Almost 4 weeks in, and first real issue

It's only been 4 weeks since my husband has officially started his reboot, yet it feels like it's been that long since my last post. Not a whole lot has happened and I'm not really sure how I feel. On the sex front, we've only had sex one time since he's come home from his last work trip. He woke me up when he started running on my "front butt" (something one of the nieces said many years ago), and one thing led to another and bam! Sex. It was actually really great, but it was the last time we had sex. I remember wondering shortly after if him having sex with me in the middle of the morning was his way of just making sure we got one in-you know, just to keep the count up.

In the time since, I've been trying very hard not to pressure him into having sex with me. I've mentioned once or twice that I would really like to try to have sex on this day or that, but also made sure to tell him it was OK if we didn't. There have been several occasions in which I've attempted to stimulate his parts, but things have been entirely flaccid.

There are two possibilities that come to mind to explain why this may be happening. The thing that pops up the most is that he may be experiencing a flat line. I don't know a whole lot about flat lines, how soon they can occur, how long they will last, if there's any reason to feel concerned etc.
I don't think there's anything wrong with these "dry spells" though. They seem to be a normal occurrence. I just wish I knew more.

The other possible culprit would be the new meds he's supposed to be taking for sleeping. It falls into the Benzodiazepine class of drugs so the side effects can be pretty... pungent. I wish he's never read up on the side effects though. He's so much like his mother in that when he reads about something all of a sudden he's experiencing it too. I'm not saying that he's not sincerely experiencing some of the side effects though. Rather, what I mean to say is that because he knows they are side effects of the meds, it gives his brain an excuse to continue exhibiting those side effects. If he didn't know they were side effects of the meds, he would work a little harder to combat them rather than just let them roll over him.

If it were me. What I would do if I Planned to Quit.

I wanted to make a post about what I would do if I were the one quitting porn. I've been thinking about this post for a while but haven't found the time to get it done. Every time I think about at least starting a draft though, the things I would do change a little. That being said, consider this a living post. I'll post it as is when I'm done, but I expect to continually make changes to it as time goes on and ideas and reasoning change.

This post is going to be very biased. All of the things I'm going to list and talk about are probably honestly just going to be the things I want my husband to do while he's quitting, and not just things I would do.

First Steps:

• Move computer into bedroom. You've probably seen this mentioned a few times before, but here's a little more detail about it. I would move the computer (desktop) and desk into the bedroom. I would choose the bedroom because for the two of us, it's the most communal spot. Neither of us are often found in the living room or dining room, and the computers are currently in out own rooms. It worked out before for camaraderie reasons when we had them in the same room that was not the bed room, but the next point. There's a tendency to hit the web in the wee hours of the night for both of us. Not only is doing this in a solitaire environment a trigger to bad activities and as such should be avoided, but it's also missing the accountability partner factor during those hours. True that if both computers were in a common area it would be very easy to have someone there to discourage bad behaviors, it doesn't account for night time use when the other person is sleeping. At lease if I were to have the computer in the bedroom I wouldn't really feel comfortable doing the things you disapprove of. 
• Delete all porn: This ones kind of a no brain-er, but it may prove to be harder than you think. This includes not only the files on the computer that are images or videos, but also the files with links, book marks, torrent things, whatever. Hidden folders and encrypted files are something to look for too. Also, those funny little memes and what not.
• Create a new email account: Why do this? Well, see some of the goals below. Some of the goals include identifying and removing all triggers, and decreasing overall internet use. If I were like you and had a significant number of porn related promotional emails, I would find it very easy to get distracted and then-eventually, possibly even-triggered to re-embrace bad habits. So, rather than wasting a lot of time, effort and energy in trying to clear out subscriptions, great filters, and delete old mail, it would simply be a heck of a lot easier to just create a new email address and be sure that important real live people knew it. I could probably even skip that and simply use our joint email address for a while. 
• Forward emails from only the most important addresses/people to the new account. This includes creating a filter to forward mail from family and friends. If they aren't already in your address book, chances are they don't have your email, so that should help make things easier. 
• Also, update only the most important accounts to have the new address. The most important accounts would include and billing companies or utilities, banks or investments. Maybe loyalty programs - depending on who their for. 
• Share all of the passwords to every email address with you. This has a couple of reasons behind it. First, I would want to show you trust, and hope that this allows you to feel more like you can trust me too. Second, those email addresses should be checked from time to time for important mail. Third, it would be good to have another person weed through the crap, and start creating filters so that the unwanted triggers don't get through.
• Use a dumb phone: So, it's no secret that smart phones are a very easy and convenient way to be connected to the internet. It's that very same connection that also makes it so easy to be tempted to relapse. The way I see it, it's better safe than sorry. Besides, what were the reasons to get a smart phone to begin with? Be able to check email as it comes it, quick access to information, and the ability to waste time in an efficient manner. 
• Since I would be pairing down to only one email address, this really shouldn't be a problem if I'm working toward my goals.
• What kind of information would I need quick access to that I can't just use a computer to get. Yeah, so what if it sucks not being able to look up the name of that song that's been stuck in your head for the last 30 minutes? Or directions to that store you wanted to visit. None of these things are things that can't be remedied by either writing it down as a note to myself, or by planning ahead. In fact, a day planner would make an excellent substitution, and would also help to make better use of time (perhaps).
• Waste time efficiently. Seriously? So what if I like to peruse Facebook or Pinterest when I don't feel like doing anything else... That's the sort of thing that is anything but conducive to kicking an internet related addiction. 

Goals:

• Decrease overall internet use: With internet related addictions and the hope of quitting them, comes the need to reduce internet use over all. A lot of the time spent wandering around aimless on the internet mostly often leads to switching over to porn. Not only that, but the act of constantly searching and clicking in order to get new content is very similar to the things that made porn so addicting to begin with. Decreasing over all internet use does a few things:
• Removes the temptation from aimlessly click from one random thing over to aimlessly click to porn. 
• A little more than half of my time spent on the internet is spent doing things that are in no way shape or form productive. 
• Frees up time to do things I've been wanting to do but just haven't have the time. 
• Track internet usage when used: I suggest/ it is a goal to track actual usage for a couple of reasons (listed below). I also think that having a printed spread sheet to track with and a timer or interval timer would be useful in meeting this goal. Also, if mobile devices are out of the question, having a camera set up to record while I use the internet might also make tracking actual use easier. Knowing that I should turn on a camera each time I begin the use of the internet is one of those things that could serve as a deterrent. If I know I have an eye watching me, I wouldn't be so easy for me to casually click over for just a minute, or if I consciously decided not to turn on the camera because I knew I had intentions, it could serve as an ethical reminder. 
• To see how much time I actually spend on the computer/internet
• Te see how my time is used on it. How much time is spent reading through emails, how much time is spent watching you tube videos, how much time is spent wandering aimlessly, how much time is spend reaching some sort of objective, etc.
• I think it would be very surprising to learn how much of my life I actually spend on this sort of things, and how much of it is actually wasted.
• Identify and remove all triggers:
• I've mentioned a few times how different things can be triggers for bad habits. Some of them are as obvious as a porn related promotional email, and as un-obvious as the headphones used to keep the sound to myself. The hardest part about this goal is critically thinking about my actions and how they make me feel, as well as critically about how I'm feeling and why whenever urges or temptation or even simply just whims strike.
• Have productive activities to to: One of the things that people trying to quit an addiction find the most valuable is having some productive or fun activities to do. A big part of this is because it serves as a distraction from the things that otherwise is usually at the for front of their minds. Another plus if the activity is productive is that I would get a good feeling out of it. If I were to keep it up, the reward circuit for whatever caused that good feeling just might become stronger than the porn one. As an even bigger plus, exercise gives a pretty high level of dopamine so it's an excellent way to feed the reward circuit and it has so many other benefits (better sleep, better memory, lowers stress, reduces anxiety, better heath overall, etc).
• Have a schedule and stick to it: Aside from... basically everything listed above, having a schedule is really good for becoming more productive and effective people in general. Part of he hardest part about doing any of the above is making oneself just do it. It's really easy to say, "I'm just going to spend 15 more minutes doing this, then I'll move on to my jog," and then never getting around to that job. 
• When I was going to the gym everyday, I was able to do it because I made a schedule for the first part of my day and stuck to it. I told myself every morning before I went to the gym, "you have to do this. No excuses." And believe it or not, it worked. I stopped going when I stopped telling myself I had to. Every day in a row I told myself I had to, the easier it was the next day to do it again. And when I slipped up and said, "I don't really have to today," was when it became easier and easier everyday to keep saying the same thing.  
• Plan things down to the closest 10 minutes, and don't allow for wiggle room, or allow for excuses when it appears deadlines won't be met. Also, make ultimatums to meet when the schedule is broken. How are you going to make up for this slip. This ultimatum tactic isn't meant to be a fall back, but a punishment. (*For my husband: Think about this when the end of the work day comes. You know you are supposed to leave work at a certain time. You always plan to be places 15 minutes before you need to be there. View home (or wherever you plan to go straight after work) as just another appointment that you have to be early for. I think this is where a major part of your problem comes into play. You don't make your home/family time as much of a priority to get to as everything else, it's flexible to you.)
• Include blocks of time for prepping and travel. If I say I want to be at the gym at 3:00, then I need to plan 20 minutes of prepping (getting dressed, packing gym back, making sure I have water and headphones etc) and 10 minutes for travel (driving, parking, and checking in). If I know I'm likely to run into people who want to chit chat when I get their or before I leave, allot time for it. 

