Drafted post, never published. 11/24/14
This is a really good song. It popped into my head after a conversation my husband and I had about porn addiction. Actually, the very first conversation. I was so amped up, because there was so much I felt I needed to say, but it was late and he was tired and on travel. So I talked to myself and recorded it.
Basically though, the reason this popped into my head was because it takes more than words to say I love you. My husband would always try to explain that he showed he loved me by working his ass off and being able to provide. I always felt that this was caused more by his own needs (workaholic) than his desire to show he loved me. I do agree that it takes more than words to show someone you love them, though, and what I need from him is... at it's core: intimacy. Touches, kisses, smiles.
I used to be able to communicate to him that I wanted him to kiss me passionately just by looking at him a certain way. I had noticed a long time ago that he was no longer able to recognize that look in my eyes. Recently though, he was and it almost made me cry. When I mentioned it to him, he said he always could, just never responded.
And that did make me cry. Inside.
I would have been happier thinking that he was gaining something back through the quitting process than to learn that it was never something he lost. Rather, simply choose to ignore it.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Friday, March 20, 2015
Four months in and still feeling....
It's been four months since my husband's reboot on November 20th.
Life as we know it has changed in so many ways. I've changed in so many ways. And yet... Things still feel the same in so many ways.
Some of the life changes:
- Full time school - I will be going to school Monday through Friday and can expect a full days load of class. I will be having to wake up at the same time as my husband and I will be having to wake up my daughter just before we leave as well. I will have school to devote so much of my time and attention to, and will have little left for home and family life.
- A daughter - We have had our daughter for almost two months now, and though it already feels like she's always been here, she's also something to consume my time with. This means very little time for my husband and I-alone. It also means putting another person's needs before my own or even his.
- Active in our lodge - I've been very active in our lodge's activities lately, and that is yet another thing to act as a time taker/distraction. This isn't going to last once school starts. By this time in two weeks I will be so inundated with other things (*cough cough* school *cough*) that this will really have to be put on the back burner.
Changes in myself:
- I'm not depressed. There are moments that I get really sad, and once or twice where I've felt overwhelmingly depressed, but the feelings didn't last long. As a whole, I've felt better than I have in years. Yes, I'm anxious about school and stressed over bills, and those aren't very happy feelings to be having, but over all I'm happy. I'm achieving some very important goals, I'm learning to not take on things that I don't want to take on, and-most importantly-I'm finding fulfillment in myself.
- Finding happiness/fulfillment in myself. This is a really big one. For so long I've been looking to my husband to "make me whole" and fill in all of the empty spaces in my heart. I've learned that I can't do that, because it will never work. I've learned that I need only me and my actions to make me happy, and that everything else is just icing on the cake.
- Meds... oh the meds. I've upped the dose for both metformin and levothyroxine. Now I'm having (more) regular cycles and it's giving me a better hope of having a child of my own. I also feel less tired and lethargic thanks to the upped dose of levo. As for adderall... I'm thinking I might need to ask for the dose to be upped. I'm not sure. For a long while I was feeling like the meds weren't being as effective as they were at first, but now that I'm on more levo, I think things are getting better again. I think the low thyroid hormones was just really dragging me down.
What all of these changes mean?
Well, they mostly mean that I've been too busy to really focus on the porn addiction problem and the progress my husband has made so far. This kind of bothers me because I don't really know where he's at in the quitting process. I don't know how he's feeling or if he's been struggling. This bothers me mostly because sometimes I feel like he's not making any strides at all or is even slipping back sometimes and I want to know what's going on with him-to know if the ways I'm feeling have any real credence.
These changes also mean that I haven't really been that concerned about his progress. Yes, I do want to know because I feel certain ways, but at the same time those feelings are fleeting. I don't ruminate about them, and therefore they don't really bother me that much. It's most likely an out of sight out of mind kind of thing, and I am concerned that at the end of these two years, or even when I get the summers off, I'm going to walk into a shit storm I didn't see coming because I've been too distracted to look. But right now... I'm OK with it. I'm OK with being content with going through the motions, and just asking every once in a while for an update.
So to sum it all up: I'm happy. I have concerns in the back of my mind that pop up from time to time, but they don't linger. I don't know what that will mean for me in the future, but right now I'm good just worrying about me.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Last night was a pretty bad night.
I'm going to preface this post by saying that the only reason I'm recording these thoughts here in this blog is simply because I don't want to forget them. I don't really think these events have anything to do with my husband's porn addiction, but rather his over all mental and emotional health.
A little background:
A couple of weeks ago, my husband told me that because of the changes taking place at work, he would very likely be traveling again. He mentioned a few potential weeks that he would likely be going and I kind of freaked a little. I've been super anxious about school starting at the end of the month, and was because of that anxiety I wasn't really prepared for him to be leaving for days at a time. Especially since we now have another person at home who relies on us.
So, when he said that I freaked, and I asked him if he could request off for yesterday. He procrastinated, and then messaged me about it later. I didn't know what he was talking about or why I would have asked him to request off so I told him not to worry about it. Later, when I remembered that I had an intake test I needed to go to yesterday, I called him up while he was at worked and told me I remembered. He took off. He told me that he didn't think it was necessary, and I agreed but I told him I wanted him to anyways because I might need him for support, or in case I didn't get home at a reasonable time.
I suppose the thing that must have stuck out to him the most was that I needed him to be off so that he could be there for me. It turns out that this was sort of true as I was having the worse anxiety attack I've had since planning the wedding. I say sort of though, because I really wasn't prepared to come home. I walked around the campus after the test was all over with for a while. I went to an informational meeting provided by some of the nursing students who are further along in the program as well as took a tour as guided by those students. It helped calm my nerves while I was distracted, but the distractions were only intermittent. My anxiety was so bad that I could feel my heart rate shooting through the roof, and my vision kept getting blurry. I guess with my history of hypo-tension... I don't know. Anyways, I checked my pulse a few times and each time it was well over 95.
After I dropped off the girl I carpooled with, I went back to the school because I saw the traffic was pretty backed up going home. Luckily she told me how to get to and from her place while avoiding the highway. I went back to the school to see if there was anything else I could take care of since I was already there. There was, and I did. I still wasn't ready to go home. This was in part because of the anxiety but most because of the traffic. I decided to go to the uniform store that the school chose to switch to just to waste a little time and see what my future options would be. While I was there I saw a few other stores I felt like stopping in and so did. I also let my husband know that I was "going to wait it out". This is where the problem started...
I left it at that, since when he tried to call me we got disconnected and he never tried to call me back. I went to Marshall's and was able to pick up a few things for a few people who I knew were looking, this included my daughter. When I was all done there, I realized I was just up the road from the better mall, so I decided I would go there and get a few things done that I wouldn't have the opportunity to do anywhere else. I ended up staying there until almost 9 at night. It wasn't because I was taking my time or anything... in fact I only wasted about 2 hours at the mall, and about 45 minutes of it wasn't a waste at all because I was able to take care of something really important.
Anyways, and this is the important stuff, as I was preparing to leave, I decided to call my husband to let him know I would finally be heading home-an hour and a half drive. He was obviously annoyed and upset with me, and it really made me mad.
At first he was just being bitchy about dinner. He wanted to make something, but things were taking forever because of circumstances. He couldn't cook because the dishes were dirty, he had to wait because the meat was frozen... blah blah blah. Even as he was complaining about these things but not saying that any of them were out right my fault, it was still very clear he blamed me for his bad day.
Side note: I have played the game long enough and I'm tired of it. I'm not doing this thing any more... this thing where he shows signs up being upset about something and I try to sooth him and take on the blame for his feelings just to try to make things better. It does me no good to feel like I'm constantly to blame for his issues, and it certainly does him no good to continually misplace his frustrations on me. He's the one in control of his actions, not me.
