Almost 4 weeks in, and first real issue

It's only been 4 weeks since my husband has officially started his reboot, yet it feels like it's been that long since my last post. Not a whole lot has happened and I'm not really sure how I feel. On the sex front, we've only had sex one time since he's come home from his last work trip. He woke me up when he started running on my "front butt" (something one of the nieces said many years ago), and one thing led to another and bam! Sex. It was actually really great, but it was the last time we had sex. I remember wondering shortly after if him having sex with me in the middle of the morning was his way of just making sure we got one in-you know, just to keep the count up.

In the time since, I've been trying very hard not to pressure him into having sex with me. I've mentioned once or twice that I would really like to try to have sex on this day or that, but also made sure to tell him it was OK if we didn't. There have been several occasions in which I've attempted to stimulate his parts, but things have been entirely flaccid.

There are two possibilities that come to mind to explain why this may be happening. The thing that pops up the most is that he may be experiencing a flat line. I don't know a whole lot about flat lines, how soon they can occur, how long they will last, if there's any reason to feel concerned etc.
I don't think there's anything wrong with these "dry spells" though. They seem to be a normal occurrence. I just wish I knew more.

The other possible culprit would be the new meds he's supposed to be taking for sleeping. It falls into the Benzodiazepine class of drugs so the side effects can be pretty... pungent. I wish he's never read up on the side effects though. He's so much like his mother in that when he reads about something all of a sudden he's experiencing it too. I'm not saying that he's not sincerely experiencing some of the side effects though. Rather, what I mean to say is that because he knows they are side effects of the meds, it gives his brain an excuse to continue exhibiting those side effects. If he didn't know they were side effects of the meds, he would work a little harder to combat them rather than just let them roll over him.

If it were me. What I would do if I Planned to Quit.

I wanted to make a post about what I would do if I were the one quitting porn. I've been thinking about this post for a while but haven't found the time to get it done. Every time I think about at least starting a draft though, the things I would do change a little. That being said, consider this a living post. I'll post it as is when I'm done, but I expect to continually make changes to it as time goes on and ideas and reasoning change.

This post is going to be very biased. All of the things I'm going to list and talk about are probably honestly just going to be the things I want my husband to do while he's quitting, and not just things I would do.

First Steps:

• Move computer into bedroom. You've probably seen this mentioned a few times before, but here's a little more detail about it. I would move the computer (desktop) and desk into the bedroom. I would choose the bedroom because for the two of us, it's the most communal spot. Neither of us are often found in the living room or dining room, and the computers are currently in out own rooms. It worked out before for camaraderie reasons when we had them in the same room that was not the bed room, but the next point. There's a tendency to hit the web in the wee hours of the night for both of us. Not only is doing this in a solitaire environment a trigger to bad activities and as such should be avoided, but it's also missing the accountability partner factor during those hours. True that if both computers were in a common area it would be very easy to have someone there to discourage bad behaviors, it doesn't account for night time use when the other person is sleeping. At lease if I were to have the computer in the bedroom I wouldn't really feel comfortable doing the things you disapprove of. 
• Delete all porn: This ones kind of a no brain-er, but it may prove to be harder than you think. This includes not only the files on the computer that are images or videos, but also the files with links, book marks, torrent things, whatever. Hidden folders and encrypted files are something to look for too. Also, those funny little memes and what not.
• Create a new email account: Why do this? Well, see some of the goals below. Some of the goals include identifying and removing all triggers, and decreasing overall internet use. If I were like you and had a significant number of porn related promotional emails, I would find it very easy to get distracted and then-eventually, possibly even-triggered to re-embrace bad habits. So, rather than wasting a lot of time, effort and energy in trying to clear out subscriptions, great filters, and delete old mail, it would simply be a heck of a lot easier to just create a new email address and be sure that important real live people knew it. I could probably even skip that and simply use our joint email address for a while. 
• Forward emails from only the most important addresses/people to the new account. This includes creating a filter to forward mail from family and friends. If they aren't already in your address book, chances are they don't have your email, so that should help make things easier. 
• Also, update only the most important accounts to have the new address. The most important accounts would include and billing companies or utilities, banks or investments. Maybe loyalty programs - depending on who their for. 
• Share all of the passwords to every email address with you. This has a couple of reasons behind it. First, I would want to show you trust, and hope that this allows you to feel more like you can trust me too. Second, those email addresses should be checked from time to time for important mail. Third, it would be good to have another person weed through the crap, and start creating filters so that the unwanted triggers don't get through.
• Use a dumb phone: So, it's no secret that smart phones are a very easy and convenient way to be connected to the internet. It's that very same connection that also makes it so easy to be tempted to relapse. The way I see it, it's better safe than sorry. Besides, what were the reasons to get a smart phone to begin with? Be able to check email as it comes it, quick access to information, and the ability to waste time in an efficient manner. 
• Since I would be pairing down to only one email address, this really shouldn't be a problem if I'm working toward my goals.
• What kind of information would I need quick access to that I can't just use a computer to get. Yeah, so what if it sucks not being able to look up the name of that song that's been stuck in your head for the last 30 minutes? Or directions to that store you wanted to visit. None of these things are things that can't be remedied by either writing it down as a note to myself, or by planning ahead. In fact, a day planner would make an excellent substitution, and would also help to make better use of time (perhaps).
• Waste time efficiently. Seriously? So what if I like to peruse Facebook or Pinterest when I don't feel like doing anything else... That's the sort of thing that is anything but conducive to kicking an internet related addiction. 