Writing prompts

For a little while now I've been yearning for my husband to communicate more with me. I'm not trying to push him though, because I don't want to make him talk about something he's not ready to talk about. I do feel like a big part of him not talking to me about how he's been in relation to quitting porn is that he really doesn't know what to talk about, how to talk about it, or hasn't really put a lot of thought to it-just taking things day by day.

My need to know what's happening is winning out, and I decided to help the communication thing along by making a jar or list or something full of writing prompts. These prompts are going to be the things I want to ask him about but haven't. My hope is that by taking the time from time to time to write about the subjects he will be forced to actually think about them rather than just let things me. I also hope that this will be a means by which he can really start thinking critically about the life changes he's going to be or already has started to experience.

While I was trying to make a list on my phone, I also decided that folder may be in order. Even though a journal would get the job done, I think a folder may be more helpful because he would be able to categorize the subjects. I think I'll put dividers in for each of the major signs and symptoms. I would also like to include the opportunity for him to revisit each subject as a whole so that he can look back and compare and contrast.

The major signs and symptoms as broken down into tabs will likely look like:

• PIED
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sleep
• Productivity
• Intimacy

A Magic Cure-All

My husband made the comment that the reports he heard on the videos I had him watch of people who gave up porn seemed kind of far fetched. He said it seemed like they believed that porn was the root of all of their problems, and that kicking the addiction was some sort of magic cure all. It's true that the first time I saw some of these self-reports I thought to myself, "I think this is a bit of an exaggeration." But like I said in the post that inspired this post: I love psychology and I think and am able to empathize with their feelings and sort of even understand where those feelings come from.

I believe that he said this mostly as a way to give himself some wiggle room if he continued to have some of the problems listed even if/after he too kicked porn addiction. Or, if I'm being honest, I also think that he said this because he didn't yet want to fully admit to having a porn addiction.

Being empathetic:
Some of the claims the guys made did seem pretty far fetched, it's true. But I can see where they are coming from and some of why they would think these things. For a lot of the claims, I'm sure they are true: people overall reported being more productive and being happier. Just using my own husband as an example, he would spend an average of 4 hours at a time looking through porn sites. This would happen for several days in a row. If, in a particular week, he went on a three day binge, that would equal 12 hours of searching through, clicking, and watching porn. Now imagine all of the things a person can do in 12 hours. And as far as being happier goes, I think that if a person gets to the point in their life that they can freely acknowledge that they have an addiction to porn, I don't think they would be very happy at that point. Go from being depressed and beating themselves up over having a shameful addiction to being able to say they no longer had that monkey on their back? Well, I'm sure anybodies quality of life and over all level of happiness would go out tremendously. But, I can see how a pessimistic in nature sort of person such as my husband would have a hard time viewing things from that angle.

Wiggle Room:
I eluded to the fact that my husband has some of the signs and symptoms common to porn addiction. I also mentioned that I think he wanted to give himself some wiggle room. This comes from a few things.

First off, as mentioned above, my husband is a pessimist. Rather than hoping for the best, he really does set him self up to expect the worst. This is something I've known for a long time, and I hate it. I think that he's avoiding seeing some of the signs and symptoms as being attributed to porn addiction because he's too pessimistic to believe that these things that have been a problem for so long will simply clear themselves up when he finally kicks this addiction.

Secondly, we're all scared of failure. I think the want for the wiggle room of these signs and symptoms not being directly correlated to porn addiction has to do with the fact that if they persist after he's given up porn for a significant period of time it would seem to him like a sign of failure. Like, even though he hasn't viewed any porn, he's still failed at kicking the addiction.

On the other hand, and thirdly, it's also very hard to admit when we have a problem. I said it before and I'll say it again. I'm don't really think my husband has fully admitted to himself that he has a porn addiction. I think the need for wiggle room also comes from a worry that if he does go a significant period of time without porn, and these signs and symptoms do end up clearing, he needs to be able to say that they (the S&S) weren't related to porn addiction, so their absence is not a sign that he over came porn addiction because it wasn't a problem to begin with.

Signs and Symptoms:

Some of the S&S that are correlated with PA include (taken from YBOP):

• Copulatory impotence - impotence during sex with a partner.
• Erectile dysfunction - with or without a partner. 
• Morphing taste in porn
• Social anxiety
• fatigue, irritability
• lack of motivation, depression, anxiety
• inability to concentrate, brain fog

I left out the ones that don't seem to apply to my husband, but it's pretty telling that I only left out two.  I'm now going to go into a little more detail about each of them. I'm also going to add in one of the two that I took out, because it used to apply to him. 

Copulatory impotence / Erectile dysfunction 

I combined these two because they seem to be basically the same thing. I think they were only separated because one was specific to relations with a real person (copulatory impotence) and the other could also occur even with porn. There have been on and off periods with my husband that he either couldn't get his penis hard, or couldn't keep it hard. I talked about this a lot already, so I'm not going to get into the details, but I just want to note, this one applies.

Morphing taste in porn

This is another one of those things that apply and that I've talked about a lot already. 

Social anxietyThis is something that I don't think I've talked about, but totally applies. Luckily, it doesn't apply nearly as much now as it had in the past. He used to really hate talking to people he didn't know, or being put in situations where he was left alone with people he didn't know. I remember he used to complain about me not taking him to parties, but when I would he would get really mad and think I was up to no good because I would leave him a lone where ever "the guys" were hanging out. 

He says that he's gotten a lot better at being a social person, and he says I have a lot to do with that. I don't know if I can take all of the credit, or it his growing social skills also has to do with the fact that it's been ten years since we've been together and it's just one of those things he's gotten better with as he matures. 

I do also want to vent just a little. He used to get mad when we would be at his family's house and I would basically be stuck to his side. I didn't like when he left me alone with them because it was an awkward silence. Looking back now, I feel like he was being a little hypocritical. It wasn't OK for me to leave him alone with a group of guys chatting and hanging out, but it was OK for him to leave me alone with his quiet family who often left me alone in rooms? Pssh. 

Fatigue, irritability

This is something that has been an ever present problem in our lives. My husband, for as long as I can remember, has always had a problem with getting enough sleep. It's been one of those things that he's always complained about but has never seemed to be able to get a handle on it. Even with prescription drugs. That's the fatigue part. The irritability either comes and goes, or is something that I don't really notice that much. Back to the lack of ability to get a good night's sleep though. I don't remember this being a problem when we were really young, but I do recall it starting right around high school. I also recall, as you might from past post, that porn has been a part of his life since he was very young. Before high school even. And that during high school, it was such a big part of his life that he would go on masturbation binges. This may just be me looking for the magic cure all, but I think I'm beginning to see what the root cause to this particular problem is. 

Lack of motivation, depression, anxiety
I can't honestly say that my husband isn't a motivated man. When he decides to do something, he gets it done and puts 100% of himself into it. This may be another problem I've been wanting him to deal with for some time though. 

The other things though... Depression. Anxiety. These are 100% a real thing with him. Maybe not so much lately, but have for sure been omnipresent in the past. In fact, his depression was one of the biggest factors in bringing us together. Back then we were in high school though, and there were many other factors involved. But I can't help but to think that if he didn't have a porn addiction problem from such a young age, the feelings of depression wouldn't have been so bad. 