I stopped and included that side note because it explains pretty well the reasoning behind my actions during the conversation as follows. While we were talking, because it was so clear he was upset and frustrated with me, I told him is good communication style, "Because of the tone in your voice, I feel like you are frustrated with me." I don't recall him having a direct response to that, instead he went on to tell me about how he didn't do the things he planned to do today because he was waiting for me to get home. He also told me that he didn't even realize I was out wondering the streets, but that he thought I had just pulled over and was waiting. I'm not really sure why he made this assumption. I told him I would wait out the traffic, but I never said I had simply pulled over. Then he started talking about how he didn't even know I was in a town that was south of the school, and pointing out that it was the opposite direction from our home.
Here's one thing: he was obviously frustrated because he didn't know what my actions were in more detail. He made assumptions and drew conclusions, which don't even seem reasonable to me. Either way, he was frustrated because my actions did not line up with what he assumed. This goes to that side note. He did not take responsibility for the fact that his emotions we brought on by his own doing. I did nothing that caused the frustration. I did not tell him I was pulling over on the side of the road and parking until traffic began moving, but was actually out shopping. I simply didn't give him more detail.
We covered that, and got on the second thing: he wasn't able to go to a lodge meeting that he wanted to make it to because he was at home trying to make dinner. I guess this is the second and third thing really. He was also frustrated that it took so long for him to make dinner in the first place. He walked to me about 5pm, and said that he was going to cook something. He didn't get dinner done until after 9pm. I was never asked nor was it expected of me to have dinner plans made or ready for him. Dinner has always just been what ever we figure out each day. So, he didn't get dinner done because dished had to be cleaned before he could start. Then the meat was frozen and it had to thaw, and he also waited until it was closer to the time he assumed I would be getting home. You tracking so far? So he was frustrated with me for several reasons that, again, had nothing to do with any actions that I took.
Once I realized this I was trying to talk to him with good communication. I told him I understand that he's feeling frustrated, and these were the reasons he was feeling frustrated. I told him that his frustrations were founded by things that I had no control over, but I would still like to avoid this sort of thing from happening again. I told him some of the things I could do in order to avoid them which included being more clear about what I'm planning to do and the time frames I plan for those things take place during. I also told him I could be more diligent about updating him with changes as they occur. From that point, I asked him what some of the things were that he could do to avoid the frustrations in the future.
Rather than actually telling me his actions, he started explaining why he was frustrated and what he felt caused it, and... aaah! That did not answer the question presented to him. So... I stopped him, and told him he was going off on a tangent and not answering me. I restated the question, and gave an example. The example I gave was, "perhaps in the future when a situation like this occurs you could not make assumptions, but rather verify information and get facts." He wasn't hearing that though and started telling me what caused his frustration again. Then he said, "I'll just get over it".
Honestly, that really made me cry. I was trying so hard to get through this problem, and make sure we both understood the actual cause, and both made strides to improve in order to prevent it from happening again.
There are many points along the way with this story where I would have normally/ historically acted differently had it happened in the past. But, I've been making great strides, and was staying on that path. At this point in the story, it was beginning to be too difficult. I was crying, it was hard to speak, and I was feeling so many different ways that I couldn't even begin to form an "I feel" statement. Not only did I feel way too many different ways, but I also wasn't really able to even put some of those feelings into words. I simply didn't have words for them. Normally I would have broken down crying and just stopped there. But I didn't, and I pushed on. And he was uncomfortable and just wanted the conversation to end.
He tried to end the conversation there, and I don't really recall what words lead to what words, but I told him not to expect to see me home, because I didn't want to be there and I didn't intend to. I suppose that must have gotten his attention because all of a sudden he wanted to talk again.
Eventually we talked things out, but I still didn't feel very good about the conversation. I feel like we came to a conclusion but it was a reluctant one. One in which he only wanted to appease me in order to insure I would come home. When we ended the conversation, he asked if I was going to come home now, and I told him that I really wasn't sure. I told him I was feeling some very confusing emotions and that I still didn't really want to. I told him that I likely would come home, but not to wait up for me. But I also assured him that if I wasn't to come home, I would at least promise to be safe.
A little background:
A couple of weeks ago, my husband told me that because of the changes taking place at work, he would very likely be traveling again. He mentioned a few potential weeks that he would likely be going and I kind of freaked a little. I've been super anxious about school starting at the end of the month, and was because of that anxiety I wasn't really prepared for him to be leaving for days at a time. Especially since we now have another person at home who relies on us.
So, when he said that I freaked, and I asked him if he could request off for yesterday. He procrastinated, and then messaged me about it later. I didn't know what he was talking about or why I would have asked him to request off so I told him not to worry about it. Later, when I remembered that I had an intake test I needed to go to yesterday, I called him up while he was at worked and told me I remembered. He took off. He told me that he didn't think it was necessary, and I agreed but I told him I wanted him to anyways because I might need him for support, or in case I didn't get home at a reasonable time.
I suppose the thing that must have stuck out to him the most was that I needed him to be off so that he could be there for me. It turns out that this was sort of true as I was having the worse anxiety attack I've had since planning the wedding. I say sort of though, because I really wasn't prepared to come home. I walked around the campus after the test was all over with for a while. I went to an informational meeting provided by some of the nursing students who are further along in the program as well as took a tour as guided by those students. It helped calm my nerves while I was distracted, but the distractions were only intermittent. My anxiety was so bad that I could feel my heart rate shooting through the roof, and my vision kept getting blurry. I guess with my history of hypo-tension... I don't know. Anyways, I checked my pulse a few times and each time it was well over 95.
After I dropped off the girl I carpooled with, I went back to the school because I saw the traffic was pretty backed up going home. Luckily she told me how to get to and from her place while avoiding the highway. I went back to the school to see if there was anything else I could take care of since I was already there. There was, and I did. I still wasn't ready to go home. This was in part because of the anxiety but most because of the traffic. I decided to go to the uniform store that the school chose to switch to just to waste a little time and see what my future options would be. While I was there I saw a few other stores I felt like stopping in and so did. I also let my husband know that I was "going to wait it out". This is where the problem started...
I left it at that, since when he tried to call me we got disconnected and he never tried to call me back. I went to Marshall's and was able to pick up a few things for a few people who I knew were looking, this included my daughter. When I was all done there, I realized I was just up the road from the better mall, so I decided I would go there and get a few things done that I wouldn't have the opportunity to do anywhere else. I ended up staying there until almost 9 at night. It wasn't because I was taking my time or anything... in fact I only wasted about 2 hours at the mall, and about 45 minutes of it wasn't a waste at all because I was able to take care of something really important.
Anyways, and this is the important stuff, as I was preparing to leave, I decided to call my husband to let him know I would finally be heading home-an hour and a half drive. He was obviously annoyed and upset with me, and it really made me mad.
At first he was just being bitchy about dinner. He wanted to make something, but things were taking forever because of circumstances. He couldn't cook because the dishes were dirty, he had to wait because the meat was frozen... blah blah blah. Even as he was complaining about these things but not saying that any of them were out right my fault, it was still very clear he blamed me for his bad day.
Side note: I have played the game long enough and I'm tired of it. I'm not doing this thing any more... this thing where he shows signs up being upset about something and I try to sooth him and take on the blame for his feelings just to try to make things better. It does me no good to feel like I'm constantly to blame for his issues, and it certainly does him no good to continually misplace his frustrations on me. He's the one in control of his actions, not me.
I stopped and included that side note because it explains pretty well the reasoning behind my actions during the conversation as follows. While we were talking, because it was so clear he was upset and frustrated with me, I told him is good communication style, "Because of the tone in your voice, I feel like you are frustrated with me." I don't recall him having a direct response to that, instead he went on to tell me about how he didn't do the things he planned to do today because he was waiting for me to get home. He also told me that he didn't even realize I was out wondering the streets, but that he thought I had just pulled over and was waiting. I'm not really sure why he made this assumption. I told him I would wait out the traffic, but I never said I had simply pulled over. Then he started talking about how he didn't even know I was in a town that was south of the school, and pointing out that it was the opposite direction from our home.