Goals:

• Decrease overall internet use: With internet related addictions and the hope of quitting them, comes the need to reduce internet use over all. A lot of the time spent wandering around aimless on the internet mostly often leads to switching over to porn. Not only that, but the act of constantly searching and clicking in order to get new content is very similar to the things that made porn so addicting to begin with. Decreasing over all internet use does a few things:
• Removes the temptation from aimlessly click from one random thing over to aimlessly click to porn. 
• A little more than half of my time spent on the internet is spent doing things that are in no way shape or form productive. 
• Frees up time to do things I've been wanting to do but just haven't have the time. 
• Track internet usage when used: I suggest/ it is a goal to track actual usage for a couple of reasons (listed below). I also think that having a printed spread sheet to track with and a timer or interval timer would be useful in meeting this goal. Also, if mobile devices are out of the question, having a camera set up to record while I use the internet might also make tracking actual use easier. Knowing that I should turn on a camera each time I begin the use of the internet is one of those things that could serve as a deterrent. If I know I have an eye watching me, I wouldn't be so easy for me to casually click over for just a minute, or if I consciously decided not to turn on the camera because I knew I had intentions, it could serve as an ethical reminder. 
• To see how much time I actually spend on the computer/internet
• Te see how my time is used on it. How much time is spent reading through emails, how much time is spent watching you tube videos, how much time is spent wandering aimlessly, how much time is spend reaching some sort of objective, etc.
• I think it would be very surprising to learn how much of my life I actually spend on this sort of things, and how much of it is actually wasted.
• Identify and remove all triggers:
• I've mentioned a few times how different things can be triggers for bad habits. Some of them are as obvious as a porn related promotional email, and as un-obvious as the headphones used to keep the sound to myself. The hardest part about this goal is critically thinking about my actions and how they make me feel, as well as critically about how I'm feeling and why whenever urges or temptation or even simply just whims strike.
• Have productive activities to to: One of the things that people trying to quit an addiction find the most valuable is having some productive or fun activities to do. A big part of this is because it serves as a distraction from the things that otherwise is usually at the for front of their minds. Another plus if the activity is productive is that I would get a good feeling out of it. If I were to keep it up, the reward circuit for whatever caused that good feeling just might become stronger than the porn one. As an even bigger plus, exercise gives a pretty high level of dopamine so it's an excellent way to feed the reward circuit and it has so many other benefits (better sleep, better memory, lowers stress, reduces anxiety, better heath overall, etc).
• Have a schedule and stick to it: Aside from... basically everything listed above, having a schedule is really good for becoming more productive and effective people in general. Part of he hardest part about doing any of the above is making oneself just do it. It's really easy to say, "I'm just going to spend 15 more minutes doing this, then I'll move on to my jog," and then never getting around to that job. 
• When I was going to the gym everyday, I was able to do it because I made a schedule for the first part of my day and stuck to it. I told myself every morning before I went to the gym, "you have to do this. No excuses." And believe it or not, it worked. I stopped going when I stopped telling myself I had to. Every day in a row I told myself I had to, the easier it was the next day to do it again. And when I slipped up and said, "I don't really have to today," was when it became easier and easier everyday to keep saying the same thing.  
• Plan things down to the closest 10 minutes, and don't allow for wiggle room, or allow for excuses when it appears deadlines won't be met. Also, make ultimatums to meet when the schedule is broken. How are you going to make up for this slip. This ultimatum tactic isn't meant to be a fall back, but a punishment. (*For my husband: Think about this when the end of the work day comes. You know you are supposed to leave work at a certain time. You always plan to be places 15 minutes before you need to be there. View home (or wherever you plan to go straight after work) as just another appointment that you have to be early for. I think this is where a major part of your problem comes into play. You don't make your home/family time as much of a priority to get to as everything else, it's flexible to you.)
• Include blocks of time for prepping and travel. If I say I want to be at the gym at 3:00, then I need to plan 20 minutes of prepping (getting dressed, packing gym back, making sure I have water and headphones etc) and 10 minutes for travel (driving, parking, and checking in). If I know I'm likely to run into people who want to chit chat when I get their or before I leave, allot time for it. 

Writing prompts

For a little while now I've been yearning for my husband to communicate more with me. I'm not trying to push him though, because I don't want to make him talk about something he's not ready to talk about. I do feel like a big part of him not talking to me about how he's been in relation to quitting porn is that he really doesn't know what to talk about, how to talk about it, or hasn't really put a lot of thought to it-just taking things day by day.

My need to know what's happening is winning out, and I decided to help the communication thing along by making a jar or list or something full of writing prompts. These prompts are going to be the things I want to ask him about but haven't. My hope is that by taking the time from time to time to write about the subjects he will be forced to actually think about them rather than just let things me. I also hope that this will be a means by which he can really start thinking critically about the life changes he's going to be or already has started to experience.

While I was trying to make a list on my phone, I also decided that folder may be in order. Even though a journal would get the job done, I think a folder may be more helpful because he would be able to categorize the subjects. I think I'll put dividers in for each of the major signs and symptoms. I would also like to include the opportunity for him to revisit each subject as a whole so that he can look back and compare and contrast.

The major signs and symptoms as broken down into tabs will likely look like:

• PIED
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sleep
• Productivity
• Intimacy

A Magic Cure-All

My husband made the comment that the reports he heard on the videos I had him watch of people who gave up porn seemed kind of far fetched. He said it seemed like they believed that porn was the root of all of their problems, and that kicking the addiction was some sort of magic cure all. It's true that the first time I saw some of these self-reports I thought to myself, "I think this is a bit of an exaggeration." But like I said in the post that inspired this post: I love psychology and I think and am able to empathize with their feelings and sort of even understand where those feelings come from.

I believe that he said this mostly as a way to give himself some wiggle room if he continued to have some of the problems listed even if/after he too kicked porn addiction. Or, if I'm being honest, I also think that he said this because he didn't yet want to fully admit to having a porn addiction.