I remember the first time it really hit me that my husband had an anxiety problem. We were living together and I drug him to Wal-Mart. The crowd was so crazy that he started to have an anxiety attack. He warned me about it, but I honestly never knew anyone with that problem, so I didn't really take him seriously until it happened. Even at the time though, I wasn't really sure I totally believed it was real. It seemed a little too... I don't know. He didn't want to go, and he told me that was his reason why, then all of a sudden he had an anxiety attack? He'd never had one before to my knowledge, and any of the ones he may have had since have been no where near as severe as that one. None the less, it has been ever present. Doctor's have given him prescription after prescription and nothing has worked.

Inability to concentrate, brain fog

When we most recently talked about this, he said it's something new. However, I remember him complaining about this since around the time we first moved in together. It's always been a major complaint of his too. Right up there with not being able to sleep well and anxiety. He's tried a few things here and there, but nothing has every really worked, and he hasn't really stuck to anything either. Even though he always complains that he can't remember anything, I don't really think that's true. The type of work that he does and how he approaches it requires him to call upon a data bank of information in his own head on a regular basis. I think the thing that bothers him the most is that he has a hard time recalling things that aren't based in fact, but are based in feelings and emotions... and that's just some of the time. He sure as hell remembers what I said when we last fought when it comes up again. Those are the things I forget. 

Frequent masturbation

The actual thing the S&S said was, "frequent masturbation, little satisfaction ("feeling like a lust-ball all day")" I don't really know what a lust ball feels like, and I don't really know if he's ever felt like one because I'm not him, but I wanted to include this because I know for a fact that when he was in high school, he used to go on masturbation binges and that masturbation was a part of every day life for him. I want to say that I don't think there was a week that went by since he was able to and felt at ease doing so that he didn't masturbate at least three times a week all the way up until some point after us moving in together. I don't really know if this applies to the S&S here since it also has the caveat of "little satisfaction". I suppose this has to apply to the morphing in taste though. You masturbate to the same things, and it just doesn't cut it. But you continue to do so because you've got an itch that needs scratching, and you haven't yet figured out that you need something a little harder to get you off. 

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Man. My post are all so very long. One day I'm going to turn these into videos or recordings. I think that the tone in which a person says something also adds a lot of meaning to the words they speak. 

But seriously. Making this post has me thinking a lot. The first part was be contemplating how other people feel after they've kicked their porn addiction. The second part of this post went into detail about what I think about my husbands reaction to their feelings. And the last part went into detail about the signs and symptoms that my husbands shows that are common to porn addiction. 

I recapped all of that not only for my benefit, but also to bring you‒the reader‒back to the point at hand. Which is what the signs and symptoms are that my husband currently shares with many other porn addicts and how he stands to gain from kicking the addiction. Even if he won't admit the possibility or their correlation. 

Gains

The biggest ways I think he stands to gain from kicking porn addiction are: No longer having to worry about sexual dysfunctions, getting more sleep, having better short term memory/less brain fog, and overall decrease in depression and anxiety. Those are the things listed in the last part of the post, but to address things listed in the first parts, I think he also stands to become more productive, and have more motivation to be so. 

Why we had a mock separation.

Image from Google search

I don't remember if I've ever posted about the "separation" that my husband and I did. It lasted about two months and the reasons why we did it were many. The biggest reason is because I was constantly going back and forth about if I wanted to get a divorce or not. Porn wasn't the biggest issue at the time. At the time an overall lack of sex and intimacy was. I just saw porn as my biggest competition in the battle for intimacy with my own husband. My husband would have rather watched porn and masturbated than have sex with me. To make matters worse, at one point he told me he didn't want to have sex me because he wasn't sexually attracted to me. I felt like I could never compete with the women he watched in porn. And I felt that by him watching it, he only fed the attraction to attributes I didn't have nor would ever posses. Him continuing to do that would never give him a chance to even try to become attracted to me (again, maybe?).

Either way, I was tired of asking him to stop, and yet still finding it on his computer or phone. Even though I wanted it all to stop, I felt like there really wasn't anything more I could do to make it. At that point I really had a "coming to Jesus" moment with myself and decided that I needed to figure out if I was strong enough to stay in spite of the porn, or strong enough to leave because he chose it over me. 

I was scared though. I had tried to leave several times before and it never took. I may or may not have made a post about that too. I don't really remember. It doesn't really matter though. The reasons why I could never bring myself to leave we no longer an obstacle. I started to work on a plan to move out. I didn't want me moving out to be the end of us though. I honestly just wasn't quite ready for that our relationship to be completely over yet. What I did want to get out of moving out was for me to be able to work on my issues, and for him to be able to work on his. 

Some of my issues were that I was entirely too dependent on his presence. The goal for me personally was to become more self sufficient. I noticed that I'd also grown to become majorly dependent on him in order to get anything done. Clean the kitchen? He had to be there or at least him be the one to finish the job I started. Getting school work done? I needed to be able to converse with him about what I was working on before I felt comfortable submitting it. Cleaning the room? I only did it when he needed something out of it.

At the same time, I also really wanted him to work on himself in a lot of ways. While I hoped porn would be one of the things he knocked out, I didn't plan to hold my breath. I was tired of hearing him talk about all of the same problems over and over again. He can never get a good night's sleep, he has a huge list of things he wants to get done but never seems to make the time to do them, he wants to start getting more physically fit but won't drag his ass to the street for a jog. I'm not the one in control of him, but whenever he complains about wanting to meet a goal, I always feel like I should do something to help. In reality, he's the only one who can make himself do things. Speaking of which, I was also tired of him blaming me for him being so messy. 

When we finally did do a separation it ended up being more of a mock one. I ended up moving down stairs to the "den" and he stayed upstairs. We were supposed to treat it like we were room mates. Like I was renting a room from a stranger and that he was renting a room out to a stranger. Things never really went as planned though. We still spent communal time together without all of the "hey roomie," or, "you wanna come over," stuff we (I) originally planned on-though it did happen sometimes. 

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One of the biggest things I learned through our mock separation was that I kept my room pretty damn clean and organized. I realized this when he "spent the weekend at my place," the Monday following I would notice that I left clothes on my floor and trash on my desk along with a few other messy habits. I was so disappointed in myself. 

I also saw that in the almost two months time, he made little head way in the organizing his life department even though he made a lot of big plans. To his credit though, the biggest thing he did to improve this was to buy a shelf right before he went out of town for work. It was that same trip out of town that I had sent the email demanding he pack his things and get out. So, he never really had the chance to put his shelf together and start the clean up process with a place to put things. Against his credit though is that I got that shelf up and that room pretty damn spotless while he was gone in just one night. AND I also got rid of a shit ton of crap he had been meaning to go through and get rid of shit from. 

Anyways. The biggest point was to work on our codependency issues and for us to work on becoming autonomous individuals. We were supposed to work toward being self sufficient on our own and to be able to do things and make decisions without seeking the other out for permission. I personally feel like I made a lot of head way. This may have been because I was preparing myself mentally for such a long time for being on my own that I sort of aspired for it. It might also be because I knew in the back of my mind that there was a very real possibility that we weren't going to get better and we were going to end up having to go our own ways. I can't say so sure though. I can only say what makes the most logical sense at the moment.

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We are currently no longer in separation mode. While he was gone the week that I put the shelf together I went on a crazy shopping spree. I bought a new bed in the Queen Sized proportions, and since then we've pretty much spent every night together. We've also spent pretty much every day together too, and I don't entirely know how I feel about that. I'm not sure if this is happening because of the, "this is your last chance. It's porn or me" thing, or if it's because he thinks we are done with the "working on being self sufficient individuals" thing since we are sleeping together again. It really could be a good amount of both. It's also possible that the Thanksgiving Holiday that just passed has contributed.

I don't really know, all I know is that I still really aspire to work on the things I had started to work on during our separation period. If things don't start to shape back up to being conducive to working on myself (and hopefully himself too), than I just might have to lay down the law and say I'm moving back downstairs for a period.

I don't think this will be a complete surprise either. I've brought up the fact that we've been regressing at least four times since he's been back. Almost 3 weeks now. I don't really know what else to do or say that will really drive my point home though. It seems like every time I start to talk about the subject it gets pushed aside. 

Week 3: what's happened since the last update.

My husband and I made a point to have sex on Sunday, so we could be sure to get one in before he left on Monday. He had a cold sore so there wasn't any room for kissing and what not though, and it made foreplay very difficult. I was also having vaginal issues due to either having just ovulated or getting ready to-I'm not sure which as this rarely happens. Instead of having a really nice build up of foreplay, simply passion filled kisses, or opting to skip it until he got back, we went with the "lathering me down with lube" option. I had tried to go down on him because that always works to get me going, but when I put his erect penis in my mouth is went soft-pretty quickly.  