Here's one thing: he was obviously frustrated because he didn't know what my actions were in more detail. He made assumptions and drew conclusions, which don't even seem reasonable to me. Either way, he was frustrated because my actions did not line up with what he assumed. This goes to that side note. He did not take responsibility for the fact that his emotions we brought on by his own doing. I did nothing that caused the frustration. I did not tell him I was pulling over on the side of the road and parking until traffic began moving, but was actually out shopping. I simply didn't give him more detail.
We covered that, and got on the second thing: he wasn't able to go to a lodge meeting that he wanted to make it to because he was at home trying to make dinner. I guess this is the second and third thing really. He was also frustrated that it took so long for him to make dinner in the first place. He walked to me about 5pm, and said that he was going to cook something. He didn't get dinner done until after 9pm. I was never asked nor was it expected of me to have dinner plans made or ready for him. Dinner has always just been what ever we figure out each day. So, he didn't get dinner done because dished had to be cleaned before he could start. Then the meat was frozen and it had to thaw, and he also waited until it was closer to the time he assumed I would be getting home. You tracking so far? So he was frustrated with me for several reasons that, again, had nothing to do with any actions that I took.
Once I realized this I was trying to talk to him with good communication. I told him I understand that he's feeling frustrated, and these were the reasons he was feeling frustrated. I told him that his frustrations were founded by things that I had no control over, but I would still like to avoid this sort of thing from happening again. I told him some of the things I could do in order to avoid them which included being more clear about what I'm planning to do and the time frames I plan for those things take place during. I also told him I could be more diligent about updating him with changes as they occur. From that point, I asked him what some of the things were that he could do to avoid the frustrations in the future.
Rather than actually telling me his actions, he started explaining why he was frustrated and what he felt caused it, and... aaah! That did not answer the question presented to him. So... I stopped him, and told him he was going off on a tangent and not answering me. I restated the question, and gave an example. The example I gave was, "perhaps in the future when a situation like this occurs you could not make assumptions, but rather verify information and get facts." He wasn't hearing that though and started telling me what caused his frustration again. Then he said, "I'll just get over it".
Honestly, that really made me cry. I was trying so hard to get through this problem, and make sure we both understood the actual cause, and both made strides to improve in order to prevent it from happening again.
There are many points along the way with this story where I would have normally/ historically acted differently had it happened in the past. But, I've been making great strides, and was staying on that path. At this point in the story, it was beginning to be too difficult. I was crying, it was hard to speak, and I was feeling so many different ways that I couldn't even begin to form an "I feel" statement. Not only did I feel way too many different ways, but I also wasn't really able to even put some of those feelings into words. I simply didn't have words for them. Normally I would have broken down crying and just stopped there. But I didn't, and I pushed on. And he was uncomfortable and just wanted the conversation to end.
He tried to end the conversation there, and I don't really recall what words lead to what words, but I told him not to expect to see me home, because I didn't want to be there and I didn't intend to. I suppose that must have gotten his attention because all of a sudden he wanted to talk again.
Eventually we talked things out, but I still didn't feel very good about the conversation. I feel like we came to a conclusion but it was a reluctant one. One in which he only wanted to appease me in order to insure I would come home. When we ended the conversation, he asked if I was going to come home now, and I told him that I really wasn't sure. I told him I was feeling some very confusing emotions and that I still didn't really want to. I told him that I likely would come home, but not to wait up for me. But I also assured him that if I wasn't to come home, I would at least promise to be safe.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Life/family changes. We have a daughter!
I started this post over a month ago but never finished it. The block quote below is what I started with.
I can't remember the point of this post exactly. Obviously it was to talk about the changes that have been taking place in my life-including our new daughter, but I feel like it was probably more than that.
Here's what I assume I wanted to stress:
I know it's been a while since I posted last, and that seems to feel like a broken record kind of thing to say. But it's been a while for a good reason. The reason why it's been a while is because life has just been so darn busy. And that also sounds like a broken record thing to say. But this time it's true and for pretty different reasons. This time I have been busy with Elks stuff, school stuff, and also with the fact that we now have a daughter. And it's not one of those, "oh my gosh we could try and get pregnant for so long, and it finally happened" kind of things. Actually it's because we have a foreign exchange student living with us and we are acting as her parents while she is here.
This is something that my husband and I have talked about doing for a long time. But it was just never really the time to do it. We were always busy, we always were concerned that we wouldn't be able to spend enough time with them, or provide them with the things they need. But a little while ago maybe about 4 weeks now this woman that we know stopped us and asked us hey have you guys ever thought about his new strange student. We told her that we talked thought about it but that it just didn't seem like the right time. And then she proceeded to tell us about this student that was here and staying with a family and that was just not having a good time she seemed miserable and you know she just needed to be in a new place. She also told us that there was a couple that really wanted to take her but unfortunately they were old enough to. And well we talked about it and he basically left the decision up to me and the sob story really touched my heart strings and I'm a sucker. So here we are new parents with an 18 year old foreign exchange student who is from Mongolia and just truly a joy to have in our lives.
I can't remember the point of this post exactly. Obviously it was to talk about the changes that have been taking place in my life-including our new daughter, but I feel like it was probably more than that.
Here's what I assume I wanted to stress:
For so long my reaction to random people telling me they loved me really made me feel bad. My reaction was that I would get all awkward and clam up, and feel like they we expecting me to say it back-but I couldn't. I would feel bad about this because I would reflect on how easy it was for me in my past to say this. I felt like I was lacking in something, and I was worried about whatever I was lacking in effecting my capacity to love potential adopted children-a very real possibility in my future.
But having our new daughter here, even in such a short period of time, has really put my mind to rest on the subject. She's only been with us a short while, but I already know that I love her and will miss her when she's gone. I reflected on something that happened while talking to my therapist, and noted how good it felt to be able to give of myself to this person with out having any expectations of receiving anything in return, yet getting something nonetheless. We are hosting her because we choose to, and we provide for her tutelage and advice because we feel compelled to of own our reasoning, and we don't expect gratitude, thanks, or appreciation in return. So when she out right says it, or does small acts to show it the impact it has is astounding.
I remember remarking upon the fact that I no longer had the looming fear that I would never be able to love an adopted child as I would my own, and I remember saying that I have this experience to thank for it.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
"Love songs are a bunch of shit"
"Love songs are a bunch of shit," is an indirect quote from my therapist on our first meeting.
The first day, we talking about why I was there and what I could expect out of the client-therapist relationship. After mentioning a little about why I was there (marital issues and subsequent depression, cutting, excessive drinking and harmful acts to myself) he said something along the lines of what equated in my brain as that quote.
I decided to make this post because I have been posting in response to a person in the RebootNation forums (click here to see) and I reflected on the very last line I wrote.
I'm not really sure exactly what thoughts are going through my head right now, but I'm sure that as I type out this blog post things will become at least a little more clear. One thing is certain though. I know now that I am the only person who can make myself whole. If I rely on anyone else, then I am doing myself an injustice, and just asking for pain and hardship later on. I can not rely on another person to "make me whole" because I have no control over any other person's actions. If I want to be whole, I have to do it for myself. I can only hope that I find another person who can enhance the wholeness that I've made for myself, and therefore enhance my life.
I guess this song and how enamored I've been with it since first hearing it almost 10 years ago and the strong emotions it's made me feel about my now husband... really are bullshit though. As I type this out, I recall a little more clearly my therapist actually words: "love songs set up false expectations... and make a huge mess out of what people expect to get out of relationships." Again, this is an indirect quote, but I think it really covers the essence of what he said that day and why it stuck out to me.
This song... I felt describe my husband perfectly. He made me whole. He was perfect for me. He provided me with everything I couldn't provide for myself. I should be thankful.... But it's not true.
