just can't read it with out feel such deep sorrow and empathy. The last thing from the letter though was about how there was no support group for women in her position, and I want to tell her she is wrong. If anything, there aren't really (m)any supporrt groups for women in my position-oh ye of little faith.

Looking Back: Part 3 - The Connects I feel I Could/Should Have Made

This post is going to go a little more into detail about the signs and the begging, and how I felt I probably could have made the connections to porn addiction before the week this blog started. I'm going to reference some of the points I made under each video from the post: Learning About Porn Addiction. When I watched each of these videos, there were instances in which I had "aha"  moments. After the fact, all of these "aha moments" really seem like some obvious signs, and I feel like I either could have or should have made these connections much sooner than eight years down the line.

First things first. Shortly after we first moved in together the rate in which we would have sex dropped. Drastically. I know I'm repeating myself here, but it's just so significant. We were young, not even twenty-one, and our relationship was like that of an old married couple-with grand kids! We would have sex maybe once a week. At first we joked that it was because we were such old souls or something, but eventually it started to bother me. When I would bring it up, he came to the conclusion that we just had different sex drives and that mine was much higher than his.

Not just sex. After a little over a year of living together I began to notice (and complain) that he didn't kiss me the same way anymore. This is reference in Looking Back: Part 1.1. He wouldn't kiss me with any kind of passion, and he said it was because he felt gross after working with raw chicken all day. That was when he had his college job at a fast food chicken chain. After that his excuse was that he didn't want to kiss me because I smelled and tasted like cigarettes. But even after I eventually quit it was still the same. No passion.

Making excuses: From the beginning there was always an excuse: we're old souls, we have different sex drives... Eventually it started to become: I'm too tired, I'm too stressed. Finally it became, I'm just don't feel like it.

Finding excuses: When I finally said, "I don't believe you just don't have a sex drive if you are watching porn and masturbating." He told me, "I just don't find you sexually attractive." No considering I've always been over weight and it was never a problem when we first started having sex, I simply didn't really buy this. Don't get me wrong, this cut me to the quick and greatly effected my mental state, but I still didn't really believe this was why he didn't want to have sex versus looking at porn. After learning about PIED, I see that this is often the excuse men come up with to explain to themselves why they are unable to preform with a real person.

Not hard enough: There are numerous occasions in which he would give in and go to have sex with me, but simply couldn't get his dick hard. Sometimes he could get it hard, but couldn't keep it hard. I think this should have been a blazing sign that there was something wrong, and it was... sort of. He thought it was stress and went to the doctor's. He gave him anxiety pill after anxiety pill. Nothing worked.

Novelty: I noticed a while ago that if I offered anal sex, he would have no problem getting his dick hard, even if we had just tried several times for vanilla sex. When I first noticed, I didn't care because I was always down to try something new, and anal sex did the job for me too just fine. Eventually it did begin to bother be that I had to resort to that just to have sex with my husband. I had also noticed that if I tried wearing something "sexy", there wasn't a problem getting him going. I just couldn't repeat the sexy clothing too often because the novelty wore off. This is a point repeated over and over again in videos listed in the post: Learning About Porn Addiction. Eventually I began introducing bondage into the bedroom because it different enough to keep his attention. I liked it too, so it was OK. I think I mostly liked it because I was on a constant search for something new to try because he eventually started using, "it's kind of boring as an excuse."

Change in taste: more recently I began to notice a pretty drastic change in taste with what he searched out and watched. It wasn't just the vanilla stuff any more, or even the strange bloopers he seemed to find so interesting. He began looking at a lot more anal sex videos and eventually bondage. I thought the last part might have been him looking more into what he thought I was into. I didn't say as much, but I did inquire, and the thought never even crossed his mind. Eventually I started seeing chicks with dicks, and that shit just completely disgusted me, and drove me into a deep depression.

It's a need: I had asked, begged, pleaded, you name it for him to stop watching porn. Several times he agreed, but then he went right back again. He just get better and better at hiding it each time. I really feel like, if nothing else was a screaming sign, this should have been. I really don't believe he did these things to hurt me, and I really don't think he simply disregarded my feelings. But yet he continued. I feel like I should have seen that he felt this was a need, even if he couldn't admit it, and asked him about it.