There's a lot about the above paragraph I could analyze, but instead I'm going to get into a few other points. On Saturday (I think it was Saturday night) he told me that he wanted to be sure to give me some sexing on Sunday. I wasn't trying to complain, but I did ask him why that was. He said it was partly because if he didn't I would have to go more than a week without, and partly because he's trying to keep our average sex/week ratio up higher (than what was the norm before the talk). 

That first part I could completely understand and-in my head-be OK with. But that second part... It's harder for me to be OK with. I think it's harder because it feels like he's making it a chore. "This is something I have to do." It's kind of like how he used to give me maintenance sex about once a week because I practically, and sometimes actually had to beg for it. The only difference is that he's making the decision to do it before I ask for it, and making the decision to do it more often-probably because he thinks it's about the frequency I would be asking for it. 

A note on that very last line: "he thinks it's about the frequency I would be asking for it." This is only true-the frequency of asking being what it is-because I would always ask for it regularly in hopes that the next time I asked would be the time that was successful. If I didn't have to worry that I'd be shot down 10 times before getting some, I wouldn't ask every single day just to maybe get some on the weekend. If I knew the likelihood of having sex when I asked for it was at least a ratio of half the time or so, I would honestly only ask once or twice a week. Or even only when I actually wanted it. This is something that pisses me off about him: he assumes I want to have sex way more often than I really do because I have a history of asking for it so often. He doesn't own up to the fact that I have had to ask for it so often because he would almost always shoot me down. 

Anyways... Another thing I want to make note about is that after we got done-it was sort of a strange ending-I asked if he's able to simply make himself come. The strange ending was that I came, but sort of more milder one than normal and he couldn't tell. I had to tell him. Then just a moment after I told him he magically started coming. This is so fucking confusing to me in so many ways. My first thought was that he made himself come. 

First off, this last point in combination with the fact that it already started to seem like he was giving me preemptive maintenance sex makes me feel like he only ejaculated because he felt he had to in order to prove some kind of point or to achieve some kind of goal and not because of the pleasure of it all. Secondly, it really makes me second guess all of the other times he's ejaculated without obviously being driven to it by pleasure. Being driven to come or not having control over the urge is something we sort of discussed. He tried to explain that he really doesn't like feeling like he can't control when he comes. I guess I sort of get it, but really I don't. That seems like it would be the best way to come-when it's so good you can't help it. Not liking not being able to control the urge makes me think of something my psychologist said. He said that addiction generally/usually stems from the need for feeling in control. 

I don't know. This is so new to me and it took me by surprise. I just don't know what to think or how to feel when I think about his response to be asking if can just make himself come. And worst of all, when he could clearly see that I was bothered by this he was so earnest in trying to set my mind at ease and make me understand-or at least not feel any sort of bad emotion. The expression on his face and the pleading in voice for me to... understand? not be hurt, upset, or angry? He was so sincere; so genuine. I just wish I could really understand the emotions I was, and still am, feeling. I wish I could really understand these emotions so that I could share them with him. Maybe if he understood what bothered or concerned me so much he would be better equip to achieve his goal. Setting my mind at ease, or putting my worries to rest, or whatever it was that was his goal. 

I think I felt mostly like this time was maintenance sex. Sex that we only had because he felt the need to fulfill a want that I had even though he didn't really feel like it. This wouldn't be a problem if we didn't have the history that we have. But because of that history, maintenance sex feels more like an act of "fine. I'll do it even though I don't want it. I'm doing it because it's better than the alternative-you being mad or resentful" than an act of "I'm doing this because you want it and because I love you enough to do it even though I don't want it." 

I guess getting that last bit out really helps to clarify things for myself a little more. I need to know why he chose to have sex that night. What was the motivation for him? Was it because he was trying to prevent regression in me? Regression back to feeling like a starving child-never knowing when their next meal would come, or how long they'll have to go hungry for afterwards? Was it because he was punishing himself? Did he feel like, "I've caused these problems and now I have to fix them. This is one of the things I have to do in order to fix it"? Did he have sex with me out of fear that if he didn't he could have some sort of relapse with his "reboot"? Or could it have been because he thought it would make me happy? 

That last one would almost be acceptable. It's so much closer to "I'm doing this because you want it and because I love you enough to do it even though I don't want it." Again, if we didn't have the history we have it would be completely acceptable... but because of the history... it's hard for me.

What I want is for him to have sex with me because he desires to do so for the sake of doing so, expressing love, or wanting to share a connection so intimate; not because he wants to do so for any of the reasons listed above. And I can't say that I would honestly believe him if he told me he had sex with me out of pure desire. For one, it was planned. It was a goal he's laid out the day before. "I want to be sure to have sex before I go because..." time. And for another, I feel like if I were to ask him out right, "did you have sex with me because you wanted to, or because you felt you needed to or that you should for some reason?" his response would only be "because he wanted to" because he thinks, nay-knows, that's what I want to hear. 

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I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it a few times already, both in this post and in previous ones, but he's out of town again this week. Him being out of town kind of makes me feel like there's a halt in progress. It's hard to feel like he could possibly be making any kind of productive leeway in his "reboot" when he's out there; working. But then again, time is one of the biggest keys to success here, and is really the only real measurement of progress for this process. Also, distractions away from old triggers is big help in easing the process. So, in a way, the more time he spends on travel, the better things are. Right? 

My mind flashed back to all of the times he used to be on travel with his last job, and the fact that that never stopped him then. I was going to say what's to stop him now, but actually there's a few things. For one thing, he doesn't have a smart phone which was a major source for material. He doesn't have the tablet either. With those two things out of the picture, the only resource for internet browsing he has is his work laptop. I don't really see him risking it. 

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What else is new this past week? Well, the week started with "Black Friday" and we spent it continuing our Harry Potter marathon. He actually had to work on Friday, so that took up a big chunk of time. Saturday started off very early since it was another sleepless night. We began the morning with movie number five in the series, and finished it all off. After that he went to tutor someone, and I finally got started on productive things. I ended up not being that productive since he got home much earlier than I had anticipated. We spent the rest of the night cooking and eating and then going to bed early. 

Sunday was a lazy day. We cleaned a little and we also cooked ramen. We were going to go for Thai food but everywhere was closed. Since we didn't get a move on until sometime around 1, and driving around from closed place to closed place until finally hitting up the grocery store took quite a while we didn't actually get home until about 3. By then we started cooking and cleaning, then ate. It took a lot longer than normal this time around because we tried a few new things out. Then we went upstairs, he shaved and showered, and then we did it. That was it... The rest of week three he was out of town. 

First real fight

I'm not sure if we've actually fought until now since the start of things. I'm not even sure if this really counts as a fight since we didn't go back and fourth. But today we had a fight on the phone.

I started off with me noticing that he didn't message me at all yesterday after he got off work. I was I was sort of disappointed because I like to be able to actually talk to him at lease once a day. If he doesn't text me, then I have no idea when would be a good time to call. I made a point not to be the one to text him. Then the morning rolled around and he still hadn't texted. Not even to say good morning. Even when he's in town he would usually text me good morning at some point, and I take that as a way of him letting me know he's thinking about me. Eventually, I text him asking if he'd broken this phone too. He responded and I really just left it alone. I was tired anyways and went back to sleep.

I eventually called him today because it was late enough that he should have been off of work. It turned out that he was off of work and was in the car on the way to get some dinner with his coworker driving them. He answered the phone with, "Hey shortened-version-of-my-name. What's up?" I was already a little irritated by the fact that he hadn't bothered to tell me he was a live or anything. Then he called me by my name and seemed as though he thought I must have called because something was up and I needed to talk to him rather than a warm "hello, some-term-of-endearment".

Like I said, I was already irritated, so I didn't put a whole lot into starting a conversation. Also, the tone he was giving me was along the lines of "hurry up and say what you need to say so we can end this call and I can get back to what I was doing." You know the tone. I forget what I asked him, but it was basically did he not want to talk, if so then say goodbye now. He said bye and "love you", and I just couldn't help myself when I made the mm hmm sound and just hung up.

After I hung up he test me saying that he had to entertain one of their customers over dinner and that he would call me when he was done. He eventually called and even though things started off reasonable amicable-I told him a little about my day- they eventually went down hill when I'd asked him what his day was like yesterday. I know what I was doing. I only asked in order to collect evidence to build my argument. After he told me what his day entailed I hit him with it: "Then why couldn't you at very least text me at some point after you got off?".