The first day, we talking about why I was there and what I could expect out of the client-therapist relationship. After mentioning a little about why I was there (marital issues and subsequent depression, cutting, excessive drinking and harmful acts to myself) he said something along the lines of what equated in my brain as that quote.
I decided to make this post because I have been posting in response to a person in the RebootNation forums (click here to see) and I reflected on the very last line I wrote.
In the end, it all comes down to "what do I need to do for myself, so that I can be whole?".That line made me thing of a song that I really love. I love it so much in fact that it is my wedding song. Amel Larrieux - "Make Me Whole"
I'm not really sure exactly what thoughts are going through my head right now, but I'm sure that as I type out this blog post things will become at least a little more clear. One thing is certain though. I know now that I am the only person who can make myself whole. If I rely on anyone else, then I am doing myself an injustice, and just asking for pain and hardship later on. I can not rely on another person to "make me whole" because I have no control over any other person's actions. If I want to be whole, I have to do it for myself. I can only hope that I find another person who can enhance the wholeness that I've made for myself, and therefore enhance my life.
I guess this song and how enamored I've been with it since first hearing it almost 10 years ago and the strong emotions it's made me feel about my now husband... really are bullshit though. As I type this out, I recall a little more clearly my therapist actually words: "love songs set up false expectations... and make a huge mess out of what people expect to get out of relationships." Again, this is an indirect quote, but I think it really covers the essence of what he said that day and why it stuck out to me.
This song... I felt describe my husband perfectly. He made me whole. He was perfect for me. He provided me with everything I couldn't provide for myself. I should be thankful.... But it's not true.
- No one's perfect, and I knew I was lying to myself about him being perfect for me every time I quoted myself in saying, "any relationship can work, so long as the two people involved both want it to, are able to identify the issues, and work to correct them". This is to say, there's no such thing as soul mates, or matches made in heaven. There's only relationships that seem that way because the people in it are willing to work toward it.
- He didn't make me whole... in fact, in trying to have him fill gaps in myself it actually created bigger holes. Blows to my self esteem, self confidence, and self worth all made me feel like less of a person. It wasn't until I finally stopped believing the things he told me, or letting them bother me in the same self diminishing ways that I was able to feel like a real person again.
- I should have been thankful for so many things... but that didn't mean I should have been so thankful that it meant pushing aside all of the problems, looking past them, or letting them slide. I'm still working to identify which attributes belong to what problems, and figuring out if they are worth the battle, but I'm getting there. *
*Example: My husband is a workaholic. He always remarks that he works so hard to provide for us, and our family, and to him that gives him credence and permission to continue down this path. To me, I feel like saying he works hard to provide for our family is great-indeed something to be thankful about-but working so hard that he neglects his family is going too far. It moves from the realm of wanting to fulfill a goal to needing to fulfill an addiction.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Too good to be true.
Right now things are going so smoothly. I secretly have a fear that things are going so well and that it's too good to be true. Meaning, I fear that if it keeps going this well for months to come, it could mean that either he never really had a porn addiction, or that he's still watching porn behind my back.
I know that finding out he never really had a porn addiction sounds like a really good thing, and people would probably think I'm crazy for thinking of it otherwise. But I can't help for feel like if that is the case, there would be some other, unknown, root cause for our sexual and intimacy problems. It would also mean that all of the excuses I've just recently been able to attribute to porn addiction, could no longer be explained away as easily.
Like for example, his lack of wanting intimate, non-sex related contact isn't just because it's another sign and symptom of porn addiction. Or that when he doesn't feel like having sex with me all that often because he's no longer physically attracted to me isn't just because he was trying to explain away his PIED.
Then, I also fear the possibility that things are/will be seeming to go so well because instead of kicking the addiction and going through the shitty withdrawal stages, he's simply just getting better at hiding it and keeping it under wraps.
I honestly don't know which of these two fears are the worst. With the first, we face either having to explore a whole new world of unknowns or accepting that our marriage just isn't going to work. The latter would suck the most out of these two possibilities because it would mean that there is no possibility for change or improvement. It would mean simply having to accept that... those things were really true all along and I've just wasted eight years of my life denying them.
For the second, I really don't know how I would react to finding out he wasn't even trying anymore and just gave in. Or worse, never even really tried to begin with but rather simply became determined to be better at hiding it. I know that I was so firm on saying that this was it and that I wasn't going to do it any more, but... I don't know. The old fears as to why I never left in the past are starting to come up again I think. I think I am more worried about how I would sustain myself and be on my own while going to school than anything else. I also think that that fear is blinding me, or skewing my thoughts about making a firm act. I want to be confident that I will stand my ground and leave him if he's still "using", so I'm ashamed of the fact that the fear of "how/where will I live" might be making me biased or blind.
Also... we have commitments to hosting foreign exchange students and having my nephews come to visit in the summer. So it's very hard to see me leaving because of those commitments.
Then... there's also, "if it was never porn" or "if it doesn't get better even with porn out of the picture". In either of these situations I don't want to find myself living a half life in a loveless marriage.
I know that finding out he never really had a porn addiction sounds like a really good thing, and people would probably think I'm crazy for thinking of it otherwise. But I can't help for feel like if that is the case, there would be some other, unknown, root cause for our sexual and intimacy problems. It would also mean that all of the excuses I've just recently been able to attribute to porn addiction, could no longer be explained away as easily.
Like for example, his lack of wanting intimate, non-sex related contact isn't just because it's another sign and symptom of porn addiction. Or that when he doesn't feel like having sex with me all that often because he's no longer physically attracted to me isn't just because he was trying to explain away his PIED.
Then, I also fear the possibility that things are/will be seeming to go so well because instead of kicking the addiction and going through the shitty withdrawal stages, he's simply just getting better at hiding it and keeping it under wraps.
I honestly don't know which of these two fears are the worst. With the first, we face either having to explore a whole new world of unknowns or accepting that our marriage just isn't going to work. The latter would suck the most out of these two possibilities because it would mean that there is no possibility for change or improvement. It would mean simply having to accept that... those things were really true all along and I've just wasted eight years of my life denying them.
For the second, I really don't know how I would react to finding out he wasn't even trying anymore and just gave in. Or worse, never even really tried to begin with but rather simply became determined to be better at hiding it. I know that I was so firm on saying that this was it and that I wasn't going to do it any more, but... I don't know. The old fears as to why I never left in the past are starting to come up again I think. I think I am more worried about how I would sustain myself and be on my own while going to school than anything else. I also think that that fear is blinding me, or skewing my thoughts about making a firm act. I want to be confident that I will stand my ground and leave him if he's still "using", so I'm ashamed of the fact that the fear of "how/where will I live" might be making me biased or blind.
Also... we have commitments to hosting foreign exchange students and having my nephews come to visit in the summer. So it's very hard to see me leaving because of those commitments.
Then... there's also, "if it was never porn" or "if it doesn't get better even with porn out of the picture". In either of these situations I don't want to find myself living a half life in a loveless marriage.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
"A nice thing with my wife" - That was random.
The other day by husband text me and said, "...if you are not doing ... all day, I would like to catch a movie with you some place nice. If there anything you want to see?" I was so damned excited that I completely forgot that I did indeed have plans that evening even though it wasn't what he'd mentioned in the ... part. When I remembered I let my friend know what was happening and plans changed.
For my birthday, by husband wanted to two things: dinner at my favorite restaurant and a movie at a place with more than 4 screens, aka "some place nice". Unfortunately he didn't think things through all the way because he also made plans to tutor someone the day of, so we only ended up doing dinner.
When he text me though, I was so freaking excited. I honestly felt like he was trying to make up for the day before when he really pissed me off. The day before we both had appointments to give blood at a local blood drive, but because he was running late we just met there. We talked about what we were doing after and were considering dinner and decided that we were going to be going our separate ways. I was going to go to the lodge meeting and he was going to go home and try to sleep. When we were all done and walking to our cars he was distracted by his phone.