Being empathetic:
Some of the claims the guys made did seem pretty far fetched, it's true. But I can see where they are coming from and some of why they would think these things. For a lot of the claims, I'm sure they are true: people overall reported being more productive and being happier. Just using my own husband as an example, he would spend an average of 4 hours at a time looking through porn sites. This would happen for several days in a row. If, in a particular week, he went on a three day binge, that would equal 12 hours of searching through, clicking, and watching porn. Now imagine all of the things a person can do in 12 hours. And as far as being happier goes, I think that if a person gets to the point in their life that they can freely acknowledge that they have an addiction to porn, I don't think they would be very happy at that point. Go from being depressed and beating themselves up over having a shameful addiction to being able to say they no longer had that monkey on their back? Well, I'm sure anybodies quality of life and over all level of happiness would go out tremendously. But, I can see how a pessimistic in nature sort of person such as my husband would have a hard time viewing things from that angle.

Wiggle Room:
I eluded to the fact that my husband has some of the signs and symptoms common to porn addiction. I also mentioned that I think he wanted to give himself some wiggle room. This comes from a few things.

First off, as mentioned above, my husband is a pessimist. Rather than hoping for the best, he really does set him self up to expect the worst. This is something I've known for a long time, and I hate it. I think that he's avoiding seeing some of the signs and symptoms as being attributed to porn addiction because he's too pessimistic to believe that these things that have been a problem for so long will simply clear themselves up when he finally kicks this addiction.

Secondly, we're all scared of failure. I think the want for the wiggle room of these signs and symptoms not being directly correlated to porn addiction has to do with the fact that if they persist after he's given up porn for a significant period of time it would seem to him like a sign of failure. Like, even though he hasn't viewed any porn, he's still failed at kicking the addiction.

On the other hand, and thirdly, it's also very hard to admit when we have a problem. I said it before and I'll say it again. I'm don't really think my husband has fully admitted to himself that he has a porn addiction. I think the need for wiggle room also comes from a worry that if he does go a significant period of time without porn, and these signs and symptoms do end up clearing, he needs to be able to say that they (the S&S) weren't related to porn addiction, so their absence is not a sign that he over came porn addiction because it wasn't a problem to begin with.

Signs and Symptoms:

Some of the S&S that are correlated with PA include (taken from YBOP):

• Copulatory impotence - impotence during sex with a partner.
• Erectile dysfunction - with or without a partner. 
• Morphing taste in porn
• Social anxiety
• fatigue, irritability
• lack of motivation, depression, anxiety
• inability to concentrate, brain fog

I left out the ones that don't seem to apply to my husband, but it's pretty telling that I only left out two.  I'm now going to go into a little more detail about each of them. I'm also going to add in one of the two that I took out, because it used to apply to him. 

Copulatory impotence / Erectile dysfunction 

I combined these two because they seem to be basically the same thing. I think they were only separated because one was specific to relations with a real person (copulatory impotence) and the other could also occur even with porn. There have been on and off periods with my husband that he either couldn't get his penis hard, or couldn't keep it hard. I talked about this a lot already, so I'm not going to get into the details, but I just want to note, this one applies.

Morphing taste in porn

This is another one of those things that apply and that I've talked about a lot already. 

Social anxietyThis is something that I don't think I've talked about, but totally applies. Luckily, it doesn't apply nearly as much now as it had in the past. He used to really hate talking to people he didn't know, or being put in situations where he was left alone with people he didn't know. I remember he used to complain about me not taking him to parties, but when I would he would get really mad and think I was up to no good because I would leave him a lone where ever "the guys" were hanging out. 

He says that he's gotten a lot better at being a social person, and he says I have a lot to do with that. I don't know if I can take all of the credit, or it his growing social skills also has to do with the fact that it's been ten years since we've been together and it's just one of those things he's gotten better with as he matures. 

I do also want to vent just a little. He used to get mad when we would be at his family's house and I would basically be stuck to his side. I didn't like when he left me alone with them because it was an awkward silence. Looking back now, I feel like he was being a little hypocritical. It wasn't OK for me to leave him alone with a group of guys chatting and hanging out, but it was OK for him to leave me alone with his quiet family who often left me alone in rooms? Pssh. 

Fatigue, irritability

This is something that has been an ever present problem in our lives. My husband, for as long as I can remember, has always had a problem with getting enough sleep. It's been one of those things that he's always complained about but has never seemed to be able to get a handle on it. Even with prescription drugs. That's the fatigue part. The irritability either comes and goes, or is something that I don't really notice that much. Back to the lack of ability to get a good night's sleep though. I don't remember this being a problem when we were really young, but I do recall it starting right around high school. I also recall, as you might from past post, that porn has been a part of his life since he was very young. Before high school even. And that during high school, it was such a big part of his life that he would go on masturbation binges. This may just be me looking for the magic cure all, but I think I'm beginning to see what the root cause to this particular problem is. 

Lack of motivation, depression, anxiety
I can't honestly say that my husband isn't a motivated man. When he decides to do something, he gets it done and puts 100% of himself into it. This may be another problem I've been wanting him to deal with for some time though. 

The other things though... Depression. Anxiety. These are 100% a real thing with him. Maybe not so much lately, but have for sure been omnipresent in the past. In fact, his depression was one of the biggest factors in bringing us together. Back then we were in high school though, and there were many other factors involved. But I can't help but to think that if he didn't have a porn addiction problem from such a young age, the feelings of depression wouldn't have been so bad. 

I remember the first time it really hit me that my husband had an anxiety problem. We were living together and I drug him to Wal-Mart. The crowd was so crazy that he started to have an anxiety attack. He warned me about it, but I honestly never knew anyone with that problem, so I didn't really take him seriously until it happened. Even at the time though, I wasn't really sure I totally believed it was real. It seemed a little too... I don't know. He didn't want to go, and he told me that was his reason why, then all of a sudden he had an anxiety attack? He'd never had one before to my knowledge, and any of the ones he may have had since have been no where near as severe as that one. None the less, it has been ever present. Doctor's have given him prescription after prescription and nothing has worked.