He started off with the same old shit I've been hearing for years. "When I'm on travel for work I'm working. That's my first priority." Things along those lines. I'm so tired of hearing it. It's the sort of thing that put us into marriage counseling a few years ago. At that time, he was gone much more often and for much longer periods of time. The first year we were married he was gone exactly half of the year (about 25 weeks throughout). When he was out of the country for weeks at a time I would get especially distraught. It hurt so much that he refused to make the time for me.

I would ask him to let me know when to expect him back at his room since it was much cheaper for me to call him. He told me that he couldn't do that because he could never be sure when that would happen. Then I asked him to be more persistent about setting a limit to how much overtime he would work each day so that he could. Again, he refused. Eventually I tried to bargain with him, asking him to dedicate at least one hour a week to time for his wife. I asked him to set aside just one hour for me, and he could do what ever else he wanted with his time. That was a huge argument. He simply didn't want to commit himself to setting aside that one hour.

This was like a slap in the face to me. It told me that I wasn't important enough for him to make a priority in his life. While in counseling I relayed this story as well as other related scenarios. The counselor basically told him the same things that I had been saying for years. He understood the point after hearing it from another person, and I was sort of mad that it took hearing the same exact thing from someone else for him to finally get it. Also, I felt a sense of validation, and he felt like he was being ganged up on.

Anyways... I feel like this is the beginning of the same thing all over again. The biggest reason is that he started with that same argument about being on travel for work and therefore working being his first priority. Before he even finished trying to get that tired old argument out I told him to stop and that I didn't want to hear it. I wasn't asking him to text me throughout the day while he's supposed to be working. I was asking him to text me when he wasn't working to let me know what was happening.

Times he could call me or text are if he's taking lunch, when he gets off for the day, if he's back at his hotel room, before or after going to dinner, or before he goes to sleep. I'm not saying that I want him to text me at every single one of these points. Just one would make me happy, and just one is all it takes for him to take a little time out for me. Even if he didn't use any of those points in the day to actually call me, I feel like the least he could do is text me a few times if he isn't going to actually make time to talk to me. It's important for me to know that he's thinking about me from time to time, and me asking him to do these things is a big concession on my part. I used to call him at several points through out the day. That's a whole other blog post, but my point was that he didn't like it, so I said that I would try not to even though it was hard but that I needed him to make an effort in return.

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I was going to start off this next part by saying that I know this post has nothing to do with porn addiction and that's what this blog is all about, but in truth is about me. It's about me being a spouse to someone who is addicted to porn, and the experiences and thought I'm having through the process of him getting over his addiction. Right now I don't really feel like this post is entirely applicable to those things and will likely also add it to my secret letters to him, but I'm going to leave it hear anyways. I may come to find that this was actually entirely related. I don't know how now, but we'll see. I may even revisit this.

The hardest test you will ever face.

I made a reply to a woman going through a reboot with he husband. She talked about their trials so far and the failures she's endured/discovered. Then she went on to mention that her husband is currently in a period which "he's lost his libido and wants us to take our time", though he does masturbate from time to time without material. She does acknowledge that she isn't quite sure if she's willing to believe that it's another relapse.

There were only a few comments since the site isn't all that active. (Which makes me almost regret reminding my husband that it exist. I don't want him to know all of the things I say because I don't want him to feel gossiped about or judged. That's probably going to be another post). One of the comments was from a woman in a very similar situation, though I feel like her advice is completely insane‒again, probably another post. Another woman who replied was pretty much all about support and encouragement‒kudos to her. The last reply before I got around to it was from a man's perspective and really just about acknowledging her pain. Sometimes that's important‒having feelings acknowledged.

I decided to reply because the story seemed familiar to me. There was stuff included that I didn't experience, but the over all point was there‒her husband was becoming withdrawn and she didn't really know what to think about it. I noticed that none of the people who replied before I did ever mentioned his withdrawal as being a normal part of kicking a porn addiction and frankly I was a little appalled. This forum was supposed to be a place for people to seek answers, reassurances and support. While two of the three replies provided support, none of them sought to provide answers (expect to the lunatic) or any type of reassurance.

In my reply, I made a point to let her know that how he's behaving‒emotionally withdrawn‒is a very common rock in the reboot road. It's a shitty rock, but a common rock nonetheless. In stead of going into a lot of detail, I'm first going to copy and paste the reply I made.

I want to mention something that I didn't see as I scanned through the replies. This isn't to say it wasn't mentioned, but that I didn't see it since I only scanned.

I don't know a whole lot about the process of rebooting from a man's perspective. I only know what I read, and since I'm new to all of this, it's really not as much as I'd like. BUT there is such a thing as flat-lining, and it's entirely possible that your husband isn't up to his old ways, or even finding new ways to get the same old kick. It's possible that this is a very normal and fairly common thing that has happened to many men throughout their journey. You can surely read many post about it.

Flat lining is essentially a period of time during a reboot in which the rebooter experiences an extreme drop in libido. These things can happen for days or weeks, and can happen more than once during a reboot.

Personally, I think this is the hardest thing for a partner to endure as you can never fully know what's going on with your spouse, and there is always room for doubt to creep in. And that doubt may end up being the thing that causes a relapse. I don't honestly know if I've experienced a flat line with my own spouse, as this is the first time we've acknowledged porn addiction, and are aware of all of the rocks along the road to kicking it. I do know that he's tried to stop watching porn for me on several occasions before hand, and the feeling of guilt when I look back at the moments of extreme loss of sexual activity. I remember it being so hard on me, and because I didn't know what he was going through I badgered him so much about it. I feel guilt because I honestly think that he was going through a flat line and instead of being there for him and accepting that he really did not feel like having sex, I made him feel bad which caused him to try to figure out what would get him going again (aka start using porn to make sure his penis was still working and that he could still get turned on).

I'm not saying this to scare you, or to make you feel bad for worrying. I'm only saying this because I think it's important that you know that this is a possibility. If this is what he's experiencing that's frankly it's a good thing. It means that he really is sticking to his reboot. It also means that he needs your love and support more than ever. He needs you to understand that he's trying and it's not easy for him. He's kicking an addiction. Talk with him. Be open, and honest. Be his safe haven. The more you understand about what he's going through, the more you will learn to trust him. The more he knows you understand and trust him, the more he feels supported.

It's very clear that you love your husband, so I have no doubt that you want nothing more than his success, his health, and his happiness. I sincerely hope that this was nothing more than an episode of flat-lining for him and that he was able to pull through with out relapse. Over and over again, what I see as advice from the men going through this experience is a real emphasis on getting educated. Learning about the process of rebooting and the obstacles there will be is probably you guy's best weapon. After all, you never want to take a test without studying first right? Kicking a porn addiction will probably be one of the hardest test you will ever experience.

It was the last thing that I wrote that inspired the title to this post, and I really feel it captures the point I was trying to make beautifully. Sure I may have channeled a little of K Kortez in referencing test, but when it's spot on, it's spot on.

I know that Gabe made some pretty good videos about some of the rockier points of rebooting, but I think that I might just have to make a post about them from a spouse's point of view.

Out of town again.

So this is the first time my husband has been out of town since the last time-which is when he got a pretty surprising email from me demanding he pack up and get out. Him being out of town really isn't the big point of this post though; it's what I've done since he's left. I checked his computer. I haven't done this since the last time he was out of town, and not doing so was primarily because I've simply had much more important things to do, and not a whole lot of time to do them. It's not because I haven't wanted to check. Believe me, I have.

Some of the things I've been doing these last couple of weeks are  mostly the same old story, but there has also been a few additions. One addition from the very start was a big fund raiser dinner I was in charge of decorations for-then, of coarse, I also had to attend. Then there was the Thanksgiving Holiday weekend. And the Harry Potter Marathon during said Holiday weekend. It was so all encompassing that we even forgot/ran out of time to go cut down our Christmas tree. Aside from those not-so-everyday occasions there's also the fact that hubby and I have been spending a lot more time together.

I'm not entirely sure why we are spending so much more time together than before that fateful trip out of town. It could be that he's been trying to make things up to me, or it could be that he's trying to make a point to change in general. It could also be because we are sleeping in the same room again, so we are falling back into our old ways.

I'm not entirely sure. However, I do think there is a lot of regressing going on. We, or at very least I, have tried and worked so hard at becoming less dependent on the reassurance of each other's company during our separation period. We weren't doing fabulous by any means, but we were making some major strides. I feel like the progress has completely gone out the window now. Oh well for now I guess. You can't change the past, so the time has already squandered. At least I have been super productive while he's been away (for the 24 hours he's been gone so far). I was really productive the last time he was out of town too.