Call me crazy, but it's been a thing I've insisted on for almost 10 years now: when ever we part ways we don't ever do so without kissing good bye, even when he's just leaving the room. Well, he didn't. He didn't even say, "bye, I'll see you at home." I was mad, because I had no intention of going home and he wasn't going to see me for the rest of the night. I went home anyways, just to try to get that kiss and he wouldn't even meet me at the bottom of the stairs.
I left the house mad. So when I get this text the next day, I got all excited thinking that it was his was of making up for things. Nope. It was his was of trying to complete his original plans for my birthday. I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't another sweet gesture for being an ass, but I'm not stupid. I'll take what ever sweet things I can where ever I can.
For my birthday, by husband wanted to two things: dinner at my favorite restaurant and a movie at a place with more than 4 screens, aka "some place nice". Unfortunately he didn't think things through all the way because he also made plans to tutor someone the day of, so we only ended up doing dinner.
When he text me though, I was so freaking excited. I honestly felt like he was trying to make up for the day before when he really pissed me off. The day before we both had appointments to give blood at a local blood drive, but because he was running late we just met there. We talked about what we were doing after and were considering dinner and decided that we were going to be going our separate ways. I was going to go to the lodge meeting and he was going to go home and try to sleep. When we were all done and walking to our cars he was distracted by his phone.
Call me crazy, but it's been a thing I've insisted on for almost 10 years now: when ever we part ways we don't ever do so without kissing good bye, even when he's just leaving the room. Well, he didn't. He didn't even say, "bye, I'll see you at home." I was mad, because I had no intention of going home and he wasn't going to see me for the rest of the night. I went home anyways, just to try to get that kiss and he wouldn't even meet me at the bottom of the stairs.
I left the house mad. So when I get this text the next day, I got all excited thinking that it was his was of making up for things. Nope. It was his was of trying to complete his original plans for my birthday. I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't another sweet gesture for being an ass, but I'm not stupid. I'll take what ever sweet things I can where ever I can.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
First day and he made me cry
A couple of weeks ago I officially worked my first day as a CNA. I know that it's really nothing special to a lot of people, but to me it was very exciting. Not only was it the first time I really worked in a long time (aside from random tutoring), but it was also using something that I worked very hard to earn and not just some job that any ol' person could just up and apply to and do.
Not only was it my first day, but I also happened to get paid as well. I was stoked and decided that I wanted to do something to celebrate and use my first check to do so. I decided to drive to my husband's work which is about 45 minutes away, and pick him up and take him with me to go to the big uniform outlet that has a huge selection of scrubs. When I started driving I called him. He didn't pick up and I tried a few more times. Eventually I decided to just call his work and ask them to send me to his desk. Turns out he left his phone in his car.
Anyways, I told him I was on my way and would be there shortly and to be ready to leave because I wanted to celebrate my first day/first check. I got the just after he should have been done for the day. He told me that there was a few things left for him to have to do at work and that I would either have to wait or that he would have to do it when we got home and what ever I wanted to do couldn't take long. I was in a good mood, and had been trying hard lately to be more understanding, so I told him not to worry, just get it done and I would walk around while I waited to get some steps in.
When he finally called me to let me know he was ready to go, I met him and told him to hop in. Instead we decided to leave his car at the half way point so we wouldn't have to go out of our way on the return. During the drive the first thing he did was start to bitch about his bad day and all of the reasons why it was a bad day. At first it didn't bother me because it was a norm. He would get off work, I would ask how his day went, he would bitch for a while and then that would be that. I used to get all flustered and want to do something to make his day better, but after a long hard while, I eventually figured out there was nothing I could do. Even now though, I still listen and sometimes try to give him advice. This went from saying, "you need too..." to "if I were in the position..." or "have you considered...". Huge improvements, but that's besides the point. When he first started in complaining I just sort of went with it. I knew he was having a bad day and wanted to be there to lend an ear. After a while though it really started to kill the mood.
When he finally got done complaining, he whipped out his laptop and work phone (to tether internet) and began doing more work. I want to say in hindsight that maybe he said something about still having stuff to do, but not wanting to be there to do it any more. This really annoyed me because I hadn't yet had the chance to tell him about my day. When we finally got to the uniform store I got out and expected him to as well. He didn't though. I went inside and began trying to make my selection. I tried to make the best out of the situation by telling myself I could pick out the ones I really liked and have his opinion of the final decision when he finally wrapped up and came inside. He never came. As I was checking out, I noticed a 2 pack of shiny CNA pins. Again, I tried to make the best of the situation and tell myself at least he could pin me. I made my purchases and walked out only to see he didn't even notice me. I decided to give him some time to wrap up so I walked around the outlet for a while. When I got bored I decided to watch from a ways away and noticed he was all done, but still sitting in the car. He didn't even message me to let me know.
At this point I was so mad that I stuffed my purchase into my left pocket where I knew he wouldn't see as I drove and got in the car. He asked if I got anything and all I could say was maybe. He tried to ask me more, but I didn't want to speak. I told my therapist this tale, and at first he remarked that it was funny that I knew I wasn't going to say anything yet the response I have him was one that begged for more questions. I told him that what actually happened was that I didn't want to give him the pleasure of knowing I did buy something, but I also didn't want to lie.
I didn't say a word the entire drive back to his car. I just cried silently. For some reason I even tried to hide my tears. When I got home I went straight to bed even though it was only 6 because I didn't want to say anything to him. To be truthful, I don't know what I would have said. I had so many emotions, questions, feelings stirring inside of me that I didn't even know where to start yet at the same time I was resolved not to say anything at all. If he didn't know where he fucked up at I didn't want to know. If he knew where he fucked up, I didn't want to hear any excuses. Even thinking about it now makes me tear up.
I laid in bed trying to sleep for about an hour before I noticed he should have been home already. Part of me was irritated and thinking that he went off on a drive to "clear his head" because he somehow felt affronted by my coldness. He does that a lot. I get mad at him about something and instead of feeling bad or repentant he gets mad like he's the one who was somehow wronged. Then I started to worry that he might have gotten into an accident because he was driving while so worked up.
It turned out that neither was right. He went to the grocery store and bought me flowers and a card. When I saw them I still didn't say anything but because I couldn't. He had only ever bought be flowers 3 times before: twice for my birthday and once for Valentine's day, two times when we were hardly a year dating and once because a coworker saw on my facebook page that it was all I really wanted.
It was so strange how quickly I forgave him, but it was also so strange how clearly he understood why I was so upset. I also remember thinking, "oh, this is what it takes to get a nice gesture from him?"
Not only was it my first day, but I also happened to get paid as well. I was stoked and decided that I wanted to do something to celebrate and use my first check to do so. I decided to drive to my husband's work which is about 45 minutes away, and pick him up and take him with me to go to the big uniform outlet that has a huge selection of scrubs. When I started driving I called him. He didn't pick up and I tried a few more times. Eventually I decided to just call his work and ask them to send me to his desk. Turns out he left his phone in his car.
Anyways, I told him I was on my way and would be there shortly and to be ready to leave because I wanted to celebrate my first day/first check. I got the just after he should have been done for the day. He told me that there was a few things left for him to have to do at work and that I would either have to wait or that he would have to do it when we got home and what ever I wanted to do couldn't take long. I was in a good mood, and had been trying hard lately to be more understanding, so I told him not to worry, just get it done and I would walk around while I waited to get some steps in.
When he finally called me to let me know he was ready to go, I met him and told him to hop in. Instead we decided to leave his car at the half way point so we wouldn't have to go out of our way on the return. During the drive the first thing he did was start to bitch about his bad day and all of the reasons why it was a bad day. At first it didn't bother me because it was a norm. He would get off work, I would ask how his day went, he would bitch for a while and then that would be that. I used to get all flustered and want to do something to make his day better, but after a long hard while, I eventually figured out there was nothing I could do. Even now though, I still listen and sometimes try to give him advice. This went from saying, "you need too..." to "if I were in the position..." or "have you considered...". Huge improvements, but that's besides the point. When he first started in complaining I just sort of went with it. I knew he was having a bad day and wanted to be there to lend an ear. After a while though it really started to kill the mood.