Other things:

• He started watching porn at a very young age. He even told me stories of when he would go on masturbating binges just because he could. For example; he told me he experimented to see how many times he could ejaculate in one day. 
• Refractory period: this wasn't something that was right off the bat, and I didn't really notice it until pretty recently. But, even in the event "he seemed in the mood" or he would come quickly and feel bad and want to go again, he couldn't. He couldn't get his dick hard after ejaculating for hours. 
• Numb. Sometimes I would try to get him in the mood, and going down on him was usually a sure fire way to get him going. Sometimes though, when I would try nothing happened. This also happened while having sex some times. Even if his dick got hard, it didn't do anything for him. He would tell me he couldn't really feel anything. 
• Overall intimacy. I sort of touched on this when I talked about him not kissing me with passion, but it extends to much more than just that. I'd only started noticing this recently and I think it was one of the biggest driving forces for me. He simply wasn't intimate with me at all. He wouldn't just hold me for the sake of holding me, or touch me for the sake of touching me. The times he would, was only when we were laying down at night, and I honestly think that was more subconscious and out of habit than anything. 
• Willpower erosion: this is from that Gary Wilson TedX video, and touches upon that I said about it being a need. I don't think he had the "this is a bad idea" switch anymore. 
• No will to do other things. He often would complain about not being productive, yet he would waste hour upon hour on the internet. He would also not sleep that well, so he would get up and use the computer. Turns out, he would often go to porn in those times. 

Looking Back: Part 2 - The Begging

Through the last few post about the different signs of porn addiction and my ability to see them for what they are, I often mentioned examples of when or how it was applicable. In this post I really want to get into the details of all of the times I had asked my husband to change his ways or habits for the sake of my happiness. At the time of these examples I had no idea that sex addiction was even a thing. I just knew that I wasn't happy in how our sexual relationship was going, and that it was very important to me. I just knew that there were these factors that I felt either wrongly contributed to our problem or at the very least did not help matters at all.

When we moved back to our home town from our college town, our sex life had already been down the drain for about a year. At this point I was so depressed about it that I had started cutting myself as a cry for attention. I wanted him to understand that him not giving me love hurt me. I wanted him to see the hurt. He used to cut himself when he was depressed in high school and I hated it. I did everything I could to make my best friend happy again. It eventually worked. I figured that if I did something he was familiar with, then maybe he would really understand that I was hurting because of it. Nothing changed.

The first time we moved out of our home state, our sex life had already gone down the drain for a little over two years. I was so sick and tired of not having sex, and his excuses about why he didn't feel in the mood, that I told him I wanted him to stop masturbating. I told him that since he doesn't feel in the mood often, then there's no reason why he couldn't hold out when he did and just have sex with me.

I'm really not 100% sure about this next part, but I think this was the place that he told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me any more. But like I said, I'm just not sure. Sometimes I think he must have told me before I started to cut myself, and that it was a direct cause. Other times I feel like it was in this last place, and yet still there are times that I can swear I remember it being in the next place we lived. I sometimes think this because I seem to remember him telling me, me going into shock, and then leaving the room he was in and walking next door to our bed room. I just don't know. It was too... I was too distraught I guess.

Any whoo... When we moved to the next state we lived in there was just the same situation over and over. I had already told him that I didn't want him P&Ming for the said reasons above. Instead of stopping, he simply began to hide it and lie to me about it. I can't seem to find any traces of me emailing him or myself about it and I don't really think I was a big google drive user at the time. There's not even anything in my secret blogs about it. Perhaps it was just such a common back and forth thing that... I didn't feel it was remarkable?

In addition to the lack of sex though, the quality had started greatly dropping. This I did find records of as well as harshly remember. There were often times in which we would begin to have sex and it just wouldn't work. His dick just wouldn't stay hard. I remember feel like such a disgusting piece of shit, and thinking to myself, "if I could just loose the weight...". I had started to go to the gym on average 5 days a week for absolutely no less than an hour of working out each time. There were even times that I would go both during my break at work and after words. I lost some weight, but it was just never enough. I was never "skinny" like the stick figure Asian girls he seemed to love watching so much. No matter what I did, even starting phentermine again, I just couldn't drop more than 20 pounds.

I also remember being so desperate for affection that I would dream, literally and wakingly, and even tell him aloud that I was going to find a boy friend who could fulfill my needs if he couldn't. I don't know if he just never took me seriously, or if he just simply didn't care, because he would never tell me not to say those things. He just really didn't know how close I was so many times to just sleeping with one of the random guys who would flirty with me just to feel good about myself.