Inability to concentrate, brain fog

When we most recently talked about this, he said it's something new. However, I remember him complaining about this since around the time we first moved in together. It's always been a major complaint of his too. Right up there with not being able to sleep well and anxiety. He's tried a few things here and there, but nothing has every really worked, and he hasn't really stuck to anything either. Even though he always complains that he can't remember anything, I don't really think that's true. The type of work that he does and how he approaches it requires him to call upon a data bank of information in his own head on a regular basis. I think the thing that bothers him the most is that he has a hard time recalling things that aren't based in fact, but are based in feelings and emotions... and that's just some of the time. He sure as hell remembers what I said when we last fought when it comes up again. Those are the things I forget. 

Frequent masturbation

The actual thing the S&S said was, "frequent masturbation, little satisfaction ("feeling like a lust-ball all day")" I don't really know what a lust ball feels like, and I don't really know if he's ever felt like one because I'm not him, but I wanted to include this because I know for a fact that when he was in high school, he used to go on masturbation binges and that masturbation was a part of every day life for him. I want to say that I don't think there was a week that went by since he was able to and felt at ease doing so that he didn't masturbate at least three times a week all the way up until some point after us moving in together. I don't really know if this applies to the S&S here since it also has the caveat of "little satisfaction". I suppose this has to apply to the morphing in taste though. You masturbate to the same things, and it just doesn't cut it. But you continue to do so because you've got an itch that needs scratching, and you haven't yet figured out that you need something a little harder to get you off. 

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Man. My post are all so very long. One day I'm going to turn these into videos or recordings. I think that the tone in which a person says something also adds a lot of meaning to the words they speak. 

But seriously. Making this post has me thinking a lot. The first part was be contemplating how other people feel after they've kicked their porn addiction. The second part of this post went into detail about what I think about my husbands reaction to their feelings. And the last part went into detail about the signs and symptoms that my husbands shows that are common to porn addiction. 

I recapped all of that not only for my benefit, but also to bring you‒the reader‒back to the point at hand. Which is what the signs and symptoms are that my husband currently shares with many other porn addicts and how he stands to gain from kicking the addiction. Even if he won't admit the possibility or their correlation. 

Gains

The biggest ways I think he stands to gain from kicking porn addiction are: No longer having to worry about sexual dysfunctions, getting more sleep, having better short term memory/less brain fog, and overall decrease in depression and anxiety. Those are the things listed in the last part of the post, but to address things listed in the first parts, I think he also stands to become more productive, and have more motivation to be so. 

Why we had a mock separation.

Image from Google search

I don't remember if I've ever posted about the "separation" that my husband and I did. It lasted about two months and the reasons why we did it were many. The biggest reason is because I was constantly going back and forth about if I wanted to get a divorce or not. Porn wasn't the biggest issue at the time. At the time an overall lack of sex and intimacy was. I just saw porn as my biggest competition in the battle for intimacy with my own husband. My husband would have rather watched porn and masturbated than have sex with me. To make matters worse, at one point he told me he didn't want to have sex me because he wasn't sexually attracted to me. I felt like I could never compete with the women he watched in porn. And I felt that by him watching it, he only fed the attraction to attributes I didn't have nor would ever posses. Him continuing to do that would never give him a chance to even try to become attracted to me (again, maybe?).

Either way, I was tired of asking him to stop, and yet still finding it on his computer or phone. Even though I wanted it all to stop, I felt like there really wasn't anything more I could do to make it. At that point I really had a "coming to Jesus" moment with myself and decided that I needed to figure out if I was strong enough to stay in spite of the porn, or strong enough to leave because he chose it over me. 

I was scared though. I had tried to leave several times before and it never took. I may or may not have made a post about that too. I don't really remember. It doesn't really matter though. The reasons why I could never bring myself to leave we no longer an obstacle. I started to work on a plan to move out. I didn't want me moving out to be the end of us though. I honestly just wasn't quite ready for that our relationship to be completely over yet. What I did want to get out of moving out was for me to be able to work on my issues, and for him to be able to work on his. 

Some of my issues were that I was entirely too dependent on his presence. The goal for me personally was to become more self sufficient. I noticed that I'd also grown to become majorly dependent on him in order to get anything done. Clean the kitchen? He had to be there or at least him be the one to finish the job I started. Getting school work done? I needed to be able to converse with him about what I was working on before I felt comfortable submitting it. Cleaning the room? I only did it when he needed something out of it.

At the same time, I also really wanted him to work on himself in a lot of ways. While I hoped porn would be one of the things he knocked out, I didn't plan to hold my breath. I was tired of hearing him talk about all of the same problems over and over again. He can never get a good night's sleep, he has a huge list of things he wants to get done but never seems to make the time to do them, he wants to start getting more physically fit but won't drag his ass to the street for a jog. I'm not the one in control of him, but whenever he complains about wanting to meet a goal, I always feel like I should do something to help. In reality, he's the only one who can make himself do things. Speaking of which, I was also tired of him blaming me for him being so messy. 

When we finally did do a separation it ended up being more of a mock one. I ended up moving down stairs to the "den" and he stayed upstairs. We were supposed to treat it like we were room mates. Like I was renting a room from a stranger and that he was renting a room out to a stranger. Things never really went as planned though. We still spent communal time together without all of the "hey roomie," or, "you wanna come over," stuff we (I) originally planned on-though it did happen sometimes. 

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One of the biggest things I learned through our mock separation was that I kept my room pretty damn clean and organized. I realized this when he "spent the weekend at my place," the Monday following I would notice that I left clothes on my floor and trash on my desk along with a few other messy habits. I was so disappointed in myself. 

I also saw that in the almost two months time, he made little head way in the organizing his life department even though he made a lot of big plans. To his credit though, the biggest thing he did to improve this was to buy a shelf right before he went out of town for work. It was that same trip out of town that I had sent the email demanding he pack his things and get out. So, he never really had the chance to put his shelf together and start the clean up process with a place to put things. Against his credit though is that I got that shelf up and that room pretty damn spotless while he was gone in just one night. AND I also got rid of a shit ton of crap he had been meaning to go through and get rid of shit from. 