When he finally got done complaining, he whipped out his laptop and work phone (to tether internet) and began doing more work. I want to say in hindsight that maybe he said something about still having stuff to do, but not wanting to be there to do it any more. This really annoyed me because I hadn't yet had the chance to tell him about my day. When we finally got to the uniform store I got out and expected him to as well. He didn't though. I went inside and began trying to make my selection. I tried to make the best out of the situation by telling myself I could pick out the ones I really liked and have his opinion of the final decision when he finally wrapped up and came inside. He never came. As I was checking out, I noticed a 2 pack of shiny CNA pins. Again, I tried to make the best of the situation and tell myself at least he could pin me. I made my purchases and walked out only to see he didn't even notice me. I decided to give him some time to wrap up so I walked around the outlet for a while. When I got bored I decided to watch from a ways away and noticed he was all done, but still sitting in the car. He didn't even message me to let me know.
At this point I was so mad that I stuffed my purchase into my left pocket where I knew he wouldn't see as I drove and got in the car. He asked if I got anything and all I could say was maybe. He tried to ask me more, but I didn't want to speak. I told my therapist this tale, and at first he remarked that it was funny that I knew I wasn't going to say anything yet the response I have him was one that begged for more questions. I told him that what actually happened was that I didn't want to give him the pleasure of knowing I did buy something, but I also didn't want to lie.
I didn't say a word the entire drive back to his car. I just cried silently. For some reason I even tried to hide my tears. When I got home I went straight to bed even though it was only 6 because I didn't want to say anything to him. To be truthful, I don't know what I would have said. I had so many emotions, questions, feelings stirring inside of me that I didn't even know where to start yet at the same time I was resolved not to say anything at all. If he didn't know where he fucked up at I didn't want to know. If he knew where he fucked up, I didn't want to hear any excuses. Even thinking about it now makes me tear up.
I laid in bed trying to sleep for about an hour before I noticed he should have been home already. Part of me was irritated and thinking that he went off on a drive to "clear his head" because he somehow felt affronted by my coldness. He does that a lot. I get mad at him about something and instead of feeling bad or repentant he gets mad like he's the one who was somehow wronged. Then I started to worry that he might have gotten into an accident because he was driving while so worked up.
It turned out that neither was right. He went to the grocery store and bought me flowers and a card. When I saw them I still didn't say anything but because I couldn't. He had only ever bought be flowers 3 times before: twice for my birthday and once for Valentine's day, two times when we were hardly a year dating and once because a coworker saw on my facebook page that it was all I really wanted.
It was so strange how quickly I forgave him, but it was also so strange how clearly he understood why I was so upset. I also remember thinking, "oh, this is what it takes to get a nice gesture from him?"
Friday, January 30, 2015
Don Jon - A movie about porn addiction... sort of.
I heard of this movie through the Rebootnation.org forum and decided to watch it. I replied to post with my thoughts, but I wanted to archive it here too.
Reply #1:
I watched it by myself via Netflix. I didn't want to feel like iwas rubbing anything in my husband's face, and I'm glad idid. There was way too much flashes for a reboot er (imo).Reply #2:
I'm glad I watched it because ithink it's interesting the popular media addressed pa, but I think it totally understand played the reality of it all. I would have liked it better if they impressed more pa issues like ed.
So, when I replied last, I was using my phone, it was late and I just wanted to be sure to put something out there in response. As you can tell, it was pretty brief and poorly written. My opinions still stands in that it's probably not a good idea for early rebooters to watch it as "username" so helpfully advised.
I'm not really sure why I'm replying again. I feel like my last response did not adequately cover my feelings about the movie, yet as I think of what to put, it seems like I'm just trying to repeat the same thing. I suppose this is because I feel a little frustrated.
Because of my own personal experiences, I feel like porn addiction is... Well, I feel like the subject of porn addiction is serious. This movie is meant to be a comedy (romance-comedy-drama). In that, it does a very good job. If I didn't know what porn addiction was a real and serious thing I probably would have liked the movie a lot because of the amazing job the actors did, and the relative smoothness of the plot as it played out. Without a doubt, it was a good movie.
However, because porn addiction and all of the subsequent problems it causes is personal to me, it bothered me that they underplayed the seriousness of the subject. Like I mentioned, I think it would have been better if they included something like Erectile Dysfunction, or showed the long road of lies. I know they touched on the poorer quality of sex, but it was only a little and they made it seemed more like something only an experienced person would notice - and notice right away. They also showed some of the lying that came along, but not the extent to which it would otherwise occur. Yeah Jon lied to his lady friend, but he only had to do it twice. It didn't portray the hurt that a partner feels of being lied to over and over for the years most of us go through.
I know if it had include many of the ways to more accurately depict PA, the movie would have been a different movie all together though, so I'm not ragging on them for what they produced. I still think it was a good movie. I guess I'm just saying I wish there was an equally good movie out there that also included many of the things listed above. Maybe even add in some of the science behind it so that viewers could learn a little about the validity of this addiction by simply watching.
There was also a response from the site owner (I think) that also made a good point. I'll let you read that for yourself here.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
My therapist doesn't seem to think PA is a real thing
I'm pretty sure that a while ago I made a post about my husband coming into one of my therapy appointments with me sometime after he got home from "that fateful trip". It wasn't planned or anything. He just happened to be home so I invited him and he came. We were running late because there was a truck in front of the house so we couldn't leave. (We were having our new bed delivered.)
Anyways, during that appointment we brought up Porn addiction, and the possibility that my husband had it, and that it was the root of so many of our problems. Though he seemed to listen and take it into consideration, it was pretty apparent that during that appointment he wanted to push aside porn addiction as the problem, and talk about this as a whole. Then, in subsequent visits, when ever the subject gets brought up, I can't help but to feel like he doesn't really know anything about it. Not only that, but I feel that it's his lack of knowledge that makes it impossible to talk about the subject with him. Whenever some porn addiction related issue gets brought up, he wants to explore reasons why and shit, and I'm like, "there's nothing to explore here, it's a waste of time. Understand that it's porn addiction so we can move on from the cause to how if affects me."
Instead of being able to talk about my feelings on the subject and how if affects me, I feel like I have to defend my feelings. It's really frustrating and honestly makes me mad. I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that research on the subject is so new, and he's been practicing for so long that he's probably never had cause to encounter it before, but I really don't like being the route of learning for him.
I really just want to say, "Here. Here's a bunch of links to studies and videos, and here are a whole bunch of other people who are suffering too." I want to show him that there is legitimate research, and legitimate psychological affects on people who have this addiction and their partners. I've sent him an email today about something else entirely, but also made a point to include my feelings as an afterword. I also said to expect a 12 page email with more information.
Why am I so mad right now?
Anyways, during that appointment we brought up Porn addiction, and the possibility that my husband had it, and that it was the root of so many of our problems. Though he seemed to listen and take it into consideration, it was pretty apparent that during that appointment he wanted to push aside porn addiction as the problem, and talk about this as a whole. Then, in subsequent visits, when ever the subject gets brought up, I can't help but to feel like he doesn't really know anything about it. Not only that, but I feel that it's his lack of knowledge that makes it impossible to talk about the subject with him. Whenever some porn addiction related issue gets brought up, he wants to explore reasons why and shit, and I'm like, "there's nothing to explore here, it's a waste of time. Understand that it's porn addiction so we can move on from the cause to how if affects me."
Instead of being able to talk about my feelings on the subject and how if affects me, I feel like I have to defend my feelings. It's really frustrating and honestly makes me mad. I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that research on the subject is so new, and he's been practicing for so long that he's probably never had cause to encounter it before, but I really don't like being the route of learning for him.