We also had to go to marriage counseling once because I had just had enough while he was out of the country. Granted the biggest contributing factor was that he didn't put in an effort to simply make me a priority in his life, it really did stem (at least I believe through seeing things in hindsight) from the very issue of porn addiction and the consequent emotional withdrawal.

Sometimes I think trying to be the cool girlfriend who was OK with him watching porn early on in our relationship is a hugely contributing factor in how it had gotten so bad. So yeah, those three years were pretty much a nightmare. I loved him and I stayed with him, but I was constantly begging him to stop P&M.

When we moved here, everything was supposed to be different though. We had such high hopes, and kept talking about how everything was going to be different. It was a brand new place, and a fresh start. We were no longer going to be moving and we could finally settle down and have a family. We were going to be better at communicating and therefore happier in our marriage. What a dream to dream...

Instead what we got was just more of the same... but worse. I began being able to handle it less and less and to confront him about it more and more. The style of his taste was beginning to morph and it all started grating on me all the more.

I made a special ringtone for him very early in our moving here. It had been only a couple of months. I got his phone to transfer it over via blue tooth, and I went to find it so I could apply it to my contact. When I tried to find it, the file browser crashed and I couldn't. The file browser crazed because his phone was so jam packed with mobile porn. Selfies of young naked girls, and animated gifs. This about fucking killed me. A lot of the selfies were obviously from the same people, and I just instantly thought that it meant that he was chatting with random girls and saving their pictures. But, I didn't really want to believe it, so later when I confronted him about it-I was calm-I asked him where he got them all. He told me he trolled 4chan. He said that he would down load pages at a time and then delete every thing but the pictures. This made a lot of sense and I had much rather have believed that over the alternative. Before I said anything to him though, I checked his computer for the first time in a long time. What I found was much more of the same stuff. Pretty shocking stuff really, that even now is too hard to even type. The excuse for the collection was exactly the same. He just batch down loaded things.

Anyways, this particularly bothered me not only because of the selfies or the disturbing things, but because they strayed so far away from what I had come to expect from him. Thin little Asian girls. When it was thin little Asian girls I knew it was what he liked and that that would never be me. I'm not Asian. But then all of a sudden it was girls of little every shape, age, and color. Sometimes even girls with penises. Heebee Jeebees.

So, I sent him a long ass three part email about it after I had already asked him to delete it and he refused. I gave him the ultimatum that if he didn't choose to delete it when he got home with me present then don't bother even talking to me when he got home. I would take that as a sign to pack my shit and go.

This was a little over a year ago. Since then, the occurrences have gone down for the most part. Or at least he had gotten way more cognoscente of hiding it. He also began to finally start using the porn that he bought, though that didn't last long because it wasn't new and novel enough. Eventually after I thought things were getting better we had decided to try to have children. This was a pretty bit try, because I had to start undergoing fertility treatments. The first month, or maybe it was the second, of fertility treatments we only had sec twice during the 10 day window in which we were supposed to have sex no less than 5 times. I was so frustrated... so I looked, and sure as shit stinks...

After two months of this (disregard if I had said one month, I just double checked), I finally had a break down. I got really drunk at the bar while he was out or town, drove home through to most winded road, that was up a hill with no side rails. I didn't want to out right kill myself because I didn't have the guts, but I was damned sure putting myself in a good position for a bad accident on purpose. When I got home I pulled out my stash of razors that I hadn't touched in well over a year and went to town.

It was bad. So bad that I was scared enough the next day when I was in my right mind to call the doctor's office, and see if there was anything he could do for depression.

Since then it's still been happening. I've been seeing a therapist pretty regularly though, and it's been helping so I haven't been crazy depressed to that point again. Only one time and it was non porn related. For each new occurrence I've noticed that I started becoming indifferent about it. Almost as though it doesn't bother me any more. It still does. It's just that I think I had started to accept that there was no amount of begging or pleading I could do to change things. I started to feel like I was the one that needed to change... and that led me to feeling like that was stupid and instead I needed to figure out if I was strong enough to leave him.

Looking Back - Part 1.3 The Signs (that don't apply)

Just as the last two post were list of various different signs I felt I could see clearly after the fact, this is also a list of signs. The different about these signs is that I don't really feel like they are applicable to me, or as in a few cases, I think they are just complete rubbish made up to sensationalize a real problem. 