This is actually quite uncommon for me. He used to go out of town so much, it averaged out to about half the year. While he was gone I pretty much spent my days doing the same shit I did when he was "home". Home is in quotes because in those days just because he was in town and sleeping in our house didn't mean he spent a reasonably about of time at home. His average work week was 60 hours. There's only 168 in a week, and approximately 56 of them was spent asleep, and another 12-15 was spent getting ready for work/commuting. That really only left 40 hours a week. While that might sound like a lot, he was also a student, trying to work on the cars, and addicted to porn.

Anyways, on to going on his computer. I know it was probably kind of shocking so see that I've wanted to up there. Let me clarify though. I've been wanted to double check some of the dates I have stuck in my head for "the last time" stuff. I feel like I remember, but don't feel very confident about it. I wanted to go back and confirm the day. However... When I looked today, it was all gone. Completely. There was absolutely no way for me to confirm the dates I have in my head. This kind of sucks for me since I'm a stickler for details. I was super surprised at first, but then after I got over that mild shock, I was very pleased and very proud of him.

I was pleased because it's something he did without me asking it of him. I've been having a hard time battling it out with my instincts to do, say, or ask him to do certain things in regards to kicking porn addiction and what I feel about even having those instincts. On the one hand, I can't help but want to plan out a 12 step program for him, and be watching over his shoulder to be sure he's following all 12 steps (so to speak). And on the other hand, it's those same types of actions I've been working very hard at lately to squash.

One of the things I've been getting from therapy is that I'm a very controlling person. I'm not sure if that's the exact right words to use... or if I just don't like those words, but the point is the same. And while this isn't something that's news to me , the minute details of how I can be controlling are. Take helping" people for example: I might usually say, "I really want to help you meet your goals," but it's usually followed up with, "I expect these things from you if I do." The things I tend to expect from people are simply that they will do their part in ensuring my help doesn't go to waste. This may be that if they ask for advice on how best to study for a class and I give them times, I would expect they actually use those tips. And that's not how people actually operate. Using that same example, that person may have been asking for advice because they were trying to explore options that might work best for them. Just because I feel like my advice is the definite solution, doesn't mean it's something they feel they are capable of or willing to do. My not-so-current view on helping people isn't really what helping is about. In reality me helping in that sense is just me trying to tell people what to do and have incentive for them to do it. 

So yeah. I didn't want to tell my husband to be sure to delete all of the porn off of his computer, even though that's exactly what I wanted him to do. I didn't want to tell him that because it would have only been for one of two reasons: 1) because I want him to do what I want him to do; or 2) because by me telling him to delete the porn is really me thinking I'm being helpful by providing him with instruction for kicking porn addiction.

For the second point: while it's perfectly reasonably to say, "well yeah, that should be something he should do if he wants to quit porn," everybody's got their own path or process. I'm not my husband and-even though I want to think I know him well enough-I simply don't really know what he needs to do to be successful in this. I think that he's the only one who knows... or is the only one able to figure it out. Everything else-me, friends, psychologist, the internet-are simply tools for him to use while trying to do so. Even a psychologist who specialized in porn addiction would only be able to guide him to resources, tools, or techniques. The ability of those things to work is entirely dependent on: 1, if he chooses to use then, 2, if and how he perceives them to be useful, and 3, if he has the will to keep it up.

All that aside, I was also very proud of him because it's something he did all on his own. I didn't have to cry, beg, plead... I didn't even have to say a single word. He just did it. I wish I knew when if only because-again-I'm a stickler for details and want to catalog every single memory and step on the way to recovery.

The thought that keeps coming to mind when I think about the fact that he did this is when I begged him to delete everything and he straight up told me he didn't want to and didn't feel like he should have to. The only reason he eventually did was because I basically told him it was deleting the porn or my sanity. In a way I hate him for even having to consider one over the other at the time. I felt like it should have been a no-brainer, and I resent the pain I felt over it all. These actions in no way make up for that pain, but it is a major paving stone in the path to healing for me. Him deleting everything without being told or asked to do so really tells me that he's making a choice here.

It was almost wet... Dreams.

I remember my husband mentioning that he almost had a wet dream recently. I also remember him talking about it on more than one occasion though I can't honestly say that I remembered the second time very clearly. For some reason I feel like he talked about it while there were other people around, but I really don't think that was the case. I feel like he talked about it with other people around because I vaguely remember there being another person's reaction to it. It's more likely that either I had a dream about him talking about it with people around, he brought it up during the visit to the psychologist that he went with me to, or that when he was telling me about it the second time around he did so in a manner that was as though he was having a conversation with himself. I don't think that last one was the case though, because I really do remember someone having a somewhat confused reaction that caused him to explain himself further.

Anyways. The point is that he told me that he "almost" had a wet dream recently. I really wish that I didn't go so long between writing down blog post ideas. I should have written this down for my own records if anything. I remember when we first talked about him quitting porn, I had mentioned that I thought it was a good idea for him to keep a journal of the things he experiences along the way. Personally, I wanted him to keep an old fashioned paper and pen(cil) journal because it is something he can take with him wherever he goes and write whenever he finds/makes the time. But I also encouraged him to check out some of the forum sites where people often keep records of their day to day or week to week experiences.

I'm not exactly sure the reason why I decided to make this post. It's late and I've been jumping back and forth between a lot of things. I will probably not even publish this post at the time of writing it. Oh well...

I think the big reason why I've started this post is because I decided to look at a few of the journals of people in our age group. One journal in particular had a post from a guy who started off apologizing for not posting for so long. He cited all of his other FAPing activities as reasons why. (F=fun, A=active, P=productive). Some of the activities include a lot of going to the gym, loosing himself in art, and going out and doing things like concerts.

Being more physically fit and working on music are two of the things my hubby wanted to do more of, but really hasn't. I sort of feel like I'm to blame for this, and there will definitely be another post about that. Another thing that the guy went on to mention in his recap of the time between this and his last post was that he went a period of time in which he was having pretty regular wet dream. That's it! This journal is the reason I decided to make a post. It reminded me about my hubby's story.

On to the important part shall we?
One of the things I recall being a pretty big/common rock in the road to porn addiction recovery was having wet dreams. They are nothing bad, or anything to be ashamed of. It's probably not even accurate to call it a rock. Perhaps a pebble would be a more apt term. Yeah, a pebble. It's in the road, and isn't going to stop your progress, but is something you'll notice as you make the journey.

So why did I decide to make this post? Well... to simply document it really. I want to make note that it's something that happened during week two of his reboot. It's very likely that it's actually been three weeks since he last PMO'd (a new term I just learned. It stands for Porn/Masturbation/Orgasm and basically means when a person ejaculates due to masturbating while watching porn). I suspect three weeks because I have no way of really knowing when he last PMO'd, but I do know when he last saved a porn file to his computer. And let's face it, if he was up for hours looking at porn, then he more than likely masturbated while doing so. It's also likely that it was just at the one week mark if my suspicions about him talking about it to my shrink is correct. I'm going to have to talk to him about it.

So why almost? Well, that's what he told me. He said that he was having a dream that had nothing to do with porn or sex, I think it had to do with computers, and he started to feel... "funny". He said that in his dream he was conscious enough to recognize that something didn't feel right and woke up. He said he recognized the feeling, and then went to pee to rid himself of it.

Now, to further pin point when this could have happened, I know it was after we got the bed, and on a night that I slept in my room and he slept in ours. So... We got the bed on Wednesday of week 1 (Nov 19th), and I slept in my room... I think I didn't sleep in my room until a while after. I think this because I know we slept together the first night we got it, and also the following night. I wasn't going to at first since we both slept so poorly, but he said that he didn't have work the next day so it would be OK. I think the first time since getting the bed that I slept in my own room was Sunday night because he did have to work the next day.

If it is that the almost wet dream occurred on a night that I slept in my own room is correct, and I'm correct in thinking that it didn't happen for the first time until Sunday night, then the possibility of him telling my shrink about it is zero because I hadn't seen him since the day after we got the bed. Man. This not remembering shit sucks. I used to be so good at recalling all of the small details like this so easily and clearly. I can't believe this is happening to me.

So... In the beginning of this post I concluded that one of three things had to have happened when my husband told me about his almost wet dream the second time. I said that I don't think the last thing I listed could have happened because I remembered someone having a reaction to him telling the story. But I also know that it couldn't have been that he told my shrink about it since the days and actions don't match up. So either he did talk about it with other people present‒unlikely‒, I dreamed it all up‒pretty likely‒, or the thing I ruled out right away was indeed the case, and I was the person who had a funny reaction‒also pretty likely.