Anyways. The biggest point was to work on our codependency issues and for us to work on becoming autonomous individuals. We were supposed to work toward being self sufficient on our own and to be able to do things and make decisions without seeking the other out for permission. I personally feel like I made a lot of head way. This may have been because I was preparing myself mentally for such a long time for being on my own that I sort of aspired for it. It might also be because I knew in the back of my mind that there was a very real possibility that we weren't going to get better and we were going to end up having to go our own ways. I can't say so sure though. I can only say what makes the most logical sense at the moment.

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We are currently no longer in separation mode. While he was gone the week that I put the shelf together I went on a crazy shopping spree. I bought a new bed in the Queen Sized proportions, and since then we've pretty much spent every night together. We've also spent pretty much every day together too, and I don't entirely know how I feel about that. I'm not sure if this is happening because of the, "this is your last chance. It's porn or me" thing, or if it's because he thinks we are done with the "working on being self sufficient individuals" thing since we are sleeping together again. It really could be a good amount of both. It's also possible that the Thanksgiving Holiday that just passed has contributed.

I don't really know, all I know is that I still really aspire to work on the things I had started to work on during our separation period. If things don't start to shape back up to being conducive to working on myself (and hopefully himself too), than I just might have to lay down the law and say I'm moving back downstairs for a period.

I don't think this will be a complete surprise either. I've brought up the fact that we've been regressing at least four times since he's been back. Almost 3 weeks now. I don't really know what else to do or say that will really drive my point home though. It seems like every time I start to talk about the subject it gets pushed aside. 

Week 3: what's happened since the last update.

My husband and I made a point to have sex on Sunday, so we could be sure to get one in before he left on Monday. He had a cold sore so there wasn't any room for kissing and what not though, and it made foreplay very difficult. I was also having vaginal issues due to either having just ovulated or getting ready to-I'm not sure which as this rarely happens. Instead of having a really nice build up of foreplay, simply passion filled kisses, or opting to skip it until he got back, we went with the "lathering me down with lube" option. I had tried to go down on him because that always works to get me going, but when I put his erect penis in my mouth is went soft-pretty quickly.  

There's a lot about the above paragraph I could analyze, but instead I'm going to get into a few other points. On Saturday (I think it was Saturday night) he told me that he wanted to be sure to give me some sexing on Sunday. I wasn't trying to complain, but I did ask him why that was. He said it was partly because if he didn't I would have to go more than a week without, and partly because he's trying to keep our average sex/week ratio up higher (than what was the norm before the talk). 

That first part I could completely understand and-in my head-be OK with. But that second part... It's harder for me to be OK with. I think it's harder because it feels like he's making it a chore. "This is something I have to do." It's kind of like how he used to give me maintenance sex about once a week because I practically, and sometimes actually had to beg for it. The only difference is that he's making the decision to do it before I ask for it, and making the decision to do it more often-probably because he thinks it's about the frequency I would be asking for it. 

A note on that very last line: "he thinks it's about the frequency I would be asking for it." This is only true-the frequency of asking being what it is-because I would always ask for it regularly in hopes that the next time I asked would be the time that was successful. If I didn't have to worry that I'd be shot down 10 times before getting some, I wouldn't ask every single day just to maybe get some on the weekend. If I knew the likelihood of having sex when I asked for it was at least a ratio of half the time or so, I would honestly only ask once or twice a week. Or even only when I actually wanted it. This is something that pisses me off about him: he assumes I want to have sex way more often than I really do because I have a history of asking for it so often. He doesn't own up to the fact that I have had to ask for it so often because he would almost always shoot me down. 

Anyways... Another thing I want to make note about is that after we got done-it was sort of a strange ending-I asked if he's able to simply make himself come. The strange ending was that I came, but sort of more milder one than normal and he couldn't tell. I had to tell him. Then just a moment after I told him he magically started coming. This is so fucking confusing to me in so many ways. My first thought was that he made himself come. 

First off, this last point in combination with the fact that it already started to seem like he was giving me preemptive maintenance sex makes me feel like he only ejaculated because he felt he had to in order to prove some kind of point or to achieve some kind of goal and not because of the pleasure of it all. Secondly, it really makes me second guess all of the other times he's ejaculated without obviously being driven to it by pleasure. Being driven to come or not having control over the urge is something we sort of discussed. He tried to explain that he really doesn't like feeling like he can't control when he comes. I guess I sort of get it, but really I don't. That seems like it would be the best way to come-when it's so good you can't help it. Not liking not being able to control the urge makes me think of something my psychologist said. He said that addiction generally/usually stems from the need for feeling in control. 

I don't know. This is so new to me and it took me by surprise. I just don't know what to think or how to feel when I think about his response to be asking if can just make himself come. And worst of all, when he could clearly see that I was bothered by this he was so earnest in trying to set my mind at ease and make me understand-or at least not feel any sort of bad emotion. The expression on his face and the pleading in voice for me to... understand? not be hurt, upset, or angry? He was so sincere; so genuine. I just wish I could really understand the emotions I was, and still am, feeling. I wish I could really understand these emotions so that I could share them with him. Maybe if he understood what bothered or concerned me so much he would be better equip to achieve his goal. Setting my mind at ease, or putting my worries to rest, or whatever it was that was his goal. 

I think I felt mostly like this time was maintenance sex. Sex that we only had because he felt the need to fulfill a want that I had even though he didn't really feel like it. This wouldn't be a problem if we didn't have the history that we have. But because of that history, maintenance sex feels more like an act of "fine. I'll do it even though I don't want it. I'm doing it because it's better than the alternative-you being mad or resentful" than an act of "I'm doing this because you want it and because I love you enough to do it even though I don't want it." 