I really just want to say, "Here. Here's a bunch of links to studies and videos, and here are a whole bunch of other people who are suffering too." I want to show him that there is legitimate research, and legitimate psychological affects on people who have this addiction and their partners. I've sent him an email today about something else entirely, but also made a point to include my feelings as an afterword. I also said to expect a 12 page email with more information.
Why am I so mad right now?
Monday, January 26, 2015
Day 67
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 20 days since my last confession"
Oh what a loaded line this is.
This line comes to mind because when I clicked the link to make a new post and the text box popped up, I worked through variations of different words to start this post in my head and they all seemed to want to say they same thing, "Sorry to my readers and to myself. It's been 20 days since I've made a post." Every single way those thoughts formed themselves into words in my mind all seemed to have the same resonance-and it reminded me of how I used to recite the quoted words above in my mind each time I would go to confession back in my Catholic days. This line is also apt because it was a recurring theme in a movie I recently watched called "Don Jon".
On to the rest of today's update: I'm going to give a few updates to things I think I've mentioned before as well as simply going to talk about some of the things that have been keeping be busy lately, everything else will likely get it's own post.
School Applications: I've applied to two separate school's Nursing programs. I feel like I've mentioned this before, but I'm going to go into some detail here just in case.
Oh what a loaded line this is.
This line comes to mind because when I clicked the link to make a new post and the text box popped up, I worked through variations of different words to start this post in my head and they all seemed to want to say they same thing, "Sorry to my readers and to myself. It's been 20 days since I've made a post." Every single way those thoughts formed themselves into words in my mind all seemed to have the same resonance-and it reminded me of how I used to recite the quoted words above in my mind each time I would go to confession back in my Catholic days. This line is also apt because it was a recurring theme in a movie I recently watched called "Don Jon".
I want to preface the rest of this post by saying that: even though I haven't posted anything in about 3 weeks, and though there was little between the last post and the one before it, it's not for lack of eventfulness. Things have happened, and I will be spending my entire morning writing about it. I'm just not going to make this post a 20 pager. I'm going to try to break down the events of the last few weeks into separate post so that they are more easily digested. I'm also going to schedule the days and times they will be posted to be more spread out in case any of you are subscribed. I don't want you to be bombarded.
On to the rest of today's update: I'm going to give a few updates to things I think I've mentioned before as well as simply going to talk about some of the things that have been keeping be busy lately, everything else will likely get it's own post.
School Applications: I've applied to two separate school's Nursing programs. I feel like I've mentioned this before, but I'm going to go into some detail here just in case.
- One school's program that I've applied to is actually the school I've been going to since I started the prerequisites. The campus that houses the program is about an hour's drive and is relatively small and new. They only have one hospital in which they do clinical rotations at regularly, though they do have other places for a week or so here and there. The first term of classes is also only from 8:30-3:30 4 days a week
- The other school is about an hour and a half away, and is one of the oldest programs in the state. The do their clinical at several of the larger hospitals in the Greater Seattle area including many of the places I hope to one day work for. The first term with them will be 7:30-5:00 5 days a week.
Each school has it's pro's and con's including the commute and number of days a week. Go figure the school I'd rather go to (which I perceive as having the better program) has almost 20 more hours of in class time.
The application process to each of these schools is different, but I have completed both already and now it's the hurry up and wait game. For the first school listed, the waiting consist of merely waiting until the go through and quantify all of the applicants on a 100 point based system (I have 94.4 points) which means I should be getting my response back relatively soon seeing as how the students who are accepted still have to do all of their immunizations and background check. For the other school, you have an earlier dead line and a lot more to do before hand including all of the immunizations and background check, yet it's not until after all of that expensive rigmarole is done, that they invite you to take the make-or-break entrance exam. Like I said, I've already taken it, so for me it, I just have to wait until everyone takes the test, the scores are in, and they quantify students. The waiting process for them will be much longer even though I completed my application well before hand.
ADD
This is the next subject to update about because it's not getting it's own post, but does play a major roll in my everyday life. In fact, as I was typing out everything about nursing school applications above, I kept getting distracted by trying to learn more information and getting updates. So much so that I completely for got some of the other updates I wanted to talk about until just now. I haven't been very good about taking my meds regularly and it's mostly because I've been waking up too late to take them. I also have been having a hard time falling asleep at a reasonable hour which only adds to the sleeping in late.
Volunteer Work
A friend from the lodge is going to be in an important officer position starting in April. She asked me to play a pretty big roll during this up coming year, and it's one I've been wanting to play for some time now. I accepted in part because it's hard for me to say no, but also because what she's asking of me is something I would like to do. She asked me to head the membership committee. In theory, it's not that much work, but the hard part is going to be to get things started, so that it can operate with minimal effort on my part.
Another thing I've been doing is planning the Easter party. We got a small grant of $850 and it has to be used to benefit under privileged children. We knew for a long time that we had the money, that it was going to be used for this holiday, and the demographic it had to be used for, yet no one really did anything to start the process rolling. For a long time I'd noticed that things at the lodge get pulled together at the last minute, and there's always a lot of gripe about how it could have been done better. I'm not the kind of person who is OK with complaining with no plans for action to correct the complaint. In fact, I much rather avoid the complaints all together. So, I took it over. I got a lot of the ground work done, but there's still a lot left to do. Here's hoping all goes well.
Health and Fitness
I made a few goals at the start of the year. So far, I haven't been very good at keeping them.
- Classes at the gym three times a week: of the 4 official weeks so far this year, I've only missed one class, and did a 30 minute class for another.
- 10,000 steps at least 4 days a week: this was meant to be done on the days I didn't go to the gym, but after the first week I felt comfortable with settling for any 4 days. Same for this, I've only missed one day. BUT it wasn't in the same week that I missed the class.
- Salad as a meal 3 days a week: this is by far the hardest one. I said I would do this for only 3 months because I knew I would get worn out on salad, and I was right. It doesn't help that the best value is the big $5 container that last a really long time and usually goes bad by the last salad. There was one week I only had 1 salad the whole week (probably, I didn't seem to track ANYTHING that week), and last week, I only had 2 salads for a meal, but did have two side salads along with a meal. I counted it.
- Running: The goal was to be able to run the lagoon without stopping. I meant to give it a go a couple of times a week to help build up stamina. I only did that once though. I suppose this isn't a complete fail since I still have 5 days to make it.
Other:
This is getting long so this is going to be the last update I make. I've been really good about cleaning the house. This is a huge deal to me since for so long it was a sign to myself that I was a bad wife. I also thought it had a lot to do with why my husband didn't seem to love me. It turned out that it had a lot to do with having ADD though. I figured that once I started the meds, I would get better. It wasn't like an on and off switch though. It's been a slow and grueling process, but I happy to say that it's leagues better now, and I hope it keeps improving.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
An almost relapse
My husband told me today that he almost had a relapse. I was in such shock that it was hard for me to follow him when he began to tell me about the rights that went through his head and the feelings that he had because of them.
I don't currently have any thoughts of the matter as I'm still a little shocked, but I can go a little into how he seems to be felling. He seems to be beating himself up quite a lot. I hate setting him like this....
Friday, January 2, 2015
Happy New Year - Week 6
Life for me has been simply and consistent for the last month. Even though this sounds really boring, I can assure you it has not been, and I have been really happy. I know I haven't really posted lately, and I have mixed feeling about that. Part of the reason I haven't posted is because I simply haven't had the time. Another part is because the subject matter of this blog hasn't really been on the forefront of my mind. I think that both of these things are good things.
Weekly update: I had originally intended to post an update every week about what's been happening during the past 7 days. Obviously I skipped last week as it was Christmas and I missed yesterday as it was New Years. I guess that's what I get for picking a Thursday to be the day I make a stand.