I guess it doesn't really matter who was around when he told me or if anyone was though. What really matters is that he told me about it.

Now, what does him telling me about it really mean is the next question? I remember him telling me that he hated wet dreams because it meant waking up to a sticky mess, and then either having to change the sheets or sleep in it. I'm not really sure why I mentioned that except for the fact almost seems kind of... unreal. I don't want to think that he made it up though. What would be the point in that? That we had a conversation about them before hand, and he know's it's one of the S/S of a reboot? That he might have made up the story to lead me to believe he's going along with the reboot without failure so far and that having a wet dream is a sign so that I can believe him. That he actually masturbated that night that I wasn't upstairs for, and he knew he was low on the semen but wanted to have a plausible explanation in case it made me suspicious?

These are the issues of trust that a partner to someone who is rebooting has to face. It's not pleasant. In fact, I kind of feel like shit for letting those thoughts cross my mind. Do I believe he would make this all up and lie to me? No. I don't want to anyways. Do I believe he's capable of doing it? Unfortunately, yes.

So what am I left to do? Well, encourage him to keep a journal for one thing. And hope he would be willing to share it with me. Take the power cord to his computer when I'm not home or awake? While it may be a good solution for the time being, how does this encourage the building of trust? I don't really think it does. I don't really know. It's one of those things that I keep meaning to talk with him about, but don't really know how. I need some forms of reassurance. I can't deny that. But at the same time, I don't need him thinking that I simply just don't trust him. That's not the case. I'm just so worried that the addiction will pull through, and he just won't be able to say, "I'm shouldn't do this" and not.

Reading material

I talked to hubby about... well I asked him if he's been looking into some websites for groups, forums, or anything else that may help him in the way of support for this long road we're going to be on. He's mentioned that he hasn't really made a point to, and‒I can't lie‒I was a little disappointed. However, he did mention that he did take the time to read through some of the websites that I had loaded in his browser the first time he turned on his computer since "the big convo". He said that even though he found them interesting, he didn't really find them useful. He said that most of the things he saw was about people who were currently going through the struggle, and that it kind of all seemed like the same old story over and over again.

This made me thing of a few things, and I thought of them all pretty much concurrently, so even though I might list one thing before another, it doesn't necessarily mean that it was the first thing that popped into my head. These are the things I thought about, and most of which we'd talked about in the same conversation.

One of the things I thought of, and told him, was that right now he's not finding things hard. It hadn't even been two weeks (at the time) and so it all probably kind of seems ridiculous to him. This next part I didn't say even though I was thinking it at the time: I don't think he really believes he has a porn addiction. I think that he was willing to accept porn addiction as a possibility because it seemed like the best reason as to why he continued to watch porn even after I'd repeatedly asked/begged him to stop. I think that our marriage does honestly mean enough to him to try giving it up, and that was the real reason he considered porn addiction as a possibility. It meant that it would give him one more chance to try to make things work with us.

Anyways, I went on to say that over time, when things start to get hard‒if they ever do‒these are probably going to be the things that will help him. By these things, I mean these forums and what not of people struggling and their current stories. I told him the following thoughts: I think that the post about current struggles are prevalent because when people are going through he hardest times, it's helpful for them to know that they are not the only ones going through a hard time. Also, that when someone is going through a challenge like this, they are going to have a lot of new experiences and are not really going to know what those experience mean, if they're normal, or what to expect afterwards.

This brought me to compare and contrast different kinds of addictions and the processes through which people go in order to kick them. This is something I had been contemplating a lot, and meaning to write a post about. I still might. Anyways, the major point of comparing different kinds of addiction was mainly to point out the different levels of understanding of those addictions, the different levels of support for people battling with them, and the different levels of social acceptance for the substance being addicted to. There's AA for alcoholics and rehab for druggies, but the only thing people with porn addiction have are these forums and other websites.

We also talked about the fact that he wasn't seeing a lot of, "it's been two years, here's how things are going for me" kind of stories. I told him first off that it's probably do in part to the fact that he didn't do a whole lot of looking. All of the things I'd seen in my first day of surfing the web included many examples of people who had already kicked porn and were singing praise to the changes in their lives.

I remember very clearly when I had him watch those first 5 videos, one of the first things he said was that he thinks some of the people were being a little... Well, I don't really know the best way to explain it, but that it seemed like they were basically blaming all of the bad attributes in their life of their porn addiction and that they acted like it was a magic cure all. I'm not saying that it didn't seem that way to me too, but then again, I also really love psychology and am able to empathize with their feelings and sort of even understand where those feelings come from. Probably another post.

Either way, that's not the point. The point is that I've seen plenty of examples of "my successes/life after kicking porn" stories and I know that he has too because he watched those same 5 videos, Anyways, I didn't mention that, but I did mention that there are some forums sites out there like RebootNation.org that have a forums section specifically dedicated to success stories. He took that into consideration and made it sound like it was something he would look into. I don't think he'll be looking into it anytime soon though. He's got a lot of things on his list of stuff he wants to do, and I want to encourage him to keep busy with those productive things. 

Something I didn't think about until now but wanted to mention is that Porn Addiction is a relatively new thing. Well, not the actually addiction to porn per se, but the movement to make it a known thing, and something people talk about and share (pseudo)openly. 

Another subject that I broached thanks to the part of our conversation about other forms of addiction was something that I saw mention of in one of Gabe's videos. He mentioned that me moved his computer from his room to a public space. I say I broached this subject because even though I brought it up, I don't really feel like it was really discussed. If I'm being honest with myself I might acknowledge that my feelings may stem from the fact that he didn't agree to move his computer (yet). I say yet because this is something that is important to me and that I think will not only help him avoid temptation, but also help me to gain trust. I mean, don't get me wrong we did talk about it, and he did show more consideration to the idea, but no action was made yet. We didn't have our new bed either though, so it wasn't the best time... I don't know I feel like I'm going back and forth again. I'm making excuses for his lack of action, yet I don't like his lack of action. I understand there were reasons at the time that he didn't jump to and move his computer, but at the same time he didn't out right say he was going to either. This is one of those things you are probably going to see another post on.

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I don't really remember the other things we talked about or thoughts that floated trough my head during that conversation, so I'm going to end here. I will say that I've been known to reread my post, and if anything pops up, I will likely make a new post with that information and a link to this post, as well as edit this one to link back to it.


The overall point to this post was that I talked to him about if he had found any new reading material, and he hasn't. He had read some of the things I had open in his browser, but that was the end of that. I want him to find more reading material, because I think it will be helpful for this journey. Also because everything guys reply with in the forums I use encourages him to look more into educating himself on the subject, and I think they are right. What this post has turned into is a recap of how the conversation went and some of the thoughts I was having during the conversation. 

When the cat's away...

In my last post I talked a bit about my concern for my husbands possible relapse while I'm away in class for two days a week. I only have two weeks left in the quarter to worry about this though so that's a plus. The bad thing is, and I could list many, is that I'm worried at all. I don't think it's at all unfounded so don't mistake me. It's just that I hate that this is the case. I want to trust my husband and in many ways I do trust him. However, when someone has an addition... There's just always those nagging thoughts of, "what if", and "right now would be so easy" or "right now would normally be a time..."

I really want to set up some sort of way to monitor his actions online. While I feel guilty about wanting to do this, I also feel like I need the piece of mind. We don't have trust right now, and we need to build it. "Spying" is honestly how I feel I could best build that trust again.

That makes me think of cheaters, and how they always tell their spouses "trust goes both ways", "how can I trust you if you are always spying on me?". Maybe I'm being jaded right now, but I'm not the one who lost the trust, so I don't think I should have to be the one to work to gain or keep it.

Spying still feels wrong...

But I still have a need to feel confirmation that he's not.

And his word just isn't good enough.

Two Weeks In

I think two weeks ago from today is going the be the day that I count as Day 1. I cannot say with out a doubt what day prior to it my husband last looked at porn, but I can say that this is the day that we talked about the problem openly and he agreed to give going without porn a shot. Part of me is reluctant to say "this is Day 1" for the simple fact that on Thursday of last week he went online to all of the accounts (he could think of) that he had on porn sites and began to delete his accounts. I wasn't home, so I honestly have no way of knowing if he said, "well, one last go for old times sake" or not. The feeling of the day, when I finally got home and we talked was such that I could believe him at the time, but after everything... it's kind of hard. So... two Day 1's? I don't know.