I guess getting that last bit out really helps to clarify things for myself a little more. I need to know why he chose to have sex that night. What was the motivation for him? Was it because he was trying to prevent regression in me? Regression back to feeling like a starving child-never knowing when their next meal would come, or how long they'll have to go hungry for afterwards? Was it because he was punishing himself? Did he feel like, "I've caused these problems and now I have to fix them. This is one of the things I have to do in order to fix it"? Did he have sex with me out of fear that if he didn't he could have some sort of relapse with his "reboot"? Or could it have been because he thought it would make me happy? 

That last one would almost be acceptable. It's so much closer to "I'm doing this because you want it and because I love you enough to do it even though I don't want it." Again, if we didn't have the history we have it would be completely acceptable... but because of the history... it's hard for me.

What I want is for him to have sex with me because he desires to do so for the sake of doing so, expressing love, or wanting to share a connection so intimate; not because he wants to do so for any of the reasons listed above. And I can't say that I would honestly believe him if he told me he had sex with me out of pure desire. For one, it was planned. It was a goal he's laid out the day before. "I want to be sure to have sex before I go because..." time. And for another, I feel like if I were to ask him out right, "did you have sex with me because you wanted to, or because you felt you needed to or that you should for some reason?" his response would only be "because he wanted to" because he thinks, nay-knows, that's what I want to hear. 

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I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it a few times already, both in this post and in previous ones, but he's out of town again this week. Him being out of town kind of makes me feel like there's a halt in progress. It's hard to feel like he could possibly be making any kind of productive leeway in his "reboot" when he's out there; working. But then again, time is one of the biggest keys to success here, and is really the only real measurement of progress for this process. Also, distractions away from old triggers is big help in easing the process. So, in a way, the more time he spends on travel, the better things are. Right? 

My mind flashed back to all of the times he used to be on travel with his last job, and the fact that that never stopped him then. I was going to say what's to stop him now, but actually there's a few things. For one thing, he doesn't have a smart phone which was a major source for material. He doesn't have the tablet either. With those two things out of the picture, the only resource for internet browsing he has is his work laptop. I don't really see him risking it. 

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What else is new this past week? Well, the week started with "Black Friday" and we spent it continuing our Harry Potter marathon. He actually had to work on Friday, so that took up a big chunk of time. Saturday started off very early since it was another sleepless night. We began the morning with movie number five in the series, and finished it all off. After that he went to tutor someone, and I finally got started on productive things. I ended up not being that productive since he got home much earlier than I had anticipated. We spent the rest of the night cooking and eating and then going to bed early. 

Sunday was a lazy day. We cleaned a little and we also cooked ramen. We were going to go for Thai food but everywhere was closed. Since we didn't get a move on until sometime around 1, and driving around from closed place to closed place until finally hitting up the grocery store took quite a while we didn't actually get home until about 3. By then we started cooking and cleaning, then ate. It took a lot longer than normal this time around because we tried a few new things out. Then we went upstairs, he shaved and showered, and then we did it. That was it... The rest of week three he was out of town. 

First real fight

I'm not sure if we've actually fought until now since the start of things. I'm not even sure if this really counts as a fight since we didn't go back and fourth. But today we had a fight on the phone.

I started off with me noticing that he didn't message me at all yesterday after he got off work. I was I was sort of disappointed because I like to be able to actually talk to him at lease once a day. If he doesn't text me, then I have no idea when would be a good time to call. I made a point not to be the one to text him. Then the morning rolled around and he still hadn't texted. Not even to say good morning. Even when he's in town he would usually text me good morning at some point, and I take that as a way of him letting me know he's thinking about me. Eventually, I text him asking if he'd broken this phone too. He responded and I really just left it alone. I was tired anyways and went back to sleep.

I eventually called him today because it was late enough that he should have been off of work. It turned out that he was off of work and was in the car on the way to get some dinner with his coworker driving them. He answered the phone with, "Hey shortened-version-of-my-name. What's up?" I was already a little irritated by the fact that he hadn't bothered to tell me he was a live or anything. Then he called me by my name and seemed as though he thought I must have called because something was up and I needed to talk to him rather than a warm "hello, some-term-of-endearment".

Like I said, I was already irritated, so I didn't put a whole lot into starting a conversation. Also, the tone he was giving me was along the lines of "hurry up and say what you need to say so we can end this call and I can get back to what I was doing." You know the tone. I forget what I asked him, but it was basically did he not want to talk, if so then say goodbye now. He said bye and "love you", and I just couldn't help myself when I made the mm hmm sound and just hung up.

After I hung up he test me saying that he had to entertain one of their customers over dinner and that he would call me when he was done. He eventually called and even though things started off reasonable amicable-I told him a little about my day- they eventually went down hill when I'd asked him what his day was like yesterday. I know what I was doing. I only asked in order to collect evidence to build my argument. After he told me what his day entailed I hit him with it: "Then why couldn't you at very least text me at some point after you got off?".

He started off with the same old shit I've been hearing for years. "When I'm on travel for work I'm working. That's my first priority." Things along those lines. I'm so tired of hearing it. It's the sort of thing that put us into marriage counseling a few years ago. At that time, he was gone much more often and for much longer periods of time. The first year we were married he was gone exactly half of the year (about 25 weeks throughout). When he was out of the country for weeks at a time I would get especially distraught. It hurt so much that he refused to make the time for me.

I would ask him to let me know when to expect him back at his room since it was much cheaper for me to call him. He told me that he couldn't do that because he could never be sure when that would happen. Then I asked him to be more persistent about setting a limit to how much overtime he would work each day so that he could. Again, he refused. Eventually I tried to bargain with him, asking him to dedicate at least one hour a week to time for his wife. I asked him to set aside just one hour for me, and he could do what ever else he wanted with his time. That was a huge argument. He simply didn't want to commit himself to setting aside that one hour.