1. More antisocial: only thinking of the next "buzz". My husband's always been sort of antisocial, but I really don't think it stems from porn addiction. If it does, then it was probably something that started long before we ever started dating because he always considered himself antisocial or socially awkward. I kind of think this a more on the rubbish side of things. I mean, I know porn is an addiction, but I don't think that for most guys it's the for most thing on their minds. Well, what do I know. I don't have this problem.
2. Financial patterns have changed: new credit cards or unexplained charges. You know what.... this may have to be moved up a category to the things I didn't think of. I'm not sure. He did increase spending on this for a little while, but it's not anything I didn't know about. He always told me when he ordered something. Then again, I watch the credit cards like a hawk for fraud, and anytime I see something I always ask him about it. He usually tells me he feels like I'm keeping tabs on him. Whatever though, if it means we didn't go into debt over this addiction then I do not feel the lease bit guilty. I didn't before hand anyways since keeping tabs on him had nothing to do with my actions... as far as credit cards go. And I really doubt that he opened a new one because. Well, he just doesn't like having debt, and isn't good at making payments. He probably knows I would catch it that way. I guess it's a good thing he doesn't know a lot about prepaid credit cards huh?
3. Becomes secretive, evasive, or defensive: I don't think this applies because he knows when I won't be home or awake, or can hear when I wake up. For these reasons he usually keeps his porn consumption to times in which I am almost guaranteed not to catch him. And I'm usually really good about letting him know what's going on with me, where I am and when I'll be home. Usually. He doesn't get defensive about his computer use. The only times he gets defensive is when I tell him how much I hate it and that it feels like he doesn't care. Then he always throws back at me, "just like you smoking". I would always consider that a low blow since I was addicted to cigarettes. I guess the things we don't like about each other aren't that different after all. Knowing that may help me through this process. He would get evasive when I ask him what he did during times that I KNOW he watched/jacked. 
4. Uncharacteristically demanding or rough during sex. So, call me lucky but, my husband was never this type of guy. He's simply (normally) too nice and considerate. This is why I really didn't want to believe he would continue to watch porn even though he knew it hurt me so much.
5. "Your partner is practically wed to the internet". What ever this means, I suppose it means he spends more time on the internet than on his marriage. I put this in the category of rubbish or not applying to me because, again-maybe I'm naive, when he did spend an absurd amount of time on the internet (always saying he needed "me time"), he was usually just browsing car forums looking to learn new things about the changes he was trying to make to his car. That or looking at programming stuff or doing homework. I mean yes, he also looked at porn when he thought I was asleep or out of the house, but that wasn't the only thing he was doing on the computer. There were a lot of reasons-namely school-that he had good reason to be on it. Also, it legitimately seemed like the large majority of his time on the web was spent doing those things. Being "wed to the internet" while referencing porn addiction just sounds to me like saying, "he spent every available moment on the computer beating it".

Looking Back: Part 1.2 The Signs (that I missed)

The last post was a long list of the signs that I felt I could clearly see now in hind sight. This is a list of some of the signs that I agree I can now clearly see in hindsight but didn't come to find until after reading through various list around the web.

Things I didn't think of:

1. Internet history and hidden folders: I did think of this, just not when writing the list. I remember going on his computer one day and not seeing anything and then feeling like shit for spying on him since it had been so long since I'd checked up on him. Then for some reason I decided to click on "recent" in his folder history. Sure enough, I found tons. And because I'm so smart, I could even see the dates the files were created and when they were last accessed. I remember thinking he was using a different browser at first, 
2. Becomes critical of your appearance: It's not that I didn't think of it, I just didn't think to put it into these words. After all, I do think I mentioned him telling me he wasn't physically attracted to me on more than one occasion up there. Of all of these things I've talked about and probably will talk about in the future, this is the one that hurts the most. 
3. Using the computer only in private. I honestly didn't think to include this in my long list, but it does make a lot of sense, and I did think about this. Sort of. I remarked to my husband about how I had asked him numerous times to move his computer into our bedroom. He didn't want to for "needing space" and other reasons. I never felt-when he would tell me these things- that they were particularly valid reasons. When we were talking about it just the other day, he continued to tell me his reasons and stood by them, but at least he acknowledged that it may be a good idea. At the time of writing this, he's out of town for work and I really want to just move his computer for him. But... A big part of me is holding back because I strongly feel like the want to change has to come from him. Also that also goes for making the decisions that will help. 
4. Unexplained hours on the internet: For me, it wasn't the heading for this blurb, but the meat of it. It talked about losing hours of the day-or night-to looking at porn, and that is very accurate for my husband. There have been several times, especially lately, that he remarks on how much time he spent on the computer, "just bull shitting" (which means porn, you tube, games, forums...) that he could have used to do something productive. 
5. Unknown email accounts or rental mail boxes. My husband is a frugal man, so I sincerely doubt he has a PO Box somewhere. Besides, we live in a small town and he forgets to drop of one piece of mail for weeks. This is why he doesn't do the bills. However, he does have several email accounts, one of which I know is entirely dedicated to porn crap. He tells me it's his "gaming account" and I don't disbelieve that's how it started off. I do know however, that it's also the account that he uses to create other accounts with that have to do with porn too. 
6. There may be a preference for climax through masturbation. One time most recently, when I tried to get him to explain to me why he masturbates instead of having sex with me, he told me that sometimes his hand can make his penis feel certain ways that I just can't. I told him that this wasn't fair to me because he's robbing me of the chance to share in a sexual experience with him, and that even though he says his hands can do things my vagina or mouth can't, that doesn't mean that I don't have hands too-I just need guidance to get at what he's looking for. 