So far though, sex has been... well, it started off strong. We've had sex a total of four times, three of those times was in a 7 day span. All in all, it's double our normal rate so it is a pretty big deal to me. It didn't feel forced either. I know I can't measure things by how often we have sex though. Overall intimacy has been much improved. When we are just interacting on a regular basis there's a lot more loving kissing and what not. I've noticed he;s more inclined to put his hands to my body even when sex isn't in the picture. It feels strange because it's so uncommon, so I can't help but to notice when these things happen. However, I'm reluctant to say anything or ask why he's doing these things because I... I'm not really sure what words to use to put down these thoughts, but I'm going to try my best here. I don't want to point out that I notice he's doing this only to make him feel awkward or want to stop.

On another important note: he broke his cell phone, and has been reduced to using his old Nokia Express Music phone. Knowing him, he's not going to dish out the money to buy a new smart phone for a while Though he did spend $75 on a repair kit. His overall use of the internet use has also decreased drastically. I don't know how much of that has to do with spending more time away from home or more time with me though.

Before all of this started, we put a lot of effort into spending as much time apart as possible, so that we could break some of our codependency issues, and be overall more productive. The first week we've spent more time together, but have also been relatively less productive. We have been sleeping in the same bed more often than not though, and it's kind of nice. We got a new bed, so it's going to take some getting used to-the bed and sleeping together that is.

A point of concern on my part was that before the second week (this current week) started, I started to think about how the week would pan out. I had completely forgotten about it being Thanksgiving week, and therefore forgot about not going to class on Thursday as well as him having off of work a few days this week. Normally, I would go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and not get home until pretty late in the evening. This time at school has traditionally allowed him some alone time at home, and has also been a prime time for him to "relax" with his friend, the internet- fairly often including porn. At first I was worried about Tuesday, then I remembered that he had to meet with the local troop at 5 and that he normally takes a nap. Though this hasn't always stopped him in the past, it has been a deterrent. After that day passed I began worrying about Thursday since there was nothing pressing to keep his attention other wise. I was honestly thinking about seeing up a camera in his room to record. It's pretty fucked up that I would think that, but I don't really feel guilty for it. Either way, it didn't matter because he ended up having Wednesday and Thursday off. Bullet dodged.

Though the way the week worked itself out turned out to be in my favor and I seemed to be worried for nothing, it doesn't change that I have the same worries for next week. I know I'm going to have the same concerns until the end of this school term because I already do. As to what I'm going to do about them... well, I guess we will just have to see.

We'll see how things go from here, but it's good to check in and see what changes are being made, and what changes are still needing to be made.

A letter to her Father (Catholic)

I recently came across this letter, and while it is one that is from a devout Catholic to her priest, I cannot discount the words she wrote or the feelings they evoked in me. Not only was she so eloquently well written, but every word captures very clearly the emotions she must have been feeling. Even though I'm not a believer in God, nor devout in any religion, I can honestly say I truly feel her pain through her words and can deeply associate with them.

Honestly, this will probably be a blog entry that I have to come back to. I just can't read it with out feel such deep sorrow and empathy. The last thing from the letter though was about how there was no support group for women in her position, and I want to tell her she is wrong. If anything, there aren't really (m)any supporrt groups for women in my position-oh ye of little faith.

Looking Back: Part 3 - The Connects I feel I Could/Should Have Made

This post is going to go a little more into detail about the signs and the begging, and how I felt I probably could have made the connections to porn addiction before the week this blog started. I'm going to reference some of the points I made under each video from the post: Learning About Porn Addiction. When I watched each of these videos, there were instances in which I had "aha"  moments. After the fact, all of these "aha moments" really seem like some obvious signs, and I feel like I either could have or should have made these connections much sooner than eight years down the line.

First things first. Shortly after we first moved in together the rate in which we would have sex dropped. Drastically. I know I'm repeating myself here, but it's just so significant. We were young, not even twenty-one, and our relationship was like that of an old married couple-with grand kids! We would have sex maybe once a week. At first we joked that it was because we were such old souls or something, but eventually it started to bother me. When I would bring it up, he came to the conclusion that we just had different sex drives and that mine was much higher than his.

Not just sex. After a little over a year of living together I began to notice (and complain) that he didn't kiss me the same way anymore. This is reference in Looking Back: Part 1.1. He wouldn't kiss me with any kind of passion, and he said it was because he felt gross after working with raw chicken all day. That was when he had his college job at a fast food chicken chain. After that his excuse was that he didn't want to kiss me because I smelled and tasted like cigarettes. But even after I eventually quit it was still the same. No passion.

Making excuses: From the beginning there was always an excuse: we're old souls, we have different sex drives... Eventually it started to become: I'm too tired, I'm too stressed. Finally it became, I'm just don't feel like it.

Finding excuses: When I finally said, "I don't believe you just don't have a sex drive if you are watching porn and masturbating." He told me, "I just don't find you sexually attractive." No considering I've always been over weight and it was never a problem when we first started having sex, I simply didn't really buy this. Don't get me wrong, this cut me to the quick and greatly effected my mental state, but I still didn't really believe this was why he didn't want to have sex versus looking at porn. After learning about PIED, I see that this is often the excuse men come up with to explain to themselves why they are unable to preform with a real person.

Not hard enough: There are numerous occasions in which he would give in and go to have sex with me, but simply couldn't get his dick hard. Sometimes he could get it hard, but couldn't keep it hard. I think this should have been a blazing sign that there was something wrong, and it was... sort of. He thought it was stress and went to the doctor's. He gave him anxiety pill after anxiety pill. Nothing worked.

Novelty: I noticed a while ago that if I offered anal sex, he would have no problem getting his dick hard, even if we had just tried several times for vanilla sex. When I first noticed, I didn't care because I was always down to try something new, and anal sex did the job for me too just fine. Eventually it did begin to bother be that I had to resort to that just to have sex with my husband. I had also noticed that if I tried wearing something "sexy", there wasn't a problem getting him going. I just couldn't repeat the sexy clothing too often because the novelty wore off. This is a point repeated over and over again in videos listed in the post: Learning About Porn Addiction. Eventually I began introducing bondage into the bedroom because it different enough to keep his attention. I liked it too, so it was OK. I think I mostly liked it because I was on a constant search for something new to try because he eventually started using, "it's kind of boring as an excuse."

Change in taste: more recently I began to notice a pretty drastic change in taste with what he searched out and watched. It wasn't just the vanilla stuff any more, or even the strange bloopers he seemed to find so interesting. He began looking at a lot more anal sex videos and eventually bondage. I thought the last part might have been him looking more into what he thought I was into. I didn't say as much, but I did inquire, and the thought never even crossed his mind. Eventually I started seeing chicks with dicks, and that shit just completely disgusted me, and drove me into a deep depression.

It's a need: I had asked, begged, pleaded, you name it for him to stop watching porn. Several times he agreed, but then he went right back again. He just get better and better at hiding it each time. I really feel like, if nothing else was a screaming sign, this should have been. I really don't believe he did these things to hurt me, and I really don't think he simply disregarded my feelings. But yet he continued. I feel like I should have seen that he felt this was a need, even if he couldn't admit it, and asked him about it.

Other things:

• He started watching porn at a very young age. He even told me stories of when he would go on masturbating binges just because he could. For example; he told me he experimented to see how many times he could ejaculate in one day. 
• Refractory period: this wasn't something that was right off the bat, and I didn't really notice it until pretty recently. But, even in the event "he seemed in the mood" or he would come quickly and feel bad and want to go again, he couldn't. He couldn't get his dick hard after ejaculating for hours. 
• Numb. Sometimes I would try to get him in the mood, and going down on him was usually a sure fire way to get him going. Sometimes though, when I would try nothing happened. This also happened while having sex some times. Even if his dick got hard, it didn't do anything for him. He would tell me he couldn't really feel anything. 
• Overall intimacy. I sort of touched on this when I talked about him not kissing me with passion, but it extends to much more than just that. I'd only started noticing this recently and I think it was one of the biggest driving forces for me. He simply wasn't intimate with me at all. He wouldn't just hold me for the sake of holding me, or touch me for the sake of touching me. The times he would, was only when we were laying down at night, and I honestly think that was more subconscious and out of habit than anything. 
• Willpower erosion: this is from that Gary Wilson TedX video, and touches upon that I said about it being a need. I don't think he had the "this is a bad idea" switch anymore. 
• No will to do other things. He often would complain about not being productive, yet he would waste hour upon hour on the internet. He would also not sleep that well, so he would get up and use the computer. Turns out, he would often go to porn in those times.