This was like a slap in the face to me. It told me that I wasn't important enough for him to make a priority in his life. While in counseling I relayed this story as well as other related scenarios. The counselor basically told him the same things that I had been saying for years. He understood the point after hearing it from another person, and I was sort of mad that it took hearing the same exact thing from someone else for him to finally get it. Also, I felt a sense of validation, and he felt like he was being ganged up on.

Anyways... I feel like this is the beginning of the same thing all over again. The biggest reason is that he started with that same argument about being on travel for work and therefore working being his first priority. Before he even finished trying to get that tired old argument out I told him to stop and that I didn't want to hear it. I wasn't asking him to text me throughout the day while he's supposed to be working. I was asking him to text me when he wasn't working to let me know what was happening.

Times he could call me or text are if he's taking lunch, when he gets off for the day, if he's back at his hotel room, before or after going to dinner, or before he goes to sleep. I'm not saying that I want him to text me at every single one of these points. Just one would make me happy, and just one is all it takes for him to take a little time out for me. Even if he didn't use any of those points in the day to actually call me, I feel like the least he could do is text me a few times if he isn't going to actually make time to talk to me. It's important for me to know that he's thinking about me from time to time, and me asking him to do these things is a big concession on my part. I used to call him at several points through out the day. That's a whole other blog post, but my point was that he didn't like it, so I said that I would try not to even though it was hard but that I needed him to make an effort in return.

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I was going to start off this next part by saying that I know this post has nothing to do with porn addiction and that's what this blog is all about, but in truth is about me. It's about me being a spouse to someone who is addicted to porn, and the experiences and thought I'm having through the process of him getting over his addiction. Right now I don't really feel like this post is entirely applicable to those things and will likely also add it to my secret letters to him, but I'm going to leave it hear anyways. I may come to find that this was actually entirely related. I don't know how now, but we'll see. I may even revisit this.

The hardest test you will ever face.

I made a reply to a woman going through a reboot with he husband. She talked about their trials so far and the failures she's endured/discovered. Then she went on to mention that her husband is currently in a period which "he's lost his libido and wants us to take our time", though he does masturbate from time to time without material. She does acknowledge that she isn't quite sure if she's willing to believe that it's another relapse.

There were only a few comments since the site isn't all that active. (Which makes me almost regret reminding my husband that it exist. I don't want him to know all of the things I say because I don't want him to feel gossiped about or judged. That's probably going to be another post). One of the comments was from a woman in a very similar situation, though I feel like her advice is completely insane‒again, probably another post. Another woman who replied was pretty much all about support and encouragement‒kudos to her. The last reply before I got around to it was from a man's perspective and really just about acknowledging her pain. Sometimes that's important‒having feelings acknowledged.

I decided to reply because the story seemed familiar to me. There was stuff included that I didn't experience, but the over all point was there‒her husband was becoming withdrawn and she didn't really know what to think about it. I noticed that none of the people who replied before I did ever mentioned his withdrawal as being a normal part of kicking a porn addiction and frankly I was a little appalled. This forum was supposed to be a place for people to seek answers, reassurances and support. While two of the three replies provided support, none of them sought to provide answers (expect to the lunatic) or any type of reassurance.

In my reply, I made a point to let her know that how he's behaving‒emotionally withdrawn‒is a very common rock in the reboot road. It's a shitty rock, but a common rock nonetheless. In stead of going into a lot of detail, I'm first going to copy and paste the reply I made.

I want to mention something that I didn't see as I scanned through the replies. This isn't to say it wasn't mentioned, but that I didn't see it since I only scanned.

I don't know a whole lot about the process of rebooting from a man's perspective. I only know what I read, and since I'm new to all of this, it's really not as much as I'd like. BUT there is such a thing as flat-lining, and it's entirely possible that your husband isn't up to his old ways, or even finding new ways to get the same old kick. It's possible that this is a very normal and fairly common thing that has happened to many men throughout their journey. You can surely read many post about it.

Flat lining is essentially a period of time during a reboot in which the rebooter experiences an extreme drop in libido. These things can happen for days or weeks, and can happen more than once during a reboot.

Personally, I think this is the hardest thing for a partner to endure as you can never fully know what's going on with your spouse, and there is always room for doubt to creep in. And that doubt may end up being the thing that causes a relapse. I don't honestly know if I've experienced a flat line with my own spouse, as this is the first time we've acknowledged porn addiction, and are aware of all of the rocks along the road to kicking it. I do know that he's tried to stop watching porn for me on several occasions before hand, and the feeling of guilt when I look back at the moments of extreme loss of sexual activity. I remember it being so hard on me, and because I didn't know what he was going through I badgered him so much about it. I feel guilt because I honestly think that he was going through a flat line and instead of being there for him and accepting that he really did not feel like having sex, I made him feel bad which caused him to try to figure out what would get him going again (aka start using porn to make sure his penis was still working and that he could still get turned on).

I'm not saying this to scare you, or to make you feel bad for worrying. I'm only saying this because I think it's important that you know that this is a possibility. If this is what he's experiencing that's frankly it's a good thing. It means that he really is sticking to his reboot. It also means that he needs your love and support more than ever. He needs you to understand that he's trying and it's not easy for him. He's kicking an addiction. Talk with him. Be open, and honest. Be his safe haven. The more you understand about what he's going through, the more you will learn to trust him. The more he knows you understand and trust him, the more he feels supported.

It's very clear that you love your husband, so I have no doubt that you want nothing more than his success, his health, and his happiness. I sincerely hope that this was nothing more than an episode of flat-lining for him and that he was able to pull through with out relapse. Over and over again, what I see as advice from the men going through this experience is a real emphasis on getting educated. Learning about the process of rebooting and the obstacles there will be is probably you guy's best weapon. After all, you never want to take a test without studying first right? Kicking a porn addiction will probably be one of the hardest test you will ever experience.