Looking Back: Part 1.1 - The Signs

Note: there are a few things that have links to them. This is either because it is the first time I saw it, or because the way they approached the line just rubbed me like my husband rubs his penis-wrong.

Some of the signs that I can see now in hindsight are:

1. How quickly the rate of having sex went down.
• When we first started having sex, we were very young and didn't have the chance to often. I figured that the rate in which we had sex went down because it was more readily available after we moved in together. Then I also figured it had to do with the novelty factor-sex was new and hard to get. Little did I know... novelty. 
2. How often I had to be the one to initiate sex.
• For the longest time we chalked this up to me having more of a sex drive than him. And even in thinking that, we thought that it was me that had an overly large one, not him having an almost nonexistent one. Eventually though, I did become convinced that it really was his sex drive that was out of whack, and after a while he admitted/owned up to it to. 
3. His lack of interest in sex in general.
• I know this ties into the above, but I made it a separate line because I wanted to talk him making excuses as to why he didn't feel "in the mood". At first it was that he was tired, then it was because he was stressed, then it was because he liked it in the morning and he didn't want to wake me. Eventually, after nagging him to please tell me why he didn't want to have sex with me, he told me it was because he didn't find me physically attractive. 
4. His lack of interest in intimacy in general. 
• It wasn't that long ago that I started to really push this, but it was a very long time ago that I started to notice this as a problem and complain. Pretty early on, he simply didn't want to kiss me with any sort of passion. At first he said it was because he worked with raw chicken all day and just felt gross. More recently I had started complaining about him not just simply holding me, or touch me (not sexually).
5. Erection problems
• This has been an on and off thing for a while, but it was the main reason why he told me he didn't find me sexually attractive anymore. There has been several time in which we would begin to have sex, then we would have to stop because his penis just couldn't stay hard. Sometimes he would say it's because I made him have sex when he didn't feel like it and other times he would say it was because he was just too stressed out. 
6. How often he would look at porn.
• There's a lot I can say about this. I remember him telling me about his random jerk off marathons when he was younger, just as an experiment. I also remember porn being a big thing both before we moved in together and afterwords. At first I would even watch it with him. Then, within the last few years, he started to buy a few DVDs. He didn't really watch them though, which I found strange. But the number of files on his computer began to grow to absurd amounts. 
7. How his taste in porn changed over the years.
• I know this sort of ties into what I was saying above, but I just remember thinking, "man, he's really into watching blow jobs and facials. I thought he just wasn't into that though. I probably just can't do it well enough." Then thinking, "Jeez, this is a lot of anal sex". To just being out right disgusted with some of the things I found. I just chalked it up to him going on massive download binges, and not really paying attention to what he was getting. I mean, when I said something about some of the more out there stuff, that's basically what he told me.
8. His massive collect. His reluctance to delete it. His eagerness to rebuild it. 
• At the point that I became disgusted with a lot of what I was seeing, I eventually asked him to delete it all. It wasn't just that I was disgusted with a lot of things, I didn't even bring that up until after the fact because I was in some serious denial. It was mostly just that things had been so bad for so long and I wanted it to change. I accepted that he didn't find me sexually attractive, but I also felt like he would never give himself the chance to move past that if he didn't stop lusting over what I would never, could never be.
9. His continued porn use even after begging and pleading with him to stop. 
• Over the years there were several occasions where I told him I didn't like him watching porn and masturbating. Eventually, that evolved into me telling him that I wanted him to stop. Then it turned into me asking him to stop. Then pleading. Then begging. Eventually it bothered me so much that I had a mental break down and had to start going to therapy. He (is/was) still doing it. 