So, I'm going to try my best to make this sweet and simple and hopefully to the point. As far as quitting is concerned, for my husband things seem to be going well. I did ask him the other day for a quick update on how things have been for him and he admitted to me that things have been getting a little hard. He was tempted not too long ago and even asked himself "why not?" He told me he didn't though because his answer to himself was "why should I?" I'm really proud of him. I'm not just proud of him for over coming an urge though. I'm most proud of the fact that he was able to tell me about it so freely. He didn't have to force himself or struggle with getting the words out. This makes me thing it's something he's done a fair amount of thinking on, and I feel like mindfulness is going to be a strength to him in the hard times. He didn't choose to tell me about it without prompting, and I'm OK with that. I don't want to feel like a Catholic priest he has to confess his sins and urges to.
During the same conversation he also mentioned that he saw an ad for a T-shirt company and commented on their advertising tactic of using the skinniest girl with the biggest breast and the tightest shirt to catch people's attention. He told me that he caught himself staring just a little to hard at it for a little too long. I can't be completely sure, but it seemed like he had reprimanded himself about and didn't feel too good about himself afterwards. It didn't seem like he beat himself up too much though, and I really hope he didn't. He can be very pessimistic and also a very hard judge of himself. I often feel like those qualities do more harm than good, and really encourage him to see the brighter side of things whenever I can.
I do have to admit that I'm a little relieved to hear that he is having some struggles. I know I've mentioned this in the past and it still stands: I worry that if things seem to be going too easily, then it means something I don't want. It could be that he's relapsed and feels too ashamed or worried about the repercussions to tell me, or it could mean that it was never really a porn addiction to begin with and figuring out what our problems were needed a whole new approach. I don't think I could handle the latter option.
The frequency of sex has declined again. It wasn't until just now that I've started to think that negative things could be a contributing factor. I don't "have that gut feeling" or anything, it's just that in reflecting back I have to honestly acknowledge it's a possibility. I feel more inclined to believe the biggest cause is the medication he's been taking for about a month now. It's in the drug class benzodiazepines which also includes Xanax. He was prescribed this for sleep problems because when he was taking Xanax it didn't really seem to help. This stuff is really allowing him to finally get some restful deep sleep-he even snores now that he's sleeping so deeply. The listed side effects does include a decrease in interest in sex, but is one of the less common side effects.
He does experience some of the more common side effects and they are pretty undesirable, but he's set on continuing to take this medicine for the prescribed two months. I fully back him on this decision even if I really hate the side effects. I would rather take the grumpy him caused by the medicine than the dumpy him caused by a lack of sleep if it means this might help him out. The doctor doesn't want him taking this medicine for more than two months though, so I am concerned about what sleep will be like for him after that.
I do have to mention that in addition to the decreased frequency and the decreased desire for sex the last time we had sex he was unable to maintain a full erection. That is also one of the less common side effects, but I think it's also an effect of relapse. He hasn't mentioned that he's relapsed though, and I want to believe that he hasn't. He does get erections in his sleep though-almost every night.
Speaking of fitness, here are my goals:
Weekly update: I had originally intended to post an update every week about what's been happening during the past 7 days. Obviously I skipped last week as it was Christmas and I missed yesterday as it was New Years. I guess that's what I get for picking a Thursday to be the day I make a stand.
So, I'm going to try my best to make this sweet and simple and hopefully to the point. As far as quitting is concerned, for my husband things seem to be going well. I did ask him the other day for a quick update on how things have been for him and he admitted to me that things have been getting a little hard. He was tempted not too long ago and even asked himself "why not?" He told me he didn't though because his answer to himself was "why should I?" I'm really proud of him. I'm not just proud of him for over coming an urge though. I'm most proud of the fact that he was able to tell me about it so freely. He didn't have to force himself or struggle with getting the words out. This makes me thing it's something he's done a fair amount of thinking on, and I feel like mindfulness is going to be a strength to him in the hard times. He didn't choose to tell me about it without prompting, and I'm OK with that. I don't want to feel like a Catholic priest he has to confess his sins and urges to.
During the same conversation he also mentioned that he saw an ad for a T-shirt company and commented on their advertising tactic of using the skinniest girl with the biggest breast and the tightest shirt to catch people's attention. He told me that he caught himself staring just a little to hard at it for a little too long. I can't be completely sure, but it seemed like he had reprimanded himself about and didn't feel too good about himself afterwards. It didn't seem like he beat himself up too much though, and I really hope he didn't. He can be very pessimistic and also a very hard judge of himself. I often feel like those qualities do more harm than good, and really encourage him to see the brighter side of things whenever I can.
I do have to admit that I'm a little relieved to hear that he is having some struggles. I know I've mentioned this in the past and it still stands: I worry that if things seem to be going too easily, then it means something I don't want. It could be that he's relapsed and feels too ashamed or worried about the repercussions to tell me, or it could mean that it was never really a porn addiction to begin with and figuring out what our problems were needed a whole new approach. I don't think I could handle the latter option.
The frequency of sex has declined again. It wasn't until just now that I've started to think that negative things could be a contributing factor. I don't "have that gut feeling" or anything, it's just that in reflecting back I have to honestly acknowledge it's a possibility. I feel more inclined to believe the biggest cause is the medication he's been taking for about a month now. It's in the drug class benzodiazepines which also includes Xanax. He was prescribed this for sleep problems because when he was taking Xanax it didn't really seem to help. This stuff is really allowing him to finally get some restful deep sleep-he even snores now that he's sleeping so deeply. The listed side effects does include a decrease in interest in sex, but is one of the less common side effects.
He does experience some of the more common side effects and they are pretty undesirable, but he's set on continuing to take this medicine for the prescribed two months. I fully back him on this decision even if I really hate the side effects. I would rather take the grumpy him caused by the medicine than the dumpy him caused by a lack of sleep if it means this might help him out. The doctor doesn't want him taking this medicine for more than two months though, so I am concerned about what sleep will be like for him after that.
I do have to mention that in addition to the decreased frequency and the decreased desire for sex the last time we had sex he was unable to maintain a full erection. That is also one of the less common side effects, but I think it's also an effect of relapse. He hasn't mentioned that he's relapsed though, and I want to believe that he hasn't. He does get erections in his sleep though-almost every night.
*****************
As for me: I'm right at the deadline for my nursing school applications, then it's time to play the waiting game. All of the things I've needed to do in order to complete my application packets are what's been keeping me the most busy. The things that I need to do don't even take a lot of time. They just take a lot of my thoughts. I've also been keeping busy with my physical fitness. I'm so happy about this. I "ran" my first 5K on New Years Day (yesterday), and I even help stack the cones afterward. We live in a windy place, so those fuckers we heavy! I felt the aches yesterday worse that I do today though. Well, except for when I attempted to go to yoga this morning. I just couldn't keep up because of the muscle soreness. I've never considered myself a runner. The most I've ever ran in the past was to the bathroom if I'd been holding it for too long. BUT after this 5K I feel really inspired to do it a little more often. We have a lagoon at the local park that was part of the route for the 5K, and I've set a goal to be able to run the whole thing without stopping by the end of the month. It's only about a quarter of a mile, and I feel pretty confident I can do it if I just keep trying every other day or so.Speaking of fitness, here are my goals:
- Go to a class at the gym at least 3 times a week until classes start in April
- Hit 10,000 steps on my fitness tracking bracelet at least 4 times a week-forever!
- Eat a salad for dinner at lease 3 times a week until classes start in April.
- Run the lagoon non stop by the end of the month.
These all seem pretty reasonable to me. I was making it to classes about twice a week during December so COMMITTING myself to doing that plus one shouldn't be so hard. Also, I used to hit 10k steps everyday over the summer. All I did was walk about 4 laps around my neighborhood if I didn't get anything done at all that day-it only took about an hour. If I do follow through with the lagoon goal, it should take care of a great majority of the steps. The salad goal is the only one I see a potential problem with. I set it to only 3x a week because I know it's pretty easy to get burned out on something if you do it everyday. I figure that the other four days a week should help to satiate my cravings for other things reasonably well.
Well, that's it for now. Good luck in your own rebooting journey and what ever your resolutions are.
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