It was the last thing that I wrote that inspired the title to this post, and I really feel it captures the point I was trying to make beautifully. Sure I may have channeled a little of K Kortez in referencing test, but when it's spot on, it's spot on.

I know that Gabe made some pretty good videos about some of the rockier points of rebooting, but I think that I might just have to make a post about them from a spouse's point of view.

Out of town again.

So this is the first time my husband has been out of town since the last time-which is when he got a pretty surprising email from me demanding he pack up and get out. Him being out of town really isn't the big point of this post though; it's what I've done since he's left. I checked his computer. I haven't done this since the last time he was out of town, and not doing so was primarily because I've simply had much more important things to do, and not a whole lot of time to do them. It's not because I haven't wanted to check. Believe me, I have.

Some of the things I've been doing these last couple of weeks are  mostly the same old story, but there has also been a few additions. One addition from the very start was a big fund raiser dinner I was in charge of decorations for-then, of coarse, I also had to attend. Then there was the Thanksgiving Holiday weekend. And the Harry Potter Marathon during said Holiday weekend. It was so all encompassing that we even forgot/ran out of time to go cut down our Christmas tree. Aside from those not-so-everyday occasions there's also the fact that hubby and I have been spending a lot more time together.

I'm not entirely sure why we are spending so much more time together than before that fateful trip out of town. It could be that he's been trying to make things up to me, or it could be that he's trying to make a point to change in general. It could also be because we are sleeping in the same room again, so we are falling back into our old ways.

I'm not entirely sure. However, I do think there is a lot of regressing going on. We, or at very least I, have tried and worked so hard at becoming less dependent on the reassurance of each other's company during our separation period. We weren't doing fabulous by any means, but we were making some major strides. I feel like the progress has completely gone out the window now. Oh well for now I guess. You can't change the past, so the time has already squandered. At least I have been super productive while he's been away (for the 24 hours he's been gone so far). I was really productive the last time he was out of town too.

This is actually quite uncommon for me. He used to go out of town so much, it averaged out to about half the year. While he was gone I pretty much spent my days doing the same shit I did when he was "home". Home is in quotes because in those days just because he was in town and sleeping in our house didn't mean he spent a reasonably about of time at home. His average work week was 60 hours. There's only 168 in a week, and approximately 56 of them was spent asleep, and another 12-15 was spent getting ready for work/commuting. That really only left 40 hours a week. While that might sound like a lot, he was also a student, trying to work on the cars, and addicted to porn.

Anyways, on to going on his computer. I know it was probably kind of shocking so see that I've wanted to up there. Let me clarify though. I've been wanted to double check some of the dates I have stuck in my head for "the last time" stuff. I feel like I remember, but don't feel very confident about it. I wanted to go back and confirm the day. However... When I looked today, it was all gone. Completely. There was absolutely no way for me to confirm the dates I have in my head. This kind of sucks for me since I'm a stickler for details. I was super surprised at first, but then after I got over that mild shock, I was very pleased and very proud of him.

I was pleased because it's something he did without me asking it of him. I've been having a hard time battling it out with my instincts to do, say, or ask him to do certain things in regards to kicking porn addiction and what I feel about even having those instincts. On the one hand, I can't help but want to plan out a 12 step program for him, and be watching over his shoulder to be sure he's following all 12 steps (so to speak). And on the other hand, it's those same types of actions I've been working very hard at lately to squash.

One of the things I've been getting from therapy is that I'm a very controlling person. I'm not sure if that's the exact right words to use... or if I just don't like those words, but the point is the same. And while this isn't something that's news to me , the minute details of how I can be controlling are. Take helping" people for example: I might usually say, "I really want to help you meet your goals," but it's usually followed up with, "I expect these things from you if I do." The things I tend to expect from people are simply that they will do their part in ensuring my help doesn't go to waste. This may be that if they ask for advice on how best to study for a class and I give them times, I would expect they actually use those tips. And that's not how people actually operate. Using that same example, that person may have been asking for advice because they were trying to explore options that might work best for them. Just because I feel like my advice is the definite solution, doesn't mean it's something they feel they are capable of or willing to do. My not-so-current view on helping people isn't really what helping is about. In reality me helping in that sense is just me trying to tell people what to do and have incentive for them to do it. 

So yeah. I didn't want to tell my husband to be sure to delete all of the porn off of his computer, even though that's exactly what I wanted him to do. I didn't want to tell him that because it would have only been for one of two reasons: 1) because I want him to do what I want him to do; or 2) because by me telling him to delete the porn is really me thinking I'm being helpful by providing him with instruction for kicking porn addiction.

For the second point: while it's perfectly reasonably to say, "well yeah, that should be something he should do if he wants to quit porn," everybody's got their own path or process. I'm not my husband and-even though I want to think I know him well enough-I simply don't really know what he needs to do to be successful in this. I think that he's the only one who knows... or is the only one able to figure it out. Everything else-me, friends, psychologist, the internet-are simply tools for him to use while trying to do so. Even a psychologist who specialized in porn addiction would only be able to guide him to resources, tools, or techniques. The ability of those things to work is entirely dependent on: 1, if he chooses to use then, 2, if and how he perceives them to be useful, and 3, if he has the will to keep it up.

All that aside, I was also very proud of him because it's something he did all on his own. I didn't have to cry, beg, plead... I didn't even have to say a single word. He just did it. I wish I knew when if only because-again-I'm a stickler for details and want to catalog every single memory and step on the way to recovery.

The thought that keeps coming to mind when I think about the fact that he did this is when I begged him to delete everything and he straight up told me he didn't want to and didn't feel like he should have to. The only reason he eventually did was because I basically told him it was deleting the porn or my sanity. In a way I hate him for even having to consider one over the other at the time. I felt like it should have been a no-brainer, and I resent the pain I felt over it all. These actions in no way make up for that pain, but it is a major paving stone in the path to healing for me. Him deleting everything without being told or asked to do so really tells me that he's making a choice here.