Keep in mind that I made this list only after watching the videos I shared in a previous post and other like it. I have yet to read or see, "Signs your partner is addicted to porn" yet, because I haven't felt the need to read or see what "crazy ladies" (who have no idea and are just trying to get hits) think. I will check some out after posting this, just to see if I can find any legitimate sources and to compare.

Learning about Porn Addiction.

If you've read my previous posts, then you will already know that I only recently learned about porn addiction and that my husband suffered from it. I talked about what got me on the road to discovery. Now it's time to talk about what I learned, where I learned it from, and set up some topics for future post.

After accepting that my husband may be addicted to porn, I decided to look up some videos. Below I'm going to link to the 5 prime videos that really made a difference in how I felt, and below each video, I'm going to list the things that stood out to me about the video. (This is as close to the order I watched them in as I can remember)

• Story about masturbating to porn from a young age.
• No drive for life. Not entirely applicable...
• Couldn't get turned on with a real girl. No matter what.
• Test to do to see if ED was caused by porn. 
• Science behind what porn does to brains. 
• Novelty, Shock and Surprise. 
• Just can't compete.
• Some guys can get an erection at first, but lose it. 
• Change in sexual taste.
• The younger you are when you start watching porn, the more deeply those pathways will become.
• You become numb.
• 9 months to recover; continued improvement. Can concentrate better. 
• Just give it up and see what happens. 

• Unending novelty
• Ram diagram/Coolidge effect
• Science behind...
• Porn harem slide" Digital: Alone... clicking, searching, multiple tabs..."
• Real Sex slide: basically all of the things I want. 
• What happens when a person who is already addicted to porn, finally gets with a real person
• "What the heck is water?"-fish
• Arousal addiction symptoms: depression, social anxiety, performance anxiety. 
• Sex is healthy-internet porn is not sex.
• Porn has the most potential to become addictive.
• Numbed pleasure response. 
• Willpower erosion. 
• Erectile Dysfunction
• Less obvious symptoms: depression, memory, some of the meds, dropped out of college. 
• Changes in taste. 

• ED and Delayed ejaculation.
• Anxiety, brain fog, difficulty concentrating, morning wood, loss of motivation to have sex with real people. 
• Changing porn taste. More extreme and more shocking. 
• Strengthen the (brain) pathways you want
• Regain stimulation from things you were numb to
• How can you tell...
• Rule things out. Reboot can never hurt. 
• What to avoid: porn/artificial sexual stimulation. If it's not real, no deal. 
• Rewiring doesn't just mean sex. It means all of the things that are important to me. 
• Karezza
• Gains
• Appreciation for the small things, like a smile. 
• Sex feels amazing, and ejaculation happens quicker
• Refractory period shortens. 
• Difficulty:
• Withdrawal symptoms
• Flat-lining: complete drop in libido. (his lasted 6 months.)

• Learn about addiction
• "Wait a minute, we should think about this" becomes weaker
• Move computer to a public place. 
• Stop doing things that would have normally easily led to porn use
• Avoid things that make you think about it. TV, radio, etc.
• FAP: Fun, active, and productive like physical activity and music. 
• Seek support. 
• Know that it takes time. 
• Change your mindset: porn is not an option anymore

•  Using porn to help put you to sleep
• Exercise instead, read, meditate...
• After withdrawal, sleep is fine. 
• You will have plenty of problems sleeping while trying to "reboot"
• Wet dreams:
• It's normal.
• They start happening during "reboot"
• It's OK during recovery. You're not reinforcing bad habits. 
• Keep track of how you feel
• might be more likely to have one if the day before is more stressful, or if you are sexually aroused before falling asleep. 
• Dreaming of porn doesn't mean you are on the way to relapse.
• Morning Wood:
• It's not normal for a guy to not have morning wood. 
• Some "rebooters" were able to have successful sex before their morning wood came back. (In the morning?)

I know there is a lot of repeat, but that just really reaffirmed a lot of things for me. Hearing them over and over. I've watched each of these videos at least three times, as well as many others, and I probably will continue to return to them again when things get hard. Or don't.

Feeling Cheated

The thing that made me look more into information about porn addiction was the video below. The reason I found this video was because I was feeling pretty tired of feeling conflicted about my feelings about my husband watching porn and masturbating. Most of the time I would feel like I was being cheated on, but then there were times that I felt like maybe I was just over reacting.

I mean, we I have been having issues with the frequency of sex, and the means that it often took to keep it up. The frequency that is. More about Keeping the penis up in a future post. With the relative lack of sex and desire for sex, I felt like whenever he masturbated to porn, he was choosing porn over me. This is subject matter will also be another post. On the other hand, watching porn is normal for a guy, and so is masturbating. Right?

Well, long story short, for years I would be conflicted about how I felt and I finally just got tired of feeling conflicted. So, I looked online for other people's opinions. If I'm really being honest, I was really just looking for reaffirmation that it was OK to feel like I was being cheated on. But I didn't want this affirmation to come from another female since my biggest concern was that it was my illogical female brain thinking that this was wrong. So, I clicked on the first video that had a subjective title, and seemed to have been posted by a male.

I couldn't have been happier with what I found. The first thing that struck me the most about what Mr. K Kortez had to say was "If you are doing anything sexual or romantic that you have to jolt or try to hideif your partner comes into the room... Then you're cheating." This struck me the most because my husband always says that if you are doing something you feel you have to hide or lie about then it's wrong. Yet, he always does this when it comes to porn and masturbation.

The next thing that struck me was his analogy with an open book test. At first I thought he was going to say, if it's an open book test then using a book while taking the test isn't cheating, but using a book while taking a test when it's not an open book test is. That's not what his message was though. It was that if you have an open book test, you are likely to not take the test seriously or put a lot of effort in.

That really struck me deeply because I felt like I was constantly begging my husband to put more effort into our sex-and even just intimacy-life, and he just didn't. At least it didn't really seem like it to me.



So yeah, this guy is a Christian, and he does insert some Christian view point in, but for the most part this video is pretty all encompassing and exclusive of a Christian view point.

At first when he made his statements about addiction, I thought to myself, "Yeah OK. That's a big leap. There goes your credibility." But then I got to thinking about the words he used. "If you are in a healthy relationship, then there should be no need... If there is a need, then you are an addict." Taking a second to think about that, I thought to myself, "you know... I really don't want to believe that my husband would continue to do something that he knows hurts me. Maybe he's doing it because he can't help it. Maybe he's addicted."

This led me to look for videos that talked about porn addiction (since I was already on YouTube). I found a few good ones right off the bat, and will make a later post about it.

First Post. Why?

As of two days ago, I have become aware that my husband is addicted to porn. Needless to say, this is a pretty big deal and it has rocked my world. However, somewhat surprisingly, I've learned that this isn't really a unique thing. In fact, the reason why I was able to really figure it out is because it's a very common thing. While I plan to eventually make a post about learning that this is no unique problem and my journey to discovery so to speak, I really want to begin with the reason I started this blog. 

So, I started this blog because shortly after learning about porn addiction, I learned that there are all sorts of support groups out there for recovering porn addicts. That led me to thinking that if there are support groups for people who are recovering, then there's got to be support groups for people who are affected by those with the addiction as well. That led me to doing a few Google searches. I was a little surprised to see that the first few pages were all religious in origin. 

This didn't really work for me and it has nothing to do with my religious beliefs. It mostly has to do with the fact that most Christians have the mentality that masturbating or thinking of a woman who is not your wife in a lustful way is adultery. Not like. Not similar. Just is. Adultery. This just doesn't jive with me. I don't think that porn or masturbation is innately dirty, or sinful. I don't even think it's innately wrong. What I do think however, is that the addiction to these things is wrong. 

And that's really why I decided to start this blog. I wanted to put a point of view out there and make it available to the women (or men), who may be going through the same things I have already gone through, and probably will go through. And I wanted this point of view to be from a real person's perspective. From a person who's point of view isn't skewed by faith, religion, or congregational thinking. 

I like science. Actually, I love science. And when one of the first resources I found made it's points in reference to some scientific principles, I was sold. Well, I was really just relieved that what I already began to believe could be backed up by things I already knew. In fact, I kind of wanted to kick myself for not making the clear cut connections before. I will get more into connections that I did make in a